[ closed ]

[earthshine]

Who: shiro + keith
When: perm log for these idiots
Where: all over
Summary: say, say o playmate from the august tdm. the butcher's camp from the september tdm. quarter pounder from the september event. keith's birthday. hermy the wormy from the december tdm. in the hive from the december event.new year, new you from the january tdm. end of january, references january event.
Warnings:
say, o say o playmate: hallucination, blood, ritualistic sacrifice, claustrophobia.
the butcher's camp: animal death, animal mutilation, both human and animal butchery, implied cannibalism, stripping ( nsfw ).
quarter pounder: blood, animal attack, consumption of human flesh, violence, gore, body horror, potential for severe injury, including puncture wounds and broken bones, potential for choking, potential for animal death.
keith's birthday: boys being stupid.
hermy the wormy: worms, decay, altered mental states/compulsion, emotional corruption, potential for violence, body mutilation, attempted murder.
in the hive: insects/swarms, bites, vomiting, body horror, death ( npcs ), mental and physical trauma
new year, new you: self-doubt, body dysmorphia trauma, cringe talk about sex safety, hook-up culture, body modification ( steroid and synthol oil use ), mention of drug use
end of january: implied animal death, self-doubt, body image issues, body dysmorphia, self-harm, body mutilation, skin burning, drug use mention ( tren steroid ), implied extreme dieting ( starvation & dehydration ), nsfw ( heavy petting and nudity ). reference to shiro's scars.

Comments

in the hive.

[earthshine]

[ it’s strange being on a mission without keith at his back. they’ve split up plenty, both in skirmishes against the galra and during adi investigations, but the sentiment is the same: it feels wrong to go at it alone. a lot of it has to do with their last mission to dogtown. he trusts keith to handle himself in most instances but since one of those cursed boars managed to catch keith with a tusk, shiro’s been hopeless in his concern. shiro tries not to hover to the point of suffocation – and he’ll just wince at that choice of wording.

he doesn’t want to be that guy; shiro had that guy in his life for a good while, who wanted to bubble wrap him in comfort and safety. no matter the intention or the argument that it stemmed from a – supposed – good place, that kind of care was difficult to stomach. shiro doesn’t want to drive keith even further away than he already has by smothering him – again, poor wording – with parameters and too frequent check-ins, so this volunteer mission to some abandoned warehouses? shiro bit his lip and didn’t say a word the first time he caught sight of a familiar mullet.

so he’s here too? figures. keith has been dead set on taking this ren person down since she landed on adi’s radar.

similarly to how shiro’s been handling the past two weeks, shiro tries to give keith buffer room. not similarly to the past couple of weeks though, is that shiro doesn’t disappear as he has with extra shifts and long hours at the canteen until he can’t risk curfew. here, he shadows keith as much as he can while also extracting victims and… bodies. he wants to make sure he’s okay. he needs to make sure he’s okay. fuck, he shouldn’t even be here, not when both his hands are busted. is that why keith resorts to stomping a victim’s face in? the creepy crawlies and flutter of winged things coming out of the dead body’s mouth have to be stopped somehow, right?

yards away and beyond a number of rowed shipment boxes, shiro hears it clearly enough; amazingly, unfortunately, the sickeningly crush of teeth and tissue beneath keith’s boot carries all the way to him. it’s gross. it’s wrong. it’s – over.

oh.

keith turns away and he’s hurrying out of the warehouse. shiro follows, of course he does. the wide berth is forgotten and he doesn’t think much of hiding as he exits the building, turning his head one way and then the other to spot – ]

Keith.

[ whispered and barely there. said boy is bent over and retching, shiro’s own stomach churning at the sound of it. they’ve held a handful of conversations in the past two weeks, all of which stilted and half entertained before being sidelined. that same awkwardness they’ve fostered between them shows here, in how shiro hesitates to even approach keith. but keith’s body gives another heave and concern for keith’s wellbeing overtakes shiro’s concern that keith might actually hate him a little. he’s walking over before he can think to stop and then he’s beside keith, wanting so badly to touch him, rub his back and hold the hair away from his face but…

would keith even let him? ]

You’re okay. Everything’s fine. Just get it out and then we’ll sit down for a bit. [ tentatively, he places his palm on keith’s upper back, repeating in low, soothing notes: ] You’re okay.

[marmoron]

[ everything is fine. everything is fine. keith’s been repeating that to himself an awful lot in recent weeks, has he slept well? no. should he be resting? yes. but the physical deterioration of his health and his state of mind just don’t matter in the face of the one thing that’s kept him going since shiro strangled him in the apartment: do whatever it takes to get to whoeever or whatever created that fucking worm game.

as far as obsessions go, it turns out that keith is good at having those when he’s restless and (frankly) barely keeping himself from having a breakdown. as far as existantial threats go, it’s easy enough to know how to fight when the enemy is purely external. whether that be an asshole cadet who speaks out of turn about keith’s parents or an alien warlord with entire armadas of weapons capable of vaporizing entire planets -- keith gets to assume there’s a certain degree of stability there in that he never has to question his own intentions or the intentions of those who are ostensibly his friends and allies.

this thing with ren was different. he doesn’t even begin to understand how a cyber attack on adi’s intranet turned into a biological one with gungal growths, or how a fucking mold is able to hijack one’s personality but even if he understood the mechanisms, it wouldn’t really address the fracturing of keith’s reality. shiro would never hurt him, shiro is the one person in keith’s life that he can trust unconditionally. now there are asterisks and fine print on the foundation of trust they have built up together. keith had always, perhaps stupidly, assumed that cracks would only ever appear intentionally -- which is to say, that it’d be entirely, wholly deserved.

funny. what happened wasn’t either of their faults and somehow keith has even less of a clue of how to handle it, except to brush off every single attempt to discuss it like it’s the fucking plague and indtad hyperfocus on taking down the real threat. the real problem.

so now that they’re finally here in this warehouse dealing with the problem, why are things still not okay? there’d been an almost manic energy about him when trying to kill every single insect in the warehouse, but somehow all of that’s gone, burnt out with a single frantic stamp on a face hemorrhaging bot flies and weevils. it’d only taken a second of staring at the shattered jaw, slick and shiny with the entrails of crushed insects before violent nausea had his stomach churning.

when was the last time he threw up anyway? it feels horrible, burning his throat as he heaves. but of course, he doesn’t even get to do this in private. he freezes when he hears shiro’s voice, then ducks his head in some childish maneuver. if all those nights of being left entirely alone have anything to say, wouldn’t it just be that shiro doesn’t want to deal with him anymore? he almost laughs then, when the next words out of his best friend’s mouth are you’re okay. everything's fine.

right.

everything's fine. just like he's been telling himself. except... ]

I'm not. [ tone completely deflated, keith leans harder on the front of the warehouse, left hand trembling from the added weight on his arm. ] I don't -- [ deep breath, deep breath. ] Wasn't supposed to be like this.

[earthshine]

[ that’s a good sign: keith doesn’t shrug off shiro’s hand or duck away. that inaction likely has to do more with him being too preoccupied trying to breathe through the upheaval of his stomach, rather than him being wholly comfortable with shiro’s touch, but shiro is desperate enough for a win that he’ll take what he can get. that small sense of victory dims just as quickly as it comes however, at those fragmented explanations. yeah, keith isn’t okay, is he? stupid. the insult is reserved solely for shiro himself. he meant for it to be consoling, to give keith some semblance of stability during the sickness of his body, but… considering everything keith has been through, it’s almost patronizing of him to throw that at him, when it’s as far away from the truth as it can be.

shiro physically winces as the reprimand of his own thoughts land, but he doesn’t let himself wallow in it, instead regrouping quickly to try again. ]

I know. [ his own voice trembles now, grief and guilt weighing him down to the point that he can practically feel it dragging down his shoulders and hanging his head lower. ] Nothing has gone right since…

[ … when? he falters on the words. since shiro nearly murdered him and destroyed his hand? since the goring of his midsection a few months ago? since they found themselves in this cursed reality? or perhaps before all that, back in their own universe. when was the last time keith hasn’t been royally screwed over by the universe? when was the last time he was truly carefree and happy and unhurt?

shiro chews on his bottom lip, indecisive and completely lost on how to answer his own line of questioning. the pause is extending too long though and catching it before it turns into awkward silence, shiro exhales heavily and finishes with a quiet: ]

For awhile now. [ he looks from keith’s hunched form to the tremble of that poorly bandaged hand and swallows hard. okay. time to redirect. ] But c’mon. [ still tentative and careful, he slips his hand from keith’s back to his shoulder, before dipping lower to touch his triceps for an encouraging nudge. ]

Let’s sit for a few, okay? It’ll help. [ there’s no good place for it, really. no benches, no curb; there are some crates a few paces away from the building though. either way, shiro only wants to get keith away from the warehouse and the mess pooled by it. ]

[marmoron]

[ nothing has gone right since... shiro trails off after that and the ensuing silence is damning. what timescale is shiro even thinking in terms of right now? weeks? months? years? it’s suffocating in the moments where keith even allows himself to contemplate his life beyond the last two weeks. shiro doesn’t know he’s been picking fights that’ve only escalated since that tine he made pam cry in the clinic. why did shiro follow him out here anyway?

was he there when keith put his foot through a dead man’s face? did he see? was he disgusted? horrified? would he be sickened if he knew that keith had gone after tim and snapped a finger or two?

fuck. keith keeps his eyes on the ground, staring at the vomit splattered around the front of the warehouse. the thought of things with far too many legs and wings crawling out of the victim’s mouth alone makes him want to retch again. shoulders heave, but nothing else comes up and keith feels dizzy. exhausted. the lean against the building intensifies until he can’t put anymore weight onto his injured hand.

teeth grit, he tries to roll up his sleeve to wipe his mouth on his arm, keeping his eyes averted all the while. ]

I don't wanna sit. [ though perhaps he should. he takes a step, and he wobbles for a second. [ ...If she's not dead, then nothing I did matters, Shiro. [ he turns, sneaking just the tiniest glimpse of his best friend's face, tone almost pleading. ] It was all just one mess up after another.

[earthshine]

[ shiro doesn’t know what he’s talking about. one mess up after the other? what – this warehouse search and rescue? it started off promising, with organized groups, each following one plan and one leader, but shiro agrees: it became a mess once the warehouse was breached. even shiro broke away from his unit in favor of keeping tabs on keith in there. and what else? if she’s not dead, nothing keith’s done matters? technically, they aren’t even supposed to engage with ren. the problem here, shiro thinks, lies in adi’s methods of random assignment. a team can’t be thrown together on the fly and be expected to work after a short van ride. everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and unless everyone on the team knows how to utilize or deal with those aspects, then of course team dynamics will break down and it’s going to be a clusterfuck from start to finish.

shiro’s hedging his own responsibility here. he’s just upset with himself, knowing that he should’ve been on keith’s team, at his side, providing support, rather than climbing into a different van from the get-go.

seeing keith now, barely maintaining strength and leaning heavily into the wall, further and further away from the comfort shiro wants to give him… – shiro is severely tempted to scoop this boy up and manually haul him away from this place if keith doesn’t cooperate. he can’t though. he shouldn’t. they’ve barely interacted since the last time shiro manhandled keith to disastrous results. he doesn’t want keith linking now to then but… shiro can only handle watching his best friend – if they’re still that – suffer for so long before he’ll chance the consequences of a flinch or fearful shuttering.

for now, he’ll try another round of coaxing. ]

We have capable people in there. [ wasn’t he just putting down the team dynamics? doesn’t matter. shiro has his priority. he’s done his part in there and so has keith; neither of them are going back in there, not when keith is barely keeping himself together. ]

They’ll get everyone out and handle the girl… you’ve done enough.

[ it’s natural at this point, the way his voice takes on his patented leader tone. it’s firm in the way that it promises shiro won’t be backing down and won’t allow any insubordination. they’re done here is the message, one that is pushed further by shiro daring to slip his arm around keith instead, hand clasping at his lats close under his armpit, providing keith support as he tries easing him away from the wall. ]

[marmoron]

[ the arm looping around his back shouldn’t make keith flinch, but it does in a way that defies logic. see, keith knows that shiro doesn’t mean him harm, but the tense up is entirely involuntary. taking a deep breath as if to reassure himself that he still can helps marginally in relaxing again, but it intensifies a surge in self loathing. why doesn’t he have the control necessary to act in precisely the way he wants to? caught between disappointment and anger, keith allows himself to be pulled away from the front of the warehouse, but resistance comes a beat later when it becomes apparent shiro might physically haul him away from the objective.

not that adi would approve of said objective, but keith can only assume they won’t actualy give a shit if a problem conveniently disappears. he struggles, weakly to duck out from under shiro’s arm to turn and look back at the entrance to the warehouse. thick plumes of white fumigation smoke billow from the entrance, and briefly keith’s stomach lurches thinking of fire. he turns his face away quickly, turning back to shiro. ]

I have to end it. I need to make sure. I need to know that it’s finally fucking over so I don’t have to do this anymore...

[ the words are a rambling mess, urgent but growing quieter and quieter. ]

So I don’t have to be...

[ ... scared. keith grits his teeth, keeping that last word trapped. he won’t -- can’t, refuses -- to give anyone, let alone a pathetic avatar, that kind of power over him. he’s not scared. he isn’t scared of anything. because everything is fine.

everything. is. fine.

reaching up to rip off his fumigation mask, keith takes another deep breath and leans heavier against shiro for support. ]

Why are you even talking to me? I thought you were avoiding me now.

[earthshine]

[ do what anymore? infiltrate the warehouse? follow adi’s bidding? the more important question here is: so keith doesn’t have to be what? fuck. fuck. get there faster. shirogane. put the pieces together, read between the lines, and figure out what it is keith is trying to tell him. he’s usually so much better at this; it only agitates him further. it gives more weight to the fact that he and keith have fallen out of sync with one another and shiro honestly has no means to process this without chipping apart inside. once the dream team and now they’re… what? two people barely keeping it together? neither bothering to check in and start off side by side on a dangerous mission?

god, what has happened to them?

he tries to steady his emotions with the encouraging thought that at least keith isn’t trying to duck away anymore. he’s leaning on him, accepting him, wanting to be together and support each other just like before –

or not.

emotions already frayed on frustration stemming from a lost feeling of helplessness, shiro doesn’t keep a tight grasp on himself. his hackles rise in a tick and his patience snaps, similarly to his clipped tone. ]

That’s a cheap shot. [ though, not untrue. no, he argues with himself. it is untrue, because – ] I’ve been giving you space and you know why.

[ there’s a difference. avoiding carries the connotation that shiro is being the coward. that he wants to do that or at the very least, has actively chosen, without influence, to do it. in shiro’s defense, he’s felt forced into making himself scarce. nothing has felt right between them since the fateful evening in the apartment. shiro’s been beating himself up about it over and over and over for weeks now but any time he braves bringing it up, so they can somehow move past shiro’s guilt and keith’s uneasiness, well: ]

You’re the one who shuts down every conversation I try to have with you.

[ it’s likely a bad move on shiro’s part that he doesn’t quite keep the accusation out of his voice. ]

[marmoron]

[ keith bristles. how could he not when shiro snaps that way? fueled entirely by the last fumes of a fight or flight response, keith looks up sharply -- glaring through the sting of accusation ringing in his ears. ]

I didn’t want you to! I didn’t ask you to either.

[ the response is immediate, fired back like a quick series of jabs. defensive, like he always is by going on the offensive. there’s a dull pounding in his head, behind his ears, as the truly wild instinct to shove shiro away flares up before the thought swallows keith whole with shame.

he’s lashed out at too many people over the last two weeks. he can’t -- he just fucking can’t add another name to that list. especially not shiro.

and yet he holds the glare for an extended beat absolutely uselessly. you’re the one who shut down every conversation. no. just no -- his head gets stuck on denial because: ]

I missed you! [ the words burst out of keith almost comedic in its intensity, but in the next beat keith hangs his head, teeth grit as he stares at the ground feeling utterly defeated. ]

You weren’t there in all the places you were supposed to be. I didn’t see you at breakfast. Or lunch -- or dinner. [ it's the most isolated and lonely he's felt in a while, but he refuses to spell that out for shiro. pathetic as he's feeling right now, he's still got some semblance of pride here. even so, hands ball into fists on instinct and keith cuts off mid-thought, pained as healing tendons burn. cursing under his breath, keith grimaces as he shakes his hands out. ]

I just -- Listen. I couldn’t deal with it, okay? I didn’t want to hear you apologizing like - like you had a choice or something. [ keith trails off, throat clogged and tight with bottled up words. ] All I wantedd was to fix things, you know? Make sure that the fucking monster couldn't pull something like this again so we could go back to normal. I didn't want this.

[earthshine]

[ the longevity of shiro’s anger is usually a short one. he’s flawed, just as everyone is. as quickly as frustration has him lashing out though, empathy is so often right behind to temper his mood and have him mitigating the disagreement. here isn’t much different. the only difference being that he’s quite a few steps beyond empathetic. instead, remorse ushers in and a little bit of hate too. for himself, not for keith, no never for keith. it’s just – listening to keith say he missed him, followed up by keith caving in on himself as the fight drains and defeat sets in…

shiro swallows, again feeling lost and wondering if he really did butcher this. amazing, really. he didn’t think it was possible for him to make things worse between them after nearly killing keith but apparently, he’d found a way to leave keith feeling abandoned as well. nice one, shirogane.

it hurts to look at him but now isn’t the time to wallow in his guilt. there’s an infested warehouse behind them and a dark, semi-open loading area laid out before them. they can’t fall apart here. they shouldn’t even be dredging up the mess of their relationship and chancing a slip in their defenses by turning a blind eye to what’s going on around them. it’s shiro’s fault though. he knows what he said, how he just shoved the blame on keith for not nipping this in the bud a week ago but honestly? shiro still hoards the blame close to himself. keith’s brittle and fragile, barely able to keep his head up, because shiro let himself get entangled in a stupid app, didn’t force the conversation with keith afterwards and now, has ambushed him with a sharp tongue.

fucking hell. again, he wonders how they got into this mess and better yet, wonders how he’s meant to get them out. ]

We can fix this. [ he thinks? he hopes? at least his voice carries a vehement confidence that comes across somewhat believable. ] And we can do it without you destroying yourself trying to kill that thing.

[ because yeah, he sees those ruined hands. for how angry shiro is at adi for even allowing keith to be placed on this mission, when he’s so obviously hampered in a crucial way, shiro can’t fault them too heavily when he did nothing to stop keith either. well – better late than never, right? ]

I want to get you out of here. [ he frowns, hurrying along in his words. ] I know I don’t deserve to want anything from you anymore – [ that sounds like the beginning of an apology keith just said he didn’t want. too bad. ] – but…please. Let me take you somewhere safe. We’ll figure things out from there.

[marmoron]

But Shiro, I have to make sure she doesn't escape alive.

[ his tone isn't even defiant anymore, but keith doesn't have the energy in him to try andmask his delivery. he's pleading at this point, desperate for some shred of understanding from shiro after the prolonged silence.

even so, keith an see that they’re retreading the same discussion. there are others here who can ensure the same thing. others who have their own reasons for wanting ren incapacitated or dead. ultimately, that isn’t the problem here, is it. it’s whether or not keith trusts others to do the job. suddenly, he’s reminded of the paladins back home and the standoffish nature that’d immediately gotten him pigeonholed into being the group’s lone wolf. if the last couple of days have taught keith anything beyond hating how tunnel visioned he can get, it's that he well and truly doesn't want to be alone on account of being too stubborn. eyes closed, keith buries his face into the side of shiro's shoulder. one deep breath, then another and then keith forces himself to speak, words mumbled into shiro's sleeve. ]

For closure.

[ but even though he's saying the words and has been repeating that to himself all week, the logic behind it doesn't seem to hold up nearly as well when he's forced to explain. who exactly is he looking for closure with? how does ren's death magically make this heavy air between him and shiro disappear? the mental maths doesn't add up, and feeling strangely cornered keith keeps his face buried as he reaches for shiro's hand in some silent plea not to be questioned. ]

it's one paragraph. just like i said it would be. -- okay no.

[earthshine]

[ how many times has he struck out now? too many. better question, how many more times is he going to allow keith to shoot him down and circle back to this nonsensical plan of taking on a monster while harboring two damaged hands and a distraught mindset? shiro stares down at keith hiding there in his shoulder and then cranes his neck further to toss a backward glance to the warehouse. his options are dwindling and growing impatient himself, shiro is settling on one in particular: pull rank and make the executive decision. ]

Sorry, Keith.

[ even as he says it, he tightens his fingers to give keith’s a squeeze. all it amounts to is one measly moment of comfort and then shiro takes his hand back, instead bending down to get that arm under keith’s knees. a pull, a hoist and – there, he literally sweeps keith off his feet to bring him up in a cradle. it’s very reminiscent of another mission gone wrong. for a tick there, shiro grimaces on the reminder, but if anything, it steels his resolve to bully keith along. he doesn’t actually want a repeat of dogtown those months ago, with keith hurt and quite possibly dying right before his eyes.

time to get out of here. ]

But we’re not doing this your way. [ he grunts on the first step forward, adjusting his grip and holding keith more tightly to him. again, he has that hard-edge to his voice, as well as a finality that he hopes keith finally decides to stop fighting. ] I’m taking you home.

sure, sure. im not judging you

[marmoron]

[ one minute keith is standing, the next he’s being plucked off his feet and being carried. like a child -- is his first bitter thought, but he can’t fathom a proper objection to any of this. shiro wants to take him home, and deep down keith wants that too.

but it’s not as simple as that, is it? keith doesn’t want to go home if home is that lifeless apartment full of negative space that shiro used to occupy. what he wants is to go back to a different time and space entirely, when things used to be simple and a bad day consisted of getting chewed out by iverson in front of his peers. he keeps cycling back to those days a lot, knowing that it’s self indulgent and chilidish.

in the end, maybe that’s why rather than throwing up resistance and trying to get back onto his feet, keith goes limp in his best friend’s arms, gently pressing the side of his head against shiro’s chest to quietly mouth two words. ]

I’m sorry.

[ he couldn’t even say what he’s apologizing for here. everything is what it feels like. for the downward spiral of his life in the last two weeks. the fact that he’s making shiro carry him yet again. for trying to do everyone alone again. keith closes his eyes and keeps them shut through the gentle brush of chin on his head and the returned i’m sorry, too. we’ll talk it all out when we’re back home.

it’s a a promise that manages to make keith feel uneasy all over again, even as it offers some glimmers of hope. he offers a noncommittal mm in return, and the conversation goes silent as shiro figures out how to get them home. it passes in something of a blur for keith. there are easy jokes to be made here about abandoning a mission early, but the queasiness from earlier drains whatever humor exists in the moment.

finally, after shiro’s arranged for them to be picked up several blocks away from the warehouse, it isn’t much longer before they arrive back at adi’s housing complex. again the ride back is entirely quiet. keith ought to be using that time to organize what the hell it is that he wants to say, but his head has gone blank on actual thought. instead, his mind is occupied with replaying the filth and grime of the thousands of bugs crawling around in the warehouse, on victims -- on him, and as soon as they enter the apartment, keith rips off his exterminator garb and tosses it into the garbage compactor. it isn’t enough to get the creeping sensation off of him though, and he looks over his shoulder, as it fo check that shiro is still present. ]

I feel gross.

[ murmured as keith then hastily turns on the tap at the sink and rinses out his mouth. he gurlges, spits, repeats and then proceeds to just dunk his whole head under the running tap water. ]

you can judge me for now shoehorning in shiro wearing exterminator stuff that i forgot about

[earthshine]

[ apparently, keith takes the whole we’ll talk at home brush off to heart. the lift to the apartment complex is quiet, aside from the soft rock station the adi driver turns on three-fourths of the way back, seemingly unable to take the silence as well as the boys in the backseat are determined to. it’s fine for the most part. shiro is in no hurry to air his dirty laundry in front of anyone, especially not someone in adi’s employ. he spends the car ride sneaking looks at keith and wondering how best to broach this subject once they get the apartment door closed behind them. he’s had weeks to put together an apology. he’s been complaining that he hasn’t had the opportunity to say this apology and yet…

sorry i tried to murder you. yeah, no, that isn’t going to work. dressing up the apology with less blatant words feels just as wrong however, like he’s trying to downplay the horrific nature of what he’d done by making it sound less jarring. of course, keith would – and will – argue, again, that shiro isn’t at fault, that his brain was hijacked and twisted beyond recognition but – still his hands, still his voice, still his body as he turned away, completely unconcerned with keith slinking off to his room for shelter. it doesn’t matter to shiro; unfounded as it may be, this guilt feels entirely earned. afterall, he did willingly open that worm app the first time. perhaps if he’d kept his guard up and better vetted the game before jumping right into it, then things would have played out differently.

this thought hounds shiro all the way to their door. unlocking and walking inside, keith is quick to shuck off all adi issued equipment and shiro…? shiro is the opposite. he unzips the front of his disposable safety suit but otherwise, does little else other than track keith’s movements. for a tick there, he takes keith’s comment and his beeline to the sink to mean that he’s going to be sick again but, no, just a rinse.

more than a rinse?

his brows creep up toward his hairline, only for the surprise to shutter away in favor of a frown as his own – delayed – itchy, uncomfortable feeling. ]

Yeah. Me too. [ inside and out; guess they’ll work on the outside first. ]

Let’s get cleaned up. [ with actual showers, not a faucet, keith. he almost smiles at the silent admonishment. ] Then we’ll meet in the… [ he abruptly cuts off, hand already in the midst of making a gesture to the couch behind him. ah. ]

– In my room. [ he grimaces as he says it, fully aware that his recovery is far from anything that can be considered smooth. ] To talk. How’s that sound?

/judges you intensely

[marmoron]

[ fortunately for shiro, keith misses that gesture towards the couch. eyes closed as the water flattens his mullet, he doesn't respond right away. the cold water feels good on his scalp, like it's clearing his head in addition to washing off grime. it's with some obvious reluctance that keith straightens up and turns off the tap.

dripping water onto his clothes and the floor, keith gives shiro a soggy look from behind the gaps in his bangs. a tiny nod comes after, then a quiet: ]

Okay.

[ a shower sounds good and necessary, and maybe while he's in there he'll have eben figured out what the hell he wants to say. he walks towards his bathroom, shivering as he turns on the hot water in his shower. there's a whole order to this shower business, but somehow even the process otripping off just feels laborious. keith pulls off his boots, socks and jacket, and he loses patience witht he rest. he walks into the shower, standing under the shower head with his eyes closed,

shirt and pants stick to his skin, but he doesn't care. the bathroom starts to steam up, but somehow it doesn't feel hot enough. dully, keith recognizes that he's bouncing from one extreme to another, but it's a distant thought. more pressing is the slowly suffocating under the qeigh of imagined judgment from shiro. how is he meant to explain his week? does he have to? back pressed to the baxthroom tiles, keith slides down slowly and sits on the shower floor.

he doesn't move for god knows how long. ]

/judged!! well. that one paragraph thing failed p quickly.

[earthshine]

[ shiro takes fast showers. hair shampooed, body soaped down, washed up, dried, and dressed cozy in a pair of soft sweats and a white tee, shiro is done in six minutes flat. he wasn’t always a stickler for shower time. he used to spend an exorbitant amount of time wasting water while his voice bounced off the tiles. thankfully, the galaxy garrison never policed their water use down to the last drop, otherwise shiro might’ve been knocked down a few pegs from his golden boy status. things changed with kerberos. the modified cleaning on the persephone was the start. the dirty rag and occasional allowance with a bowl of water to wipe himself down in his prison cell was the fatal blow that cemented a habit to be as quick as possible. he was surprised in a way, when he found himself in that cramped shower of keith’s middle-of-nowhere cabin and couldn’t get out of it fast enough. the first shower in more than a year and the only reason it clocked longer than ten minutes was due to him being too weak and disoriented to shuffle quicker through the motions.

perhaps he should’ve asked keith for help but he’d been stubborn and rattled and heartsick and…

he sighs and shakes loose the thought, tapping his fingers against the cup noodles container in his left hand. sitting cross-legged there on his bed, shiro’s waiting with two cups, both saturated and steaming. just because his showers are empty in every aspect except efficiency, doesn’t mean keith’s are. shiro expects keith to take longer and so, he’s spent the last five or so minutes zapping two cups of instant ramen. it’s not much and he isn’t even sure if keith has the stomach for it but…it might do him good to get something in his system.

so what’s he at now? eleven, twelve minutes? he waits. waits. waits some more. the heat from the cups begin to ebb. he tosses a glance toward his phone, nudging it to get the screen to light up and show the time. twenty or so minutes now. no big deal, waiting that is. he doesn’t mind.

… until he does. five more minutes pass and concern creeps in with each passing minute, until the feeling overwhelms him. he’s on his feet in the next moment and after placing the cups on his dresser, he’s out of his room. keith’s door is ajar. shiro takes this as license to nudge it open wider and stick his head into the room, calling out a tentative: ]

Keith…?

[ no answer. but there wouldn’t be, would there? not when the bathroom door is shut and the sound of the running shower is filling the space. he stares at that door for a long moment and… relief never finds him. if anything, he has a lump forming in his gut, one that sinks and sinks until his feet feel like lead blocks, unable to do anything other than stand here rooted to the spot. he needs to move though. not to return to his room to wait it out further, no. he needs to… – ]

Keith?

[ his voice is louder this time. still, nothing changes. so shiro slips inside the room and clicks the bedroom shut behind him; he has no idea if abel is in his bedroom or not, and some innate part of him wants to shield keith from any prying curiosity. well, outside his own, that is. as for himself, he’ll knock on the door and try one more time of calling for keith. nothing. nothing. so he barges in. luckily, the door is unlocked, so he won’t be forking over any money to adi for home repair, not that any of that would have stopped him from getting to keith anyway.

a turn to the right, down a short way and then another turn brings the shower into sight and – ]

Keith… [ he looks so small. that’s the first thought that comes to mind. second, is get to him and then his legs are working again, having momentarily struck still on the shock of seeing keith sitting there, dressed and drenched, looking altogether lost. he gets as close as the shower door. it’s been left open and all shiro has to do is keep walking to get to the boy but he hesitates at the threshold and crouches down instead, trying to catch keith’s eye through the steam. ]

Hey. [ soft, careful. ] What’s going on, buddy?

yeah what happeend here LOL

[marmoron]

[ lost in his own head, keith genuinely doesn't hear that first call of his name. he runs out of excuses for silence on the second louder attempt to catch his attention. distantly, he wonders just how long he's been in here that shiro's come looking for him, but he supposes it ultimately doesn't matter. if he wanted to put up some facade of functionality for shiro's benefit, he's already fucked that up.

that doesn't make it less embarrassing when shiro finally barges into the bathroom to stand just outside his shower. this is what -- the second or third time today that keith's failed to keep it together? morale crumpling, keith manages to lift his head up from off his knees enough to look shiro in the eyes and offers a wan smile that doesn't reach his eyes. it falters and dies barely a beat later.

what's going on? fuck if he knows. ]

I dunno. I didn't fall or anything. [ just to clear that up quick before shiro's concern draws a straight line between him and the clinic again. ] I think.... I'm just having a hard time..

[ said out loud like that, it's such a laughable understatement that keith almost makes himself laugh. instead of mirth however, he simply draws his knees in closer, tighter and drops his chin back down to stare at the flow of water going down the drain. ]

And I really hate how I've been handling it. [ pause. voice going quieter, he steals just the tiniest glance at shiro's face. ]... which makes me think you're gonna hate it even more.

let's just forget i ever had a new year's resolution

[earthshine]

[ shiro’s been off keith’s radar for the most part, but keith’s been on his. shiro’s tried to keep his ear to the ground and keep tabs on keith to sooth his own concern for the boy. unfortunately, keith isn’t big on the social media and adi isn’t the gossiping sort that the galaxy garrison used to be. aside from a few rogue, network posts that overshare information that really shouldn’t be put there, the majority of agents and off-worlders seem to have a higher maturity than a bunch of teenagers in orange uniforms. shiro has largely relied on their mutual roomie on any insight for keith’s comings and goings. in short? shiro’s concrete knowledge is limited.

he’s sort of hoped that keith’s spent a lot of it in his room, resting and letting his hands heal. stupid him, huh?

he’s out of guesses; he doesn’t contemplate for more either. there’s a disconnect in his concern, one that has it momentarily taking the backseat as a rush of deranged, somewhat manic humor skips to the forefront of his mind. how is that possible? how can that truly be a concern to keith? shiro's voice comes out on a disbelieving note, smile twisted on bitter self-loathing. ]

I broke your hand and you’re worried what I’ll think of you.

[ why does shiro’s opinion still matter? why has it always mattered so immensely to keith? keith’s regard has always felt a little undeserved but especially now, after the horror shiro’s wrought on him. he might have a suspicion. it’s a fragile idea though, one that he hardly dares to breathe life into beyond the darkness of his room when he’s two hours into staring at his ceiling. the way they’ve been circling each other these past months, weaving ever closer from hugs to forehead kisses to sleeping together after twice kissing on the lips.

it’s far too bright in here to consider any of this now though and shiro dismisses it as quickly as it comes, continuing with warmer words of encouragement. ]

However you’ve been handling this… I’m to blame for it too. [ he leans against the shower doorway, still keeping his distance. he’s tempted to crane up and twist the shower knob to shut off the water but as much as it pains him to see keith huddled in a puddle, he’s more hesitant to disrupt anything here. he’s fearful that keith is one wrong move away from completely collapsing in on himself and hiding away. he can be patient. he can wait this out and see what it is keith needs from him before he makes any bold moves. ]

So I promise, Keith – I promise to listen to whatever it is you want to tell me, whether I disapprove or not.

no i shall not forget

[marmoron]

[ keith falls silent as he pushes locks of wet hair out of his eyes with the back of his hand. despite promises to listen, shiro’s disappointment seems pretty inevitable. it wouldn’t be undeserved or anything, but keith doesn’t know if he can deal with a week of pursed lips and disapproving glances from his best friend.

the bit of self deprecating humor that shiro puts out there is ... well, reassuring isn’t the right word for it. grounding, perhaps to know how shiro’s been viewing the situation, even if it still makes keith feel a little incredulous. of course shiro’s opinion matters, why would it not? keith may not always agree with or defer to shiro’s opinion in everything, but he always wants to know what shiro’s thoughts are and always wants to be held in high esteem. being a disappointment to himself is bad enough, being that to shiro after all the chances his best friend gave him to rise above his faults is gut wrenching.

that said? if shiro really doesn’t know what’s been going on, keith would much rather shiro found out from him than anyone else. it’s just... a matter of figuring out how to say it. though, maybe there isn’t actually a need to think about it. not like he deserves to have his actions sugarcoated.

keith allows himself a final look at shiro’s face while it’s unclouded by judgment before sighing and returning his focus to eh drain at the center of the shower. ]

Okay. [ he takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly. ] After what happened between us, I didn’t want to think about it. But I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t focus on anything but how to get to the source of the game. Pretty much the one thing that kept me going, you know? [ he pauses, head tipped back to lean on the tiles and takes another deep breath. ]

So. While I was getting my hand fixed up at the clinic, Pam was there. I questioned -- yelled at her. She told me that she got the game from a TikTok account that was called JGriffin -- or something to that effect. Got me raising eyebrows pretty quick. Then IT cracked the source code of the worm game and the name JGriffin came up again. Ren was trying to talk to someone named J Griffin at ADI. Clearly, it was that fucking Drake guy, so I cornered him after work about ths whole thing.

[ here, keith laughs and it’s an ugly bitter noise. ]

He told me the J was for Jackson and I kinda snapped. Broke his fingers.

one day i'll hit you w one-liners

[earthshine]

[ shiro knows it has to be bad if keith is this reluctant, fearful even, to tell him what’s been going on in the past weeks. nonetheless, he’s foolish enough to hope after keith talks of yelling at pam. yelling is minimal. everyone is prone to losing their cool, so they can manage that, they can so easily get past that. but keith keeps talking. jgriffin. griffin; why does it always have to be a griffin? fuck. he’s reminded of busted lips and closed office doors, a skinny little thing huddled in the hall with his head hung low. cornered him has shiro anticipating violence and before he can even begin to reprimand himself for immediately assuming that’s keith’s go-to, even after all these years…

keith proves the reputation right.

the exhale is heavy and loud, shiro doing a piss-poor job of hiding the disappointment there. it’s much more complicated than straight-forward disapproval though. the month’s been a tough one. keith’s been pushed to a breaking point; shiro has a hand in that, two hands really, and so he knows this isn’t just keith lashing out and undoing all the progress he’s made in controlling his temperament. still: ]

I’ll save us both the trouble and not say it.

[ it being something along the lines of an exasperated keith and a patronizing you shouldn’t have done that. seems as though keith’s done enough beating up on himself to cover whatever shiro might’ve lectured in another place, in another time. besides, shiro severed a few of keith’s tendons and selfishly, he doesn’t want to scold keith for more or less following the precedent shiro set for this month, by breaking someone else’s hand too.

so he’ll skip to the aftermath and the ensuing fallout. ]

Have you talked to Tim since?

i'll cherish that one liner

[marmoron]

[ ... yeah. one look at shiro's face and keith is done looking. gaze shifting back to the shower floor, he heaves a sigh. true, he’s been spared a wholly unnecessary but well deserved lecture, but it doesn’t make his stomach churn any less. stupid. of course he doesn;t want an earful of shit he already knows, but considering he’s apparently alienated shiro by shutting down any attempts to apologize, he doesn’t want this non-lecture to be added to the pile.

so what is he supposed to do? scratch at shiro until his best friend starts yelling all his frustrations out? just accept the skipped lecture as some kind of fucked up victory? keith bites the inside of his lip, holding for two beats until the desire to disappear lessens in intensity. ]

No. [ curt and clipped. he can guess that;s going to be another goddamn lecture all its own. ] ADI hasn’t let the guy out of their sight since he finally fessed up to drawing Ren’s attention to us.

[ again, keith hasn’t lost the bitter edge to his voice, but he doesn’t quite know who or what it’s directed at anymore. himself? shiro? tim? ren? adi? all of the above? he looks up at shiro, defensive and accusing. ]

I know I have to talk to him. And I know you want to tell me I fucked up. I know all of that already. [ a beat. ] But just say it anyway if it’ll make you feel better.

oh ok.

[earthshine]

Okay, in that case... Keith, you’ve really fucked up and I am very disappointed in you.

/eats it

[marmoron]

Kay. Can you get out of my shower now?

i can't believe you edited a one liner.

[earthshine]

[ breaks ]

… Oh. Okay.

okay this is reality #2. reality #1 needs to be abandoned.

[earthshine]

[ ah yes, tim will be under adi house arrest until this whole thing is straightened out, justifiably at that. shiro wonders if even tim’s phone has been confiscated, seeing as access beyond their own community is what started this mess. he hates being lenient with the excuse though. keith could make contact with tim and make amends if he really wanted to. wanted to being the key words here; it seems keith isn’t one for mending broken relations as of late.

keith’s going on a bit of a tirade now, listing off an array of i knows that shiro is, quite frankly, one snapped nerve away from scoffing at. he knows what shiro wants to do here, huh? he truly believes that shiro gets off on kicking keith while he’s already down? while uncharitable in his thoughts, shiro doesn’t actually rise to the bait and instead, bites his tongue as keith keeps on talking, slowly, carefully, reluctantly admitting that maybe keith is right. and perhaps that’s why it rubs him so wrong at first. shiro doesn’t want to be that guy. the guy who nitpicks and prods, always ready to lecture someone about their faults, even when the person has already seen the error of their own ways.

shiro’s only ever wanted to guide keith, to help him reach his full potential… but maybe he’s leaned too heavily into this leadership role and begun to smother keith with expectation. everyone fucks up; keith’s splinted hand is proof of that.

sighing again, shiro tips his face into his hand, fingers starting at the hard knot between his brows, rubbing twice and then extending his fingers and thumb out in opposite directions to smooth out every tense muscle to his temples. his palm runs down then, ending with him cupping his chin for one, two and then dropping his hand to his lap. he draws a deep breath, still keeping control of the frustrated churn of emotion clawing at his throat and tries for a deliberately light: ]

Would it make you feel better?

[ shiro could, at least, begin to understand that. though, funny: keith wants punishment for his actions, yet he’s denied shiro retribution for breaking his hand. ]

[marmoron]

[ keith ism't looking and therefore misses the copious amount of face scrubbing shiro is doing -- probably for the better. he's never liked being the source of shiro's headaches, and if this experience is teaching him anything it's leaning towards the idea that honesty doesn't pay. it's the wrong message entirely and keith knows that too, but the moral is hard to shake.

nevertheless, shiro asks his follow up question and keith does look then, guarded but deeply incredulous. ]

Why would getting yelled at make me feel better?

[ it's almost laughable really. does shiro think he's some kind of glutton for punishment? that all of his misdeeds were warped around some desire to hear how terrible he is as a person? keith doesn't scoff, but he comes dangerously close to it. ]

You're the one who said I didn't let you say what you needed to.