[ closed ]

[earthshine]

Who: shiro + keith
When: perm log for these idiots
Where: all over
Summary: say, say o playmate from the august tdm. the butcher's camp from the september tdm. quarter pounder from the september event. keith's birthday. hermy the wormy from the december tdm. in the hive from the december event.new year, new you from the january tdm. end of january, references january event.
Warnings:
say, o say o playmate: hallucination, blood, ritualistic sacrifice, claustrophobia.
the butcher's camp: animal death, animal mutilation, both human and animal butchery, implied cannibalism, stripping ( nsfw ).
quarter pounder: blood, animal attack, consumption of human flesh, violence, gore, body horror, potential for severe injury, including puncture wounds and broken bones, potential for choking, potential for animal death.
keith's birthday: boys being stupid.
hermy the wormy: worms, decay, altered mental states/compulsion, emotional corruption, potential for violence, body mutilation, attempted murder.
in the hive: insects/swarms, bites, vomiting, body horror, death ( npcs ), mental and physical trauma
new year, new you: self-doubt, body dysmorphia trauma, cringe talk about sex safety, hook-up culture, body modification ( steroid and synthol oil use ), mention of drug use
end of january: implied animal death, self-doubt, body image issues, body dysmorphia, self-harm, body mutilation, skin burning, drug use mention ( tren steroid ), implied extreme dieting ( starvation & dehydration ), nsfw ( heavy petting and nudity ). reference to shiro's scars.

Comments

you can judge me for now shoehorning in shiro wearing exterminator stuff that i forgot about

[earthshine]

[ apparently, keith takes the whole we’ll talk at home brush off to heart. the lift to the apartment complex is quiet, aside from the soft rock station the adi driver turns on three-fourths of the way back, seemingly unable to take the silence as well as the boys in the backseat are determined to. it’s fine for the most part. shiro is in no hurry to air his dirty laundry in front of anyone, especially not someone in adi’s employ. he spends the car ride sneaking looks at keith and wondering how best to broach this subject once they get the apartment door closed behind them. he’s had weeks to put together an apology. he’s been complaining that he hasn’t had the opportunity to say this apology and yet…

sorry i tried to murder you. yeah, no, that isn’t going to work. dressing up the apology with less blatant words feels just as wrong however, like he’s trying to downplay the horrific nature of what he’d done by making it sound less jarring. of course, keith would – and will – argue, again, that shiro isn’t at fault, that his brain was hijacked and twisted beyond recognition but – still his hands, still his voice, still his body as he turned away, completely unconcerned with keith slinking off to his room for shelter. it doesn’t matter to shiro; unfounded as it may be, this guilt feels entirely earned. afterall, he did willingly open that worm app the first time. perhaps if he’d kept his guard up and better vetted the game before jumping right into it, then things would have played out differently.

this thought hounds shiro all the way to their door. unlocking and walking inside, keith is quick to shuck off all adi issued equipment and shiro…? shiro is the opposite. he unzips the front of his disposable safety suit but otherwise, does little else other than track keith’s movements. for a tick there, he takes keith’s comment and his beeline to the sink to mean that he’s going to be sick again but, no, just a rinse.

more than a rinse?

his brows creep up toward his hairline, only for the surprise to shutter away in favor of a frown as his own – delayed – itchy, uncomfortable feeling. ]

Yeah. Me too. [ inside and out; guess they’ll work on the outside first. ]

Let’s get cleaned up. [ with actual showers, not a faucet, keith. he almost smiles at the silent admonishment. ] Then we’ll meet in the… [ he abruptly cuts off, hand already in the midst of making a gesture to the couch behind him. ah. ]

– In my room. [ he grimaces as he says it, fully aware that his recovery is far from anything that can be considered smooth. ] To talk. How’s that sound?

/judges you intensely

[marmoron]

[ fortunately for shiro, keith misses that gesture towards the couch. eyes closed as the water flattens his mullet, he doesn't respond right away. the cold water feels good on his scalp, like it's clearing his head in addition to washing off grime. it's with some obvious reluctance that keith straightens up and turns off the tap.

dripping water onto his clothes and the floor, keith gives shiro a soggy look from behind the gaps in his bangs. a tiny nod comes after, then a quiet: ]

Okay.

[ a shower sounds good and necessary, and maybe while he's in there he'll have eben figured out what the hell he wants to say. he walks towards his bathroom, shivering as he turns on the hot water in his shower. there's a whole order to this shower business, but somehow even the process otripping off just feels laborious. keith pulls off his boots, socks and jacket, and he loses patience witht he rest. he walks into the shower, standing under the shower head with his eyes closed,

shirt and pants stick to his skin, but he doesn't care. the bathroom starts to steam up, but somehow it doesn't feel hot enough. dully, keith recognizes that he's bouncing from one extreme to another, but it's a distant thought. more pressing is the slowly suffocating under the qeigh of imagined judgment from shiro. how is he meant to explain his week? does he have to? back pressed to the baxthroom tiles, keith slides down slowly and sits on the shower floor.

he doesn't move for god knows how long. ]

/judged!! well. that one paragraph thing failed p quickly.

[earthshine]

[ shiro takes fast showers. hair shampooed, body soaped down, washed up, dried, and dressed cozy in a pair of soft sweats and a white tee, shiro is done in six minutes flat. he wasn’t always a stickler for shower time. he used to spend an exorbitant amount of time wasting water while his voice bounced off the tiles. thankfully, the galaxy garrison never policed their water use down to the last drop, otherwise shiro might’ve been knocked down a few pegs from his golden boy status. things changed with kerberos. the modified cleaning on the persephone was the start. the dirty rag and occasional allowance with a bowl of water to wipe himself down in his prison cell was the fatal blow that cemented a habit to be as quick as possible. he was surprised in a way, when he found himself in that cramped shower of keith’s middle-of-nowhere cabin and couldn’t get out of it fast enough. the first shower in more than a year and the only reason it clocked longer than ten minutes was due to him being too weak and disoriented to shuffle quicker through the motions.

perhaps he should’ve asked keith for help but he’d been stubborn and rattled and heartsick and…

he sighs and shakes loose the thought, tapping his fingers against the cup noodles container in his left hand. sitting cross-legged there on his bed, shiro’s waiting with two cups, both saturated and steaming. just because his showers are empty in every aspect except efficiency, doesn’t mean keith’s are. shiro expects keith to take longer and so, he’s spent the last five or so minutes zapping two cups of instant ramen. it’s not much and he isn’t even sure if keith has the stomach for it but…it might do him good to get something in his system.

so what’s he at now? eleven, twelve minutes? he waits. waits. waits some more. the heat from the cups begin to ebb. he tosses a glance toward his phone, nudging it to get the screen to light up and show the time. twenty or so minutes now. no big deal, waiting that is. he doesn’t mind.

… until he does. five more minutes pass and concern creeps in with each passing minute, until the feeling overwhelms him. he’s on his feet in the next moment and after placing the cups on his dresser, he’s out of his room. keith’s door is ajar. shiro takes this as license to nudge it open wider and stick his head into the room, calling out a tentative: ]

Keith…?

[ no answer. but there wouldn’t be, would there? not when the bathroom door is shut and the sound of the running shower is filling the space. he stares at that door for a long moment and… relief never finds him. if anything, he has a lump forming in his gut, one that sinks and sinks until his feet feel like lead blocks, unable to do anything other than stand here rooted to the spot. he needs to move though. not to return to his room to wait it out further, no. he needs to… – ]

Keith?

[ his voice is louder this time. still, nothing changes. so shiro slips inside the room and clicks the bedroom shut behind him; he has no idea if abel is in his bedroom or not, and some innate part of him wants to shield keith from any prying curiosity. well, outside his own, that is. as for himself, he’ll knock on the door and try one more time of calling for keith. nothing. nothing. so he barges in. luckily, the door is unlocked, so he won’t be forking over any money to adi for home repair, not that any of that would have stopped him from getting to keith anyway.

a turn to the right, down a short way and then another turn brings the shower into sight and – ]

Keith… [ he looks so small. that’s the first thought that comes to mind. second, is get to him and then his legs are working again, having momentarily struck still on the shock of seeing keith sitting there, dressed and drenched, looking altogether lost. he gets as close as the shower door. it’s been left open and all shiro has to do is keep walking to get to the boy but he hesitates at the threshold and crouches down instead, trying to catch keith’s eye through the steam. ]

Hey. [ soft, careful. ] What’s going on, buddy?

yeah what happeend here LOL

[marmoron]

[ lost in his own head, keith genuinely doesn't hear that first call of his name. he runs out of excuses for silence on the second louder attempt to catch his attention. distantly, he wonders just how long he's been in here that shiro's come looking for him, but he supposes it ultimately doesn't matter. if he wanted to put up some facade of functionality for shiro's benefit, he's already fucked that up.

that doesn't make it less embarrassing when shiro finally barges into the bathroom to stand just outside his shower. this is what -- the second or third time today that keith's failed to keep it together? morale crumpling, keith manages to lift his head up from off his knees enough to look shiro in the eyes and offers a wan smile that doesn't reach his eyes. it falters and dies barely a beat later.

what's going on? fuck if he knows. ]

I dunno. I didn't fall or anything. [ just to clear that up quick before shiro's concern draws a straight line between him and the clinic again. ] I think.... I'm just having a hard time..

[ said out loud like that, it's such a laughable understatement that keith almost makes himself laugh. instead of mirth however, he simply draws his knees in closer, tighter and drops his chin back down to stare at the flow of water going down the drain. ]

And I really hate how I've been handling it. [ pause. voice going quieter, he steals just the tiniest glance at shiro's face. ]... which makes me think you're gonna hate it even more.

let's just forget i ever had a new year's resolution

[earthshine]

[ shiro’s been off keith’s radar for the most part, but keith’s been on his. shiro’s tried to keep his ear to the ground and keep tabs on keith to sooth his own concern for the boy. unfortunately, keith isn’t big on the social media and adi isn’t the gossiping sort that the galaxy garrison used to be. aside from a few rogue, network posts that overshare information that really shouldn’t be put there, the majority of agents and off-worlders seem to have a higher maturity than a bunch of teenagers in orange uniforms. shiro has largely relied on their mutual roomie on any insight for keith’s comings and goings. in short? shiro’s concrete knowledge is limited.

he’s sort of hoped that keith’s spent a lot of it in his room, resting and letting his hands heal. stupid him, huh?

he’s out of guesses; he doesn’t contemplate for more either. there’s a disconnect in his concern, one that has it momentarily taking the backseat as a rush of deranged, somewhat manic humor skips to the forefront of his mind. how is that possible? how can that truly be a concern to keith? shiro's voice comes out on a disbelieving note, smile twisted on bitter self-loathing. ]

I broke your hand and you’re worried what I’ll think of you.

[ why does shiro’s opinion still matter? why has it always mattered so immensely to keith? keith’s regard has always felt a little undeserved but especially now, after the horror shiro’s wrought on him. he might have a suspicion. it’s a fragile idea though, one that he hardly dares to breathe life into beyond the darkness of his room when he’s two hours into staring at his ceiling. the way they’ve been circling each other these past months, weaving ever closer from hugs to forehead kisses to sleeping together after twice kissing on the lips.

it’s far too bright in here to consider any of this now though and shiro dismisses it as quickly as it comes, continuing with warmer words of encouragement. ]

However you’ve been handling this… I’m to blame for it too. [ he leans against the shower doorway, still keeping his distance. he’s tempted to crane up and twist the shower knob to shut off the water but as much as it pains him to see keith huddled in a puddle, he’s more hesitant to disrupt anything here. he’s fearful that keith is one wrong move away from completely collapsing in on himself and hiding away. he can be patient. he can wait this out and see what it is keith needs from him before he makes any bold moves. ]

So I promise, Keith – I promise to listen to whatever it is you want to tell me, whether I disapprove or not.

no i shall not forget

[marmoron]

[ keith falls silent as he pushes locks of wet hair out of his eyes with the back of his hand. despite promises to listen, shiro’s disappointment seems pretty inevitable. it wouldn’t be undeserved or anything, but keith doesn’t know if he can deal with a week of pursed lips and disapproving glances from his best friend.

the bit of self deprecating humor that shiro puts out there is ... well, reassuring isn’t the right word for it. grounding, perhaps to know how shiro’s been viewing the situation, even if it still makes keith feel a little incredulous. of course shiro’s opinion matters, why would it not? keith may not always agree with or defer to shiro’s opinion in everything, but he always wants to know what shiro’s thoughts are and always wants to be held in high esteem. being a disappointment to himself is bad enough, being that to shiro after all the chances his best friend gave him to rise above his faults is gut wrenching.

that said? if shiro really doesn’t know what’s been going on, keith would much rather shiro found out from him than anyone else. it’s just... a matter of figuring out how to say it. though, maybe there isn’t actually a need to think about it. not like he deserves to have his actions sugarcoated.

keith allows himself a final look at shiro’s face while it’s unclouded by judgment before sighing and returning his focus to eh drain at the center of the shower. ]

Okay. [ he takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly. ] After what happened between us, I didn’t want to think about it. But I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t focus on anything but how to get to the source of the game. Pretty much the one thing that kept me going, you know? [ he pauses, head tipped back to lean on the tiles and takes another deep breath. ]

So. While I was getting my hand fixed up at the clinic, Pam was there. I questioned -- yelled at her. She told me that she got the game from a TikTok account that was called JGriffin -- or something to that effect. Got me raising eyebrows pretty quick. Then IT cracked the source code of the worm game and the name JGriffin came up again. Ren was trying to talk to someone named J Griffin at ADI. Clearly, it was that fucking Drake guy, so I cornered him after work about ths whole thing.

[ here, keith laughs and it’s an ugly bitter noise. ]

He told me the J was for Jackson and I kinda snapped. Broke his fingers.

one day i'll hit you w one-liners

[earthshine]

[ shiro knows it has to be bad if keith is this reluctant, fearful even, to tell him what’s been going on in the past weeks. nonetheless, he’s foolish enough to hope after keith talks of yelling at pam. yelling is minimal. everyone is prone to losing their cool, so they can manage that, they can so easily get past that. but keith keeps talking. jgriffin. griffin; why does it always have to be a griffin? fuck. he’s reminded of busted lips and closed office doors, a skinny little thing huddled in the hall with his head hung low. cornered him has shiro anticipating violence and before he can even begin to reprimand himself for immediately assuming that’s keith’s go-to, even after all these years…

keith proves the reputation right.

the exhale is heavy and loud, shiro doing a piss-poor job of hiding the disappointment there. it’s much more complicated than straight-forward disapproval though. the month’s been a tough one. keith’s been pushed to a breaking point; shiro has a hand in that, two hands really, and so he knows this isn’t just keith lashing out and undoing all the progress he’s made in controlling his temperament. still: ]

I’ll save us both the trouble and not say it.

[ it being something along the lines of an exasperated keith and a patronizing you shouldn’t have done that. seems as though keith’s done enough beating up on himself to cover whatever shiro might’ve lectured in another place, in another time. besides, shiro severed a few of keith’s tendons and selfishly, he doesn’t want to scold keith for more or less following the precedent shiro set for this month, by breaking someone else’s hand too.

so he’ll skip to the aftermath and the ensuing fallout. ]

Have you talked to Tim since?

i'll cherish that one liner

[marmoron]

[ ... yeah. one look at shiro's face and keith is done looking. gaze shifting back to the shower floor, he heaves a sigh. true, he’s been spared a wholly unnecessary but well deserved lecture, but it doesn’t make his stomach churn any less. stupid. of course he doesn;t want an earful of shit he already knows, but considering he’s apparently alienated shiro by shutting down any attempts to apologize, he doesn’t want this non-lecture to be added to the pile.

so what is he supposed to do? scratch at shiro until his best friend starts yelling all his frustrations out? just accept the skipped lecture as some kind of fucked up victory? keith bites the inside of his lip, holding for two beats until the desire to disappear lessens in intensity. ]

No. [ curt and clipped. he can guess that;s going to be another goddamn lecture all its own. ] ADI hasn’t let the guy out of their sight since he finally fessed up to drawing Ren’s attention to us.

[ again, keith hasn’t lost the bitter edge to his voice, but he doesn’t quite know who or what it’s directed at anymore. himself? shiro? tim? ren? adi? all of the above? he looks up at shiro, defensive and accusing. ]

I know I have to talk to him. And I know you want to tell me I fucked up. I know all of that already. [ a beat. ] But just say it anyway if it’ll make you feel better.

oh ok.

[earthshine]

Okay, in that case... Keith, you’ve really fucked up and I am very disappointed in you.

/eats it

[marmoron]

Kay. Can you get out of my shower now?

i can't believe you edited a one liner.

[earthshine]

[ breaks ]

… Oh. Okay.

we don't talk about my editing.

[marmoron]

[ there's just too much that time cannot erase. ]

... bye then.

we also don't talk about your brackets. it's stuck in my head btw, so thanks.

[earthshine]

[ hops out of the bathroom ]

okay this is reality #2. reality #1 needs to be abandoned.

[earthshine]

[ ah yes, tim will be under adi house arrest until this whole thing is straightened out, justifiably at that. shiro wonders if even tim’s phone has been confiscated, seeing as access beyond their own community is what started this mess. he hates being lenient with the excuse though. keith could make contact with tim and make amends if he really wanted to. wanted to being the key words here; it seems keith isn’t one for mending broken relations as of late.

keith’s going on a bit of a tirade now, listing off an array of i knows that shiro is, quite frankly, one snapped nerve away from scoffing at. he knows what shiro wants to do here, huh? he truly believes that shiro gets off on kicking keith while he’s already down? while uncharitable in his thoughts, shiro doesn’t actually rise to the bait and instead, bites his tongue as keith keeps on talking, slowly, carefully, reluctantly admitting that maybe keith is right. and perhaps that’s why it rubs him so wrong at first. shiro doesn’t want to be that guy. the guy who nitpicks and prods, always ready to lecture someone about their faults, even when the person has already seen the error of their own ways.

shiro’s only ever wanted to guide keith, to help him reach his full potential… but maybe he’s leaned too heavily into this leadership role and begun to smother keith with expectation. everyone fucks up; keith’s splinted hand is proof of that.

sighing again, shiro tips his face into his hand, fingers starting at the hard knot between his brows, rubbing twice and then extending his fingers and thumb out in opposite directions to smooth out every tense muscle to his temples. his palm runs down then, ending with him cupping his chin for one, two and then dropping his hand to his lap. he draws a deep breath, still keeping control of the frustrated churn of emotion clawing at his throat and tries for a deliberately light: ]

Would it make you feel better?

[ shiro could, at least, begin to understand that. though, funny: keith wants punishment for his actions, yet he’s denied shiro retribution for breaking his hand. ]

[marmoron]

[ keith ism't looking and therefore misses the copious amount of face scrubbing shiro is doing -- probably for the better. he's never liked being the source of shiro's headaches, and if this experience is teaching him anything it's leaning towards the idea that honesty doesn't pay. it's the wrong message entirely and keith knows that too, but the moral is hard to shake.

nevertheless, shiro asks his follow up question and keith does look then, guarded but deeply incredulous. ]

Why would getting yelled at make me feel better?

[ it's almost laughable really. does shiro think he's some kind of glutton for punishment? that all of his misdeeds were warped around some desire to hear how terrible he is as a person? keith doesn't scoff, but he comes dangerously close to it. ]

You're the one who said I didn't let you say what you needed to.

[earthshine]

[ it sounds ridiculous when it’s volleyed back at him but… why else would keith backtrack the conversation to more or less, goad shiro into lecturing him? shiro’s got an unfortunate, self-flaggation habit; at this point in his life, it’s stubbornly set in his psyche, so to him, drawing someone’s ire to offset some guilt isn’t that strange of a want. destructive, yes, but not strange. he’s projecting though, huh? that’s what he wants for himself; that’s why he’s been trying to apologize to keith, on the few occasions that he’s actually braved being around.

god, he’s such a coward.

self admonishment adequately issued, shiro’s frustration climbs higher, feeling strangely out of depth with how to approach this. a lecture is easy. a lecture is expected. but fuck, shiro does not want to do that, not here, not now, not when keith is still huddled into his knees and looking like a drowned cat.

… but keith’s accusation lands. it stings just enough to loosen his tongue for an exasperated: ]

Yeah, about me breaking your hand, not about you breaking someone else’s. [ the meaning between the lines? shiro doesn’t give a shit about this fake griffin kid. keith didn’t handle it right, sure, but tim fucked up royally and shiro doesn’t necessarily want to have jurisdiction over that mess by playing keith’s babysitter. the only person shiro cares about in this whole fucked up reality is the one he also hurt the most. ]

I wanna talk about us. I wanna know we’re okay. [ a beat. ] That you’re okay… with me.

[marmoron]

[ that actually takes the wind right out of keith's sails. he looks away quickly, looking thoroughly chastised as he swallows. i wanna know we're okay. i wanna know you're okay with me. if they both want the same fucking thing, then why do they have to resort to being irritable about it? keith sucks in a deep breath and holds it for three long seconds. does it make him feel better? not exactly. it doesn't calm him per se, either. but it does give him the willpower to look up at shiro with a faltering expression. ]

I thought we were okay!

[ the unsaid but is deafening as keith mangles his lower lip for a beat. how does he even begin to unpack whether they're okay or not? when does he unpack it from? since that day on the couch when shiro tried to kill him and then avoided him for weeks? or does it wrap back around to the turkey testicle fetival when they kissed and things between them felt right .... until they woke up the next day and shiro didn't remember a goddamn thing and left keith feeling like he has to carry a secret? keith holds eye contact for as long as he can bear before there's a prickling feeling at the corners of his eyes that forces him to drop his head and draw tighter into hinself. ]

I thought -- [ voice cracking slightly, keith grits his teeth and clears his throat. ] But you weren't in your right mind for one thing and you don't even remember the other. So I don't know, okay? I want us to be okay. It's the only thing I want.

[earthshine]

[ remember the other? shiro remembers every detail, so what is – oh. keith’s talking about that night, isn’t he? luckily for shiro, keith’s head is down, and so, the surprise turned guilty conscious that’s written all over his face is missed. right. that. he chews on the fatty tissue of his cheek and looks away, agitated and indecisive. he panicked then and he’s still panicking, all these weeks later, over the thought of what acknowledging that kiss – two kisses – would do to their friendship. he thought it’d be easier this way. if he didn’t remember some drunken shenanigans, then there’d be no expectation or obligation between them, they could simply continue on as they had before.

easier, right, this doesn’t feel easier.

has it been festering in keith’s mind as much as it has in shiro’s? does he catch himself wondering and wanting and thinking what if…? maybe. if anything, it seems like it’s been tormenting ketih, just as everything else shiro’s brought upon him as of late. shiro grimaces, lips pressed tight together on a frown. he could come clean. it could help clear every tangled, broken feeling between them and help them move past all of this. or it could do the opposite, is the cynical voice in him. and maybe some part of shiro wants that. if keith refuses to get angry with him about breaking his hand and squeezing his neck until it bruised, then perhaps keith learning that shiro’s been hiding from him in more ways than one, will finally earn shiro the tongue lashing he thinks he deserves.

no. he closes his eyes and draws a breath, once again repeating no to himself. keith’s overwhelmed. keith’s hurt. shiro doesn’t want to inflict more damage in some shitty ploy to feed his own self-destructive tendencies. opening his eyes now, he looks back to keith and finally, finally realizes that he’s still doing it. he’s still putting distance between them because he thinks that’s what keith should want, even though everything about keith says differently.

so he gets up. his clothing gets a good spray down as he pads inside, as well as his damp, yet mostly dry, hair. as he knocks his back to the tile and eases down to sit beside keith, shiro sighs, gently offering the two words he’s been dying to say for eons now. ]

I’m sorry. [ except, the apology isn’t for what happened two weeks ago. ] I’m complicating everything. [ and even as he says this, there’s a silent but, that he follows up with his explanation as to why he’s complicating everything. ]

Your forgiveness shouldn’t be this easy. [ a beat. ] I don’t know what I’m saying. [ back and forth, back and forth, he can’t seem to decide on a steady course. he frowns toward the center of the shower stall and draws up one knee, resting his forearm along it. ]

I just… I could’ve killed you. I don’t know how to accept that.

[marmoron]

[ focusing hard on keeping the mass of bad inertia contained within himself, keith keeps his eyes squeezed shut as shiro comes to sit next to him. dully, that registers as technically being strange. shiro had been dressed and dry, why come in and sit beside him while the shower is still running? he doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t feel like trying to divine any one else’s state of mind when his own is barely indistinguishable from thick miasma..

i’m sorry.

the desire to laugh itches at the back of his throat, but it never amounts to anything because shiro doesn’t give him the time to process that on its own.

i’m complicating everything. your forgiveness shouldn’t come this easily.fuck is that supposed to mean? keith tries to ask, but instead makes a raw noise that’s wounded in its confusion. he doesn’t understand, and moreover apparently shiro doesn’t either. it should be funny. that itch in his throat is back, but when keith sucks down air for his next inhale, it comes out ugly on hitched breath and shaking shoulders.

one moment he’s there at the warehouse bringing his foot down on a jaw teeming with hundreds of swarming insects, the next he’s on the couch struggling to breathe through the pressure of metal fingers clamped tight around his throat. keith opens his eyes, giving himself a mental shake. ]

So what -- you want me to tell you to fuck off? I -- [ voice pinched and tight, keith keeps his face buried in his knees. ] Want me to tell you I was scared? What do you want?

[earthshine]

[ no. yes. maybe. what does he want? ]

I don’t know. [ quiet, lost, just barely above being drowned out by the spray. ] I – retribution, maybe?

[ so the self-flagellation is winning out afterall. the problem here is that he can’t articulate what this punishment is meant to be. he doesn’t want keith telling him to fuck off, vowing to never see him again. but anything lesser than that seems inadequate in the light of what he – unknowingly – did. so he doesn’t know how to resolve this bitter, tormented feeling in his ribcage. according to keith, he shouldn’t even feel anything about it though, huh? he wasn’t in his right mind, like that makes everything that came after forgettable; that neither of them ever have to acknowledge it happened.

– isn’t that what shiro is doing with the drunken kisses?

shut up. one thing at a time. he blows out a breath and focuses on his arm slung over his knee, curling and uncurling those inhuman fingers. he supposes this all stems from – that. ]

I’ve gotten away with so much and never had to apologize for it. [ it could be argued that it wasn’t of his own volition then either. forced into a decision to kill or be killed, of course he chose the former, even if it came at the expense of murdering lesser, more defenseless creatures. his form of punishment? he straightens out his fingers, tilting his wrist to survey the splay and reach of each metal inch. is a ruined body enough? he’s not so sure. he still has a beating heart and air being pulled into his lungs; that’s far more than anything that can be said about those who cowered before him in the ring. ]

I don’t want this to be like that… I want you to take me seriously when I say I’m sorry, that I’d never want to…

[ hurt him, even though that seems to happen often, just never in the physical sense, huh? so no more brushing it off. no more avoiding it. no more pretending it’s no big deal. shiro has all the potential to be dangerous and it’s about time they create safeguards for that. he swallows and balls his fist, hardening his voice. ]

And if it ever happens again. If I’m never me… you take that knife of yours and you defend yourself to whatever end.

[marmoron]

[ what the absolute fuck is he listening to right now? where his head had been filled with static before, it's gone stark silent in the span of a few words. every drop of water from the shower head suddenly tuned out of focus, out of mind as keith stares at shiro in abject horror.

he doesn't know what shiro's talking about. gotten away with so much? -- what? it should be easy to piece that together given time and room to breathe, but keith's ability to deal with anything has telescoped around his life in the last two weeks. forget the boars, forget adi, forget voltron, forget that whole awful year before shiro miraculously came back -- he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to process any of that right now.

not when the most important person in his life is effectively asking him to... ]

Are you insane?

[ the question comes out louder, sharper than intended and echoes sharply off the tiles. ]

I'm not fucking stabbing you. How could you even ask that? Is this seriously your idea of making amends?

[earthshine]

[ shiro’s a liar. all this time, he’s told himself he’s giving keith a wide berth so he can come to terms with everything and once shiro’s apologized, find a way to feel safe around him again. but it’s not that at all. or at least, not only that. shiro can’t relax around keith, because he’s the one who doesn’t feel safe.

gloucester has come with an array of mental games, this past one being the most violent. shiro doesn’t doubt for a second that there will be other mind fuckerys in the future and likely not of the terrorizing, yet mostly harmless type that plagued them in the first couple of months. if shiro goes rogue… – he can’t do that. he can’t come to and find keith’s lifeless body.

so call him selfish. call him insane. but shiro isn’t backing down on this. ]

Listen to me. [ he matches keith’s intensity, voice still hard-edged and unwavering. he doesn’t look at keith, still staring at this goddamn curse of an arm. ] You can’t hesitate next time.

[marmoron]

[ keith is listening alright and he doesn't like a word of it. brows knitting together, he straightens up and immediately brushes all of shiro's points asife. ]

Do you still have mold on you or something?

[ coming right off the heels of their last experience, it's likely a cheap shot but fuck if keith knows anything anymore. the warehouse had been full of ren in bits and pieces, in all of her insectoid friends -- how the hell is he supposed to rule out some lingering bullshit influence on her part? without warning, he snatches up shiro's flesh arm and turns it this way and that to look, still wearing a scowl on his face. ]

You said we're a team. You said we were going to handle everything together. You said all those things and now none of it matters?

[earthshine]

[ shiro sputters as his hand is yanked toward keith. mold? he scoffs next and that’s his mistake; it’s a preposterous question and he doesn’t deem it with an outright denial, because to him, the answer is obvious. he went to the clinic. he hasn’t touched the app since. and he’s meticulously looked himself over every morning before daring to step outside of his room. so of course he’s mold free.

he allows keith precisely four seconds and three turns of his hand before shiro pulls it back, meeting keith’s scowl with a sour version of his own. ]

They still matter. [ but but but – ] But some things are out of our control.

[ not so optimistic any more, is he? as long as they believe in themselves and each other, they can overcome any obstacle: isn’t he always spouting off feel good inspirations like that to encourage everyone on? it’s time for a reality check. ]

This isn’t the route I want to take by any means. [ the harshness gives here some, punctuated by a weary sigh. ] I only want you to be prepared should the worst happen.

[marmoron]

[ to keith's credit he doesn't yank back shiro's hand to continue the mold check. as far as he's concerned, it's still not a ludicrous idea that deserves being scoffed at, but he won't force shiro to offer himself up for scrutiny.

that said, the slight give in shiro's tone is not one that's mirrored in keith's. while he doesn't yell, his tone is unyielding in its finality and the scowl stays locked in place. ]

And I am not entertaining the idea of stabbing you or cosigning anything to that effect. Did you come in here to make me feel worse or something? Cuz congrats -- mission accomplished, soldier.

[ exhaling slowly, keith adds just a touch less bitingly. ]

I really don't need you to strongarm me into some messed up consent to lethal force agreement right now. You said you were going to apologize. You could have stopped at I'm sorry.