earthshine: (back day was today. can you tell)
takashi shirogane ([personal profile] earthshine) wrote in [community profile] apocalypsehowcomm2021-08-05 03:34 pm

[ closed ]

Who: shiro + keith
When: perm log for these idiots
Where: all over
Summary: say, say o playmate from the august tdm. the butcher's camp from the september tdm. quarter pounder from the september event. keith's birthday. hermy the wormy from the december tdm. in the hive from the december event.new year, new you from the january tdm. end of january, references january event.
Warnings:
say, o say o playmate: hallucination, blood, ritualistic sacrifice, claustrophobia.
the butcher's camp: animal death, animal mutilation, both human and animal butchery, implied cannibalism, stripping ( nsfw ).
quarter pounder: blood, animal attack, consumption of human flesh, violence, gore, body horror, potential for severe injury, including puncture wounds and broken bones, potential for choking, potential for animal death.
keith's birthday: boys being stupid.
hermy the wormy: worms, decay, altered mental states/compulsion, emotional corruption, potential for violence, body mutilation, attempted murder.
in the hive: insects/swarms, bites, vomiting, body horror, death ( npcs ), mental and physical trauma
new year, new you: self-doubt, body dysmorphia trauma, cringe talk about sex safety, hook-up culture, body modification ( steroid and synthol oil use ), mention of drug use
end of january: implied animal death, self-doubt, body image issues, body dysmorphia, self-harm, body mutilation, skin burning, drug use mention ( tren steroid ), implied extreme dieting ( starvation & dehydration ), nsfw ( heavy petting and nudity ). reference to shiro's scars.

marmoron: marmoron (that's all she wrote)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-07 06:21 pm (UTC)(link)
[ shiro slams his hand down and keith flinches. as far as posturing goes, he shouldn't be putting out anything less than a tough exterior, but seeing his best friend getting up stings worse than it has any right to. a more fatalistic side of keith is stuck on of course, but the rest just feels raw. he ought to be glaring -- force shiro to look him right in the eye as he abandons keith again, but instead keith just looks helplessly at his loosened hand splints. he's angry. resentful even, but the things shiro is saying and doing are all blending in the tapestry stitched together by murphy's law.

nut something happens to change shiro's mind and keith watches with a tired look in his eyes as his best friend sits back down. keith doesn't know if that's a good or bad sigh. is shiro staying to wear him down more or --

i'm sorry.

and then silence. keith bites his lip in some attempt to keep it from trembling. after everything he's said about feeling regretful and guilty over the fights he's picked and the destruction he's caused, shiro demanding that he cause more damage in some hypothetical clusterfuck had made it so abundantly clear that shiro hadn't been listening at all.

the silence here finally feels like some kind of breakthrough, but it doesn't feel like a victory. no, instead it feels like a shitty stalemate. face scrunching, keith lets the stream of water fill in the silence for a long ten seconds before breaking it.
]

I don't wanna argue, Shiro. I don't wanna fight anymore. You're my family. Can't we just... get along like we used to?
marmoron: marmoron (listening ears on)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-07 11:33 pm (UTC)(link)
[ keith doesn't put up any resistance as shiro tugs him in close. in fact, he does damn near the opposite and presses his cheek against shiro's shoulder, leaning into the familiarity of the contact. fuck, it's been what -- two weeks of being cut off from physical comfort and affirming touch? the press of just his face turns into a full body lean as keith wraps his arms tight around his best friend's sides.

keith sits this way, twisted and face buried. he should probably find something to say, but nothing comes readily. their friendship's survived a lot over the years including a government cover up and hostile aliens, but the beating it's taken of late is different from all that. how exactly do you recover from the knowledge that you're one mindhack away from murdering someone you love? killing ren was keith's entire answer to this, but then here's shiro who, in his own words, is complicating things. he heaves a deep sigh, fingers digging in tight, tighter at shiro's hip.
]

I know you care about me. [ it's offered up in whisper soft tones, barely audible over the running water. ] ...but sometimes I don't think you realize just how important you are to me.

[ a beat, the mumbled somewhat into shiro's sleeve. ]

Kinda stings.
marmoron: marmoron (heart to heart)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-08 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
[ shiro can't see, but the comment makes keith wrinkle his brow, somehwat despairing. shiro might have an idea now after keith's put on this fuucking spectacular show of being absolutely pathetic. cool. perfect. keeping his face carefully tucked out of sight, keith breathes through the mortification. maybe that isn't how shiro sees it though, if he's holding keith a pinch tighter.

there's a request before keith can mull that one over cmpletely -- only it gets cut off mid-way. he peeks up just enough to look at shiro with one eye.
]

Hm? What is it?

[ self conscious, he assumes maybe it's a request to cling a little less. without confirming that, keith loosens up his fingers. better yet, maybe shiro wants to get out of the shower. ]
marmoron: marmoron ("......")

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-08 03:29 am (UTC)(link)
[ .... that is just about the last thing keith was expecting shiro to ask for and it shows in the way his eyes go wide and color heats up his cheeks a beat later. despite ultimately wanting the same things, they haven’t been occupying a similar kind of headspace. this latest iteration of that fact just leaves keith speechless rather than angry. is it a welcome change...? yes? no? ]

Oh...

[ the flustered noise is out of keith’s mouth before he can think to stop it. even more damningly, there isn’t a follow up at the ready, again leaving running water to fill in a deafening gap. feeling very much like a deer caught in headlights, keith swallows and tries not to immediately duck away and hide his face. ]

I didn’t think... you cared?

[ but perhaps keith should have ended the thought at i didn’t think.. it’d be a blatant lie though, and not one keith thinks can survive any kind of cross examination through. of course it’d stuck with him that shiro s only reaction had been to snap the tendons in his hand and promptly return to another round of hermy the wormy.

or.. moldy shiro did. the real shiro hadn’t exactly brought it up either when he was clear headed. maybe there’d never been an opportune moment, but keith had just assumed this was just like the forgotten kisses after the festival. he swallows hard, dropping eye contact briefly to stare at shiro’s metal arm.

if he’s being honest he hasn’t felt the same way about that arm ever since that day, even if his feelings about the person it’s attached to are still much the same. pulling away very slightly, he does his best to hold eye contact without fidgeting.
]

... but of course I love you. [ a beat. nervousness gets the better of keith and he looks away sheepishly. ] That's been true for a really long time.
marmoron: marmoron (listening ears on)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-08 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
[ keith is very content to keep his gaze fixed at a point other than shiro's face, but it's looking like shiro isn't on the same page there, huh? not surprising, given how this whole conversation gone, but the press of metal fingers hooking under his chin makes keith tense very briefly. unlike that time two weeks ago, the prosthetic feels warm on his skin, and coaxing rather than painful. it's still an extra beat before keith pushes away the unease entirely to breathe normally.

but he'd be lying if he said the galra arm was the only reason for the added skittishness. eyes locked on deep gray, keith swallows trying to silence every neuron in his head freaking out about the scant inches between their faces. shiro doesn't know. shiro doesn't remember. this isn't a prelude to kissing the way they did weeks earlier. heart racing, keith tries to keep his head blank of all thought, expression almost owlish as shiro bursts into relieved laughter and sweeps the hair away from his face.

ah. ah yes -- right. this is famiiliar. this is what they were doing before things got complicated and messy and tangled and --

i love you too

keith doesn't know what expression he's even pulling at this point, but maybe it doesn't matter because shiro closes the distance in that familiar way. hearing the words said back like that, looked right in the eye does a whole host of stupid things. a swoop in his stomach, a dull ache in his chest, then the flutter-flutter of warmth that starts to erode through whatever defenses keith had left in his system. stupid. shiro's said these words before ... but it hits different. maybe because they're both so fucking miserable and lonely.

the gentle pressure on his forehead lifts and keith looks up at shiro, daring for once to actually look at him longingly the way he did when he was sure shiro wasn't looking these past weeks. he doesn't smile -- not while part of him is just burning to force shiro to remember the night of the festival, but can he? should he?
]

Yeah?

[ his tone's gone wistful there as he glances down at his best friend's lips very briefly. ]

We're gonna take care of each other. No matter what, right?
marmoron: (owl eyes)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-08 09:28 pm (UTC)(link)
[ the moment holds for one agonizing beat, then another. keith swallows, consumed with indecision. is it cowardice keeping him in place? maybe -- definitely, but then shiro starts pulling away and the window of opportunity slips out between his fingers. keith doesn't know if he's relieved or disappointed, but it's clear enough that shiro wants to move on.

he ought to be perfectly placated. we're going to take care of each other no matter what is a position diametrically opposed to use lethal force on me if you have to, but somehow he doubts the matter has actually been resolved. one way or another though, it's what keith wants to hear in the moment so he lets the issue drop. in much the same way that the non-issue of kisses is also dropped.

it's for the best. keith repeats the thought to himself, despite the sinking feeling in his stomach. they're family. family don't kiss like that. and moreover, everything's a fucking mess right now. when will it ever not be a mess? is the logical question that comes up, but of course it can't be given any room to breathe. what is happening instead is a shoulder nudge and the offer of cold ramen. he swallows, forcing a tiny half smile. he isn't hungry really, but this is at least a step towards normalcy.
]

Okay. [ he breathes out, then slowly gets to his feet. ] ... But I still need to wash my hair, so....I'll see you in a bit?
marmoron: marmoron (i have a guilty conscience)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-08 10:51 pm (UTC)(link)
[ alright is relative, and sure -- keith will be alright. once the initial pathetic thought of wait, don't go... subsides. shiro is quicker on his feet, and keith watches in silence as the damp white shirt clings to and accentuates his best friend's chest and back.

he shouldn't be looking. that much is obvious, but keith is slow to drop his gaze and squirt shampoo into his hand.
]

Yeah, I'll be fine.

[ it's a quiet reply though as keith grapples with himself over whether or not to be honest. there's arguably been too much of that already and it's already led to one narrowly avoided argument. but then again, maybe that's just a reason to get it all over with so they can actually start fresh tomorrow. he worries at his lip before looking up again. ]

...Can I ask something?
marmoron: marmoron (well you see...)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-09 01:02 am (UTC)(link)
[ ...woah. so shiro isn't going to punish the unfortunately worded question with some old-timer teasing. keith isn't sure if the mercy is a good or bad sign, but it does make him pause. and then pause some more before he kicks himself into saying something. ]

Okay.

[ feeling neither okay nor eloquent, keith flusters and again drops his gaze back to the drain if only because that seems like a far safer place to be looking as he works through his thoughts. ... for all the good that the attempt does him. the issue is an abstract one that keith doesn't quite know how to put words to. do you wanna kiss a little? might be one distillation of it, but even in his head it sounds so crude that it makes keith fluster harder.

deep breath, deep breath.

and then he just gives up and blurts:
]

You think of me as a little brother, right?
marmoron: marmoron (avert eye contact)

[personal profile] marmoron 2022-01-09 03:15 am (UTC)(link)
...

[ keith's expression goes a little distant as he looks back down to the drain. that doesn't answer a pretty straightforward yes or no question, and keith doesn't know what to make of the brush off. it's not a yes -- meaning he should get over whatever this feeling is, but it's not a no either which means wallowing in this no-man's land of ambiguity.

but considering a reaffirmation that they're family tips closer to a yes than a no, keith wonders if shiro's just awkwardly trying to let him down easy. keith holds that thought, then sighs as he gives shiro a tiny nod.
]

Just family in general then. 'Kay.

[ not that keith would really know what the hell that feeling is even like considering his whole blood familuy had consisted of one very specific role. turning to face the water hdead on, he turns the hot water up even further. what he really ought to be saying here is something like a later, rather than leave shiro hanging, but ... it's not like shiro's given him any solid closure to work with either. ]