[log] no matter what they tell you / the future's up for grabs, no

[lowficharm]

Who: Martin and you, possibly!
When: After his network post over the next day or two.
Where: The ADI apartments, the library, and the beach.
Summary: Jon has disappeared. Martin is not taking it well by any stretch of the word.
Warnings: Disassociation, codependency, depression, lots and lots of guilt, and maybe more as they come up.

i. [ADI apartments] nobody said the road was endless / nobody said the climb was friendless

[Jon is gone. Jon is not here and his phone is deactivated and Martin is running over every single detail of the day and the last time he saw him in his head. It was this morning, they were in bed, he's sure he saw him then and did he say I love you this morning? Did he forget? The mug Jon used for coffee is still in the sink, it can't have been that far, he can't have gone that far.

At first, he's just in the apartment after he makes the post, pacing around and looking for clues. He's checked every window for any kind of unknown entry, he's gone through every paper left behind on the small desk in their room, he's looked in every drawer for missing clothes or belongings or--

Even if you don't come calling to just check on him, he can be found around apartment block B, just... looking. It's uncanny how quiet he is in these moments, seeming to look at places on the floor, at windows, even in the stairwell, but he's in rapt attention until he's approached.]

Sorry, if-- don't mind me. Just looking for something, you can carry on, don't mean to block you--

[He almost sounds out of breath, for some reason. Strange.]

ii. [the library] but could we please pretend this won't end?

[He can't stay in the apartment for too long. Once he's searched ADI up and down, it's off to other places he thinks Jon might be. He's heard something's happening with the library recently- maybe Jon's investigating, it would be normal, it would be so normal to find him there and this could all be over so quickly.

In fact, as soon as he steps in, he hears him. It's faint, but the relief he feels is so sweet he almost feels like crying. Immediately he's almost running, eyes sharp and alert, towards his voice. But he doesn't see him still, even though it's most certainly Jon's voice, until he almost runs smack into the history section wall. This makes no sense. It's not right and it's not...

It's not real. It's not real, is it? Of course. How could he be so stupid.

So he sits. He sits in a nearby chair, closes his eyes, and tries to listen for anything he can. If you come in to approach, you may also be able to hear the voice of a man, sounding as if he's speaking through a tape recorder of some kind.]

These Entities will follow us anywhere we go, but we have to stop them, no matter what. We run on time that is not ours, to a place not our own, but we have to succeed or risk everything. There is no going back. There is no. Going. Back.

iii. [the beach] we'll cry later or cry now / you know it's heartbreak

[It's quiet here. He's sitting cross-legged in the sand as the sun sets, the movement of the waves creating a fine mist that extends up past where the waves reach. It's still winter-- still cold-- but he doesn't seem bothered, even if you might be able to see his breath as he exhales. His eyes aren't closed, but he's barely even blinking as he looks out into the expanse, sitting unnaturally still. It's almost as if he isn't even there, even with no one else around. A fitting place for him. A fitting end, perhaps.

But he doesn't seem to be dying, or leaving, just... existing. He won't say anything unless addressed, or you come and sit next to him in the silence, where eventually he'll break it.]

Do you need something? From me.

iv. [wildcard] we could dance our tears away, emancipate ourselves

[Want something else with Martin on this? Hit me up via DM, Discord, or Plurk at cancerously and we can get plotting!]

Comments

[lowficharm]

[Martin seems tuned out of the world, almost out of everything when Eda shows up, and it's effort to get him back to even speak. It's effort he makes only because he knows he has to, because he knows the consequences of giving in to his vices, but not one he takes any joy in doing. But he listens, even finds it in himself to sigh a small amount in what might be a laugh when she speaks.]

Yeah. The bread.

[He's not quite looking at her, just sort of off into the water as the waves break on shore.]

It's not that different. Being here, I mean. On the seashore.

[edalyn]

[Eda's glad she got... almost a laugh, if nothing else.]

Okay, I've gotta ask. When you say that d'you mean there's actually some Entity nonsense going on, or are you just having a bad day?

[She keeps her tone somewhat lighthearted, but she's genuinely curious; in this place you never know. And she doesn't sound like she's laughing at him.]

[lowficharm]

[That's... kind of not what he expected her to say, and he tilts his head, even though he's still not looking at her.]

Uh... well. I don't think there's any Entity things right now. I just meant... y-you know, the fog and. Isolation, sort of. If that makes sense.

[There's a small pause, before he adds--]

Less, uhm. Less hot though.

[edalyn]

Bad day then, got it. But I see what you mean.

[The fog certainly brings something that reminds her of that space, and well, she was already feeling isolated herself. But if it's feeling similar to him in general, that might be cause for concern.]

Not being in an oven is definitely a step up though. [Or... sort of in an oven. Whatever, he knows what she means.]

[lowficharm]

[He's quiet a moment, considering her words.]

Not... bad, I guess. Lonely, though.

[For all his obvious discomfort, the scene around them seems almost to bend to match him, wearing the ocean's spray to fog like a well-worn coat. The mist hangs about his form, making him look more tired than he's been in a long time.]

Lost, certainly. That too.

[edalyn]

[She's also quiet a moment. She wants to help, but she's not really sure what to say.]

I... saw you were asking after someone on the network.

[It's not quite a question, more an opening if he decides to share more. Although she still wonders if it was nosier than she should be.]

[lowficharm]

[His face doesn't change too much, a little pull of the side of his mouth. Yeah, of course that's what this is about. But shouldn't it be? He has to push down the desire to feel disgust at himself for being so open, and force himself to talk.]

Yeah. It... I mean, he.

[An inhale, an exhale.]

I've never been without him before. Not in all this. Not in years.

[edalyn]

[It's possible she feels bad, but it gave her somewhere to start even if she'd have likely sat down either way.]

That... really sucks. [Look, she can't say it doesn't.]

How long have you two known each other? [She's not sure if talking about him will make it better or worse, but it's something.]

[lowficharm]

[To be fair, Martin's not sure if talking will make him feel better or worse either. But the fact of the matter is, not saying anything-- isolating himself to nothing-- is the worst option, one he knows from experience.]

I mean... a few years, I, I guess? It's... it's hard to think about how much time has actually passed.

[Especially since the apocalypse was ??? time ??? just about everywhere.]

It feels like forever. I... I was a totally different, uhm, p-person before him. I don't even really know how to think about it.

[edalyn]

Well... that's confusing. [She's confused, but she also means to be sympathetic that it sounds confusing, too.] But I guess this place is like that. [Of course, that might not be what he's talking about, but well, time is strange here so it might be a factor.]

That must be rough, though. I haven't known many people that long. [And by that she means more felt like a different person before and less the actual length of time.] I guess you've been through a lot together?

[lowficharm]

[Oh buddy, if you knew the kind of time dialation in the apocalypse, you'd think it confusing too. He lets his head dip just a bit, his hands finding each other as he runs his fingers over his own palm.]

Yeah, it-- it was a lot different, when we met. He was just my, my boss then, and-- he didn't even like me.

[Nobody liked him. Not even himself.]

But, you know, when it's-- when you're the only ones left after a while, it's... hard not to, uhm. Sort of realize everything is different.

[edalyn]

[The first part gets a little snort, if only because the biggest detail she's picked up on for certain is that that clearly changed at some point.]

Honestly? Being the 'only ones left' with someone who doesn't like you sounds like a nightmare. But I'm glad things worked out for you. [She suspects if it was her things would have just gotten worse, but you never know.]

[lowficharm]

[Oh it sure did! It's amazing what trauma can do to you.]

Heh, well, it-- it was complicated.

[It was so complicated. He sighs, shoulders dropping a bit more.]

It's... it's not good for me to be alone. And I haven't been for a long time, b-because of him. But now.... now he's gone.

[edalyn]

I'm not sure it's good for anyone.

[Which isn't meant to be dismissive. It's more that it's a lesson that she's had to come to accept, and that took more than a little time.]

But... are you? You must know other people here at least.

[She knows that isn't the same, but it might be important to remember. She's been doing her best to remember it herself, with Raine gone.]

[lowficharm]

[It's so tempting to refute her immediately. Is it? Wouldn't it be better, deserved for someone like him to suffer alone after all he's done? Isn't it good for the world? Better for everyone?

But he doesn't. That wasn't the question, he reminds himself. That wasn't the conversation. He takes a breath, trying to steady himself back.]

I mean, not-- not literally. There's a lot of people here. I... I have friends. People who like me, I think.

[That's as much doubt as he can let creep in, by convincing himself it's for her sake. After all, he doesn't really know her- one act of kindness isn't a friendship, and he doesn't want to assume that for her.]

It's still easy to be lonely with people around, though. Feeling like they don't see you, or-- or don't understand.

[edalyn]

Yeah, I know.

[She can't argue the point, and she's not sure she'd want to. It's both true and familiar, even if she's not happy about it. Not that she could argue with it being his experience either way.]

But it's better than nothing sometimes. [And sometimes 'better than nothing' is what they've got.]

[lowficharm]

[He nods. He knows all about making those kind of concessions.]

I know. It's... something, at least. I mean, it-- we're all just trying our best, you know? Just to make it.

[edalyn]

We sure are. I may not like this place... [And here it's entirely clear if she means the Human Realm, or this Human Realm, or the ADI, or all of the above.]

But I'm pretty sure it's better than trying to go it alone. [Or at least, that's what she keeps telling herself.]

[lowficharm]

It is.

[He's learned that, kind of by force. Or rather-- it's something he always knew, but didn't always believe he deserved. But if others deserve it, if he's trying to save everyone, that must include himself. He has to be there for others. So he must get them, too.]

It's the connection that makes us different from the Entities. It-- It's our biggest strength against them.

[edalyn]

Is it? I can't say I've ever stopped to ask if the cosmic horrors have friends.

[This is partly flippant, but... well, she's not actually if that is what makes them different, at least not that it's the one specific thing or anything.]

[lowficharm]

I mean-- they can't.

[He knows this to be true, if only because he did this kind of research when he was alone in the Archive. Thankfully, he doesn't have to say as much.]

They're... they're fear incarnate. You can't be... there's no room for friendship when you are only fear. So the fact we can team up, have real bonds to stop us from being afraid, it-- it can stop them. Like... er, well. Like I did for you. In the bakery.

[Right, he did that, even though he was so afraid. It's nice to think he saved someone, despite it all. He did something with his time here. It mattered.]

[edalyn]

Sometimes I think that's all they they are. Or... maybe even less than that. [Depending on how much people read in despite the lack of any intent.] But sometimes I think we're missing something.

[And unfortunately, she's not sure if there's really a way to prove it one way or the other. Or at least she doesn't think they're really near figuring out how.]

But you're right, that worked pretty well. [It might be the reason she's still here, in a general sense. It's definitely the reason she's talking to him, either way.]

[lowficharm]

[At another time, he'd be much more willing to debate this, even if he was never very good at the theory of it all. But right now he just doesn't have the heart for it all, so he simply shrugs.]

I dunno. Maybe.

[He lets his gaze rest again out towards the edge of the ocean.]

I'm glad it worked then though. For-- for you, I mean. I'm glad I could help when you needed it.

[edalyn]

Yeah, I'm... not sure if I would have made it out of there.

[Which she doesn't really like admitting, but at the same time, it's true, and it might be good for him to hear he did in fact make a difference.]

Probably not in time to find the bread guy, anyway.

[lowficharm]

Oh, right.

[Right, she had helped to find that guy. How about that. Maybe he helped more then. Maybe.]

Well... I'm also glad you did that, too. So.

[That's?? Good??]