LOG - July Catch-All/TDM Prompts (OPEN)

[conning]

Who: Neal and VARIOUS PEOPLE, POSSIBLY INCLUDING YOU?
When: Throughout July
Where: All around Gloucester
Summary: TDM prompts, as well as some other stuff, will get more specific as I write them.
Warnings: Nothing big at the moment tho lord knows that's bound to change. Scopophobia, paranoia, the issues mentioned in the TDM prompts.

Comments

[abrightboy]

Malcolm tilts his head, trying to parse that around Neal's distaste for the idea, when it occurs to him that he hasn't walked to the sofa; he's been led there.

Why would Neal shepherd him out of the kitchen? Think. File. On the counter. Wasn't there before.

"Are their theories in the file?" he asks, turning to look around Neal's shoulder towards the kitchen.

[conning]

Neal's discomfort dials up from a five to around a nine, though he does put some small amount of effort into hiding it. "Yeah."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm gestures towards it.

"Can... I take a look?" he asks.

[conning]

Neal sighs, then nods, letting Malcolm go to retrieve it if he wants to. His last protest is not going to get it himself.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm pauses, studies his face in that way that seems like he's looking into your brain.

"But you don't want me to; you just don't want to tell me no." He tilts his head. "Why not? It's not about rejecting it, unless you think I'll believe it, but even that isn't enough. You think it will make me think less of you? Oh. Well. I don't think it can. Any of the things that would just... aren't you."

cw for.... idek what you'd call it. COGNITIVE BIGOTRY? NEURODIVERGENT DENIAL?

[conning]

Neal leans away a fraction in surprise. You'd think by now he'd be used to it, Malcolm's ability to do that thing he does where he just... looks at a person and spells their own thoughts out.

He doesn't want to tell Malcolm no. He doesn't want to think about why he doesn't want to tell Malcolm no, but mercifully that realization doesn't linger for long because Malcolm keeps going.

Does he think it will make Malcolm think less of him? He's not sure, which--probably--means that he does think that. Not only Malcolm, either. Neal frowns and looks away.

"I don't have a learning disability," he says softly, tone stubborn. "I'm not developmentally disordered."

[abrightboy]

"There are lots of disorders," Malcolm tells him. "Lots of them aren't bad. Lots of them provide impediments to every day tasks but a boost to other things. Like creativity," Malcolm reasons. "Or recall. What do they think it is?"

[conning]

When Malcolm out-and-out asks him that way, Neal can't sidestep. Well, he could. But he doubts it would get him far, and he's not as inclined to dance when it won't help as he used to be.

"ADHD," he says, his tone hovering near that Wal-Mart aversion again. "Which isn't even possible, is it? That's a kids thing."

[abrightboy]

"I'm not an expert in it, but I've covered it. It looks different in kids than in adults, but it doesn't go away. In fact, if I remember correctly, it's being diagnosed in adulthood more as it becomes better understood," Malcolm muses. "Did they tell you why they think that?"

[conning]

See Neal's discomfort ratchet up to eleven.

"Some of the things I said about..." He trails off a moment, realizing with trepidation that he hasn't said much about when he was a kid to Malcolm. He didn't say much about it even to the therapist, only what he couldn't dance his way around, but still. He can focus on the things related to his adult life. "About impulsivity. Well, they called it impulsivity. About interrupting people, the way I never really stayed in one place in my twenties, the way I have trouble sitting still. The way I get distracted sometimes when someone is talking. I'm just thinking."

The last statement is defensive.

His lips pinch into that irritated expression again. "She asked me if I'm frequently late. I'm not. I'm never late. And I don't have trouble relaxing. I can relax. And I'm not messy. You know I'm not."

[abrightboy]

"ADHD doesn't preclude compulsive behaviors," Malcolm tells him. "In fact, compulsive behaviors can be a coping mechanism in undiagnosed neurodiversity."

[conning]

"I'm not--" He starts to protest the idea of him being compulsive, too, but stops himself, resorting to scowling into the middle-distance.

"It doesn't have anything to do with why I went there," he says, sullen now.

[abrightboy]

"But treatment can be a game changer; you don't want to know how your brain works and how to make it work for you instead of against you?" Malcolm asks. He pauses, then watches Neal's face. "Are you resistant because you feel other people will look down on you for being neurodivergent or because you look down on neurodiversity?"

[conning]

Neal stares at Malcolm, taken aback. "I don't look down on--I didn't even know that was a term."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm gives him a look.

"You understand the concept of developmental disorders and mental illnesses," he chides. You don't get to deflect with semantics, his tone says.

[conning]

His posture stiffens. Neal doesn't like being scolded. He never has, least of all when he doesn't have a solid grasp of his own thoughts on something. It makes him feel like a child, and he hates that feeling. "I'm not-- I don't--"

He's not a misfit, a weirdo, someone who has trouble with people. He's not... eccentric. He's not Mozzie.

With a an uncomfortable jolt, Neal realizes Malcolm is right twice over. He doesn't want to be neurodivergent. He doesn't want people to think of him that way. Because he thinks of it a very specific way himself.

[abrightboy]

"You don't want to be a freak?" Malcolm suggests bluntly.

[conning]

"I never said that," Neal says, a mix of defensive and provoked. He feels like he's on the witness stand at a trial he doesn't have a hope of winning, but he's not sure what the associated sentence is, either. "I wouldn't say that."

[abrightboy]

"I don't want to be a freak either," Malcolm tells him with a shrug. "But you don't get to hide from it when you hallucinate in public."

[conning]

Neal gets abruptly to his feet. "You're not a freak."

[abrightboy]

"I'm on the autism spectrum," Malcolm tells him. "I have an intensity of mental illness that would be debilitating unmedicated. I'm literally crazy. If I'm not a freak, who is?"

[conning]

Neal blinks in surprise. The latter part isn't news. The first part is. He's not sure why. Either way, it doesn't matter.

"You're not. That's completely different."

[abrightboy]

"How is it different?" Malcolm presses. "Why do you have to be perfect but it's okay if I'm messy?"

[conning]

He hasn't studied this script. He doesn't know what to say here. He doesn't know what Malcolm wants him to say, and the anger and anxiety around that fact are starting to show. Well, starting to show more. "I don't have to be perfect. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not."

God, does he know it.

[abrightboy]

"You know you're not, but you think that's a moral failing. You still think you should be," Malcolm tells him. "That's why the question offends you so much."