LOG - July Catch-All/TDM Prompts (OPEN)

[conning]

Who: Neal and VARIOUS PEOPLE, POSSIBLY INCLUDING YOU?
When: Throughout July
Where: All around Gloucester
Summary: TDM prompts, as well as some other stuff, will get more specific as I write them.
Warnings: Nothing big at the moment tho lord knows that's bound to change. Scopophobia, paranoia, the issues mentioned in the TDM prompts.

Comments

[abrightboy]

"But treatment can be a game changer; you don't want to know how your brain works and how to make it work for you instead of against you?" Malcolm asks. He pauses, then watches Neal's face. "Are you resistant because you feel other people will look down on you for being neurodivergent or because you look down on neurodiversity?"

[conning]

Neal stares at Malcolm, taken aback. "I don't look down on--I didn't even know that was a term."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm gives him a look.

"You understand the concept of developmental disorders and mental illnesses," he chides. You don't get to deflect with semantics, his tone says.

[conning]

His posture stiffens. Neal doesn't like being scolded. He never has, least of all when he doesn't have a solid grasp of his own thoughts on something. It makes him feel like a child, and he hates that feeling. "I'm not-- I don't--"

He's not a misfit, a weirdo, someone who has trouble with people. He's not... eccentric. He's not Mozzie.

With a an uncomfortable jolt, Neal realizes Malcolm is right twice over. He doesn't want to be neurodivergent. He doesn't want people to think of him that way. Because he thinks of it a very specific way himself.

[abrightboy]

"You don't want to be a freak?" Malcolm suggests bluntly.

[conning]

"I never said that," Neal says, a mix of defensive and provoked. He feels like he's on the witness stand at a trial he doesn't have a hope of winning, but he's not sure what the associated sentence is, either. "I wouldn't say that."

[abrightboy]

"I don't want to be a freak either," Malcolm tells him with a shrug. "But you don't get to hide from it when you hallucinate in public."

[conning]

Neal gets abruptly to his feet. "You're not a freak."

[abrightboy]

"I'm on the autism spectrum," Malcolm tells him. "I have an intensity of mental illness that would be debilitating unmedicated. I'm literally crazy. If I'm not a freak, who is?"

[conning]

Neal blinks in surprise. The latter part isn't news. The first part is. He's not sure why. Either way, it doesn't matter.

"You're not. That's completely different."

[abrightboy]

"How is it different?" Malcolm presses. "Why do you have to be perfect but it's okay if I'm messy?"

[conning]

He hasn't studied this script. He doesn't know what to say here. He doesn't know what Malcolm wants him to say, and the anger and anxiety around that fact are starting to show. Well, starting to show more. "I don't have to be perfect. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not."

God, does he know it.

[abrightboy]

"You know you're not, but you think that's a moral failing. You still think you should be," Malcolm tells him. "That's why the question offends you so much."

[conning]

Neal takes a step back, as though to prove to himself he's not literally cornered. He has no idea what to say to that. What does Malcolm want him to say?

[abrightboy]

“What’s a mess supposed to think about themselves when you don’t want to get assessed for a disorder because it will make you like them?” Malcolm asks. “No matter how much you say ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that’. For other people.”

[conning]

That hurts. He's not sure why it hurts. But the feeling takes his breath away.

"I'm not trying to hurt you," he says, stumbling over the words a little. There's a flash of anger he can't pin to its source, either. "I didn't lie to you about liking who you are."

[abrightboy]

“I know you didn’t,” Malcolm tells him matter of factly. “As long as you don’t have to wear the mess, it can be quirky and cute.”

[conning]

"That's got nothing to--this isn't about you!" He raises his voice to say it, as much as he ever raises his voice, but the temper and intensity of it remind him all at once of Ade and the island and he backs down fast. Neal turns away, walking a few steps and dragging his hands through his hair.

[abrightboy]

“No, it’s not. It’s about you and whether you want to know yourself better or just run away from it to keep pretending,” Malcolm tells him. “My point remains that if you can accept me, you can accept you, if you want to. If you choose to. If you even have ADHD. They haven’t even done the assessment yet.”

[conning]

"I don't!" He turns back sharply, angrily, then catches himself again and looks away. "I don't want someone else deciding who I am. Deciding they know something about me because I tick some boxes. All right?"

Ah. So that's it. Or that's part of it, anyway.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks up skeptically.

"So... you've spent so much time crafting this identity that you can't accept any outside help in understanding yourself because more than you want to do that, you want to maintain the flawless facade you've built."

[conning]

Neal takes another step back, confused and angry and hurt and completely unsure of where half of those feelings are coming from.

"What do you want from me?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm shakes his head. "No. The question is 'what do you want from you?'"

[conning]

For one helpless moment Neal wants to hit Malcolm, and that thought is so repulsive that it unravels everything else. He squeezes his eyes shut, stomach pitching with disgust.

"I don't know," he finally manages. "I don't know. I just want to not feel like this. I went there because I wanted someone to fix this, not tell me something else was wrong."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm's expression softens.

"You're not a car, Neal. You can't just go to a specialist, have them throw up the hood and repair you. That's not how trauma works. You came here with layers of it already and everything that's happened ramps it up. If you have ADHD, that's another thing adding to the mix, and if you have it, it will inform how they treat your trauma, because a neurotypical brain will need a different sort of treatment than a neurodivergent one."