apocalypsehowcomm | [log] no matter what they tell you / the future's up for grabs, no

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[log] no matter what they tell you / the future's up for grabs, no

Who: Martin and you, possibly!
When: After his network post over the next day or two.
Where: The ADI apartments, the library, and the beach.
Summary: Jon has disappeared. Martin is not taking it well by any stretch of the word.
Warnings: Disassociation, codependency, depression, lots and lots of guilt, and maybe more as they come up.

i. [ADI apartments] nobody said the road was endless / nobody said the climb was friendless

[Jon is gone. Jon is not here and his phone is deactivated and Martin is running over every single detail of the day and the last time he saw him in his head. It was this morning, they were in bed, he's sure he saw him then and did he say I love you this morning? Did he forget? The mug Jon used for coffee is still in the sink, it can't have been that far, he can't have gone that far.

At first, he's just in the apartment after he makes the post, pacing around and looking for clues. He's checked every window for any kind of unknown entry, he's gone through every paper left behind on the small desk in their room, he's looked in every drawer for missing clothes or belongings or--

Even if you don't come calling to just check on him, he can be found around apartment block B, just... looking. It's uncanny how quiet he is in these moments, seeming to look at places on the floor, at windows, even in the stairwell, but he's in rapt attention until he's approached.]

Sorry, if-- don't mind me. Just looking for something, you can carry on, don't mean to block you--

[He almost sounds out of breath, for some reason. Strange.]

ii. [the library] but could we please pretend this won't end?

[He can't stay in the apartment for too long. Once he's searched ADI up and down, it's off to other places he thinks Jon might be. He's heard something's happening with the library recently- maybe Jon's investigating, it would be normal, it would be so normal to find him there and this could all be over so quickly.

In fact, as soon as he steps in, he hears him. It's faint, but the relief he feels is so sweet he almost feels like crying. Immediately he's almost running, eyes sharp and alert, towards his voice. But he doesn't see him still, even though it's most certainly Jon's voice, until he almost runs smack into the history section wall. This makes no sense. It's not right and it's not...

It's not real. It's not real, is it? Of course. How could he be so stupid.

So he sits. He sits in a nearby chair, closes his eyes, and tries to listen for anything he can. If you come in to approach, you may also be able to hear the voice of a man, sounding as if he's speaking through a tape recorder of some kind.]

These Entities will follow us anywhere we go, but we have to stop them, no matter what. We run on time that is not ours, to a place not our own, but we have to succeed or risk everything. There is no going back. There is no. Going. Back.

iii. [the beach] we'll cry later or cry now / you know it's heartbreak

[It's quiet here. He's sitting cross-legged in the sand as the sun sets, the movement of the waves creating a fine mist that extends up past where the waves reach. It's still winter-- still cold-- but he doesn't seem bothered, even if you might be able to see his breath as he exhales. His eyes aren't closed, but he's barely even blinking as he looks out into the expanse, sitting unnaturally still. It's almost as if he isn't even there, even with no one else around. A fitting place for him. A fitting end, perhaps.

But he doesn't seem to be dying, or leaving, just... existing. He won't say anything unless addressed, or you come and sit next to him in the silence, where eventually he'll break it.]

Do you need something? From me.

iv. [wildcard] we could dance our tears away, emancipate ourselves

[Want something else with Martin on this? Hit me up via DM, Discord, or Plurk at

cancerously and we can get plotting!]

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No! No, I mean, it-- you don't have to leave. Only, uhm, o-only if you want, that is.

[You have no idea how much he is no longer allowed to be the Alone Person, Steve.]

I don't think he's going to come home. Not, not on his own, I'm-- I'm worried he's been taken. By something, o-or, or someone.

[Or ADI, god forbid.]

[Truth be told, Steve kind of doesn't want to leave Martin alone.

Though he also doesn't like the sound of that.] Do you have any ideas, specifically?

[He's not accusing, like he doesn't believe Martin. He's genuinely asking, so they can start following up.

Maybe he can call Yelena.]

I mean, it, not... exactly.

[It's just paranoia based on the fact it's happened before, but that's even harder to explain.]

It just-- it wouldn't be the first time. And, and all his stuff's still here. It's not like he just went on a trip, not, not on purpose.

[Except they still don't know how people even disappear around here, when they do. For all he knows they're somewhere in the basement of ADI, and the thought makes him sick.]

I just want to know what happened.

[Steve nods. No, it's not like he went on a trip that he meant to go on.]

I know. I do, too.

[He lets out a breath, fists clenching for just a moment, because he wants to do something. Not just sit here and wait. And hope.

But he is doing something. He's staying with Martin, and they are going to wait. For tonight. Just in case.]

D'you want coffee or tea? [he finally asks. He's going to make something; they're likely going to be up a while, anyway.]

[It's a little hard for Martin to believe, for just a moment, that Steve really wants to help. Not because he's ever done anything wrong or otherwise untowards to them, it's just surprising sometimes to think of all the people who actually care about and support them here. For so long it was just the two of them, everyone else in their presence having something terrible befall their fate that was probably his fault. He should send Steve away. It would be safer.

He doesn't. He's selfish. And he needs this right now.]

Tea. Uhm, p-please.

[He doesn't say 'of course' even though it's like all he drinks. His blood is probably tea. It's fine.]

Maybe he'll just... come home. That would be nice, right? For him to just, just walk in the door.

Coming right up.

[Steve steps into the kitchen to fill the kettle and put it on the stove, but he's still listening. He can't help the sad smile that tugs at his lips, when Martin speaks.]

Maybe he will, [he agrees, softly. Maybe it's cruel, to get the guy's hopes up, but he can't bring himself to dash them. Not when he maybe hopes for the same thing. It would be nice, to have their roommate back safe and sound. Clearly he means a lot more to Martin, but Steve likes Jon. He wants to see him home safe.]

How long have you known each other?

[He figures there's no real point in trying to distract Martin. So keeping the subject on Jon seems all right. Just... inching it in a more positive direction.]

[Martin knows full well it's not going to happen. It's dumb to think otherwise. But the action of it, the practiced motion of trying to believe in kindness and something gentle is better than any of the alternatives. It's all he really has.

The question makes a small smile tug at his mouth, even if the time is almost difficult to track.]

Well, it... a c-couple of years, I suppose. But it... everything was different, before I met him. I feel like I was a completely different person. So much has happened since then.

I know the feeling, [he says, less to make it about him and more to show he does understand, he gets what Martin is saying.

He sets two mugs on the table, leans on the counter while he waits for the water to boil.]

Those are the best kinds of people. The ones who make the world a different place, for knowing them.

[They're also the hardest to lose, but he's not about to say that right now.

Instead he opts for a small,] He can take care of himself.

[He wears at his lip a moment before responding.]

He shouldn't have to. He-- He's done that too long.

[But he won't belabor that- after all, Steve is right, and he can. He doesn't need Martin to be his knight. Hell, Martin's the one who always needs saving.]

What do I do if he's really... gone, though? How... how do I live like that?

[Steve takes a slow breath: in, and out. He knows what it's like to ask yourself those kinds of questions. And he knows how unsatisfying the answers really are.]

You find a way, [he says, quietly.] You just... keep going.

[Which is a little hypocritical to say, he knows, given what he did. But the outcome ended up being the same.]

It's not easy, and it's not the same. But it's something.

We'll help. [All of Martin's other friends - Steve knows he has them. And he knows, like he said, it won't be the same. But it'll be something.]

[It is something. More than most something's he's ever had since the last time he lost Jon. It's not quite hope, but it's something he can cling to when there's nothing else available to him, when all he can make himself do is look for a way out. It's better than looking down. It's better than looking away.

He fidgets idly with his hands, picking as some dead skin around a fingernail.]

I guess... I-I guess so, I mean. I'm... sorry. To be doing all this.

[Causing problems, taking time, ect ect ect.]

You're very nice. For, for putting up with me like. Like this.

Martin.

[Steve's voice is quiet, but firm. He reaches out, takes Martin's forearm with one hand.]

This is not your fault. You're not doing anything wrong. You're worried about him. You miss him.

[This is tame, compared to what he could be doing, but Steve, perhaps wisely, does not point that out.]

I'm your friend. I mean, sure, I'm nice, [he offers a little lopsided grin,] but I'm doing this because you deserve to have someone stick this out with you.

We're not giving up on him yet. And no matter what, you're not alone, even if I'm not the person you want to be here.

[Martin looks at him, trying to resolve the emotional and logical parts of his brain. Of course Steve is a friend. Of course a friend would do this. But an overwhelming amount of life taught him love was transactional, and more than that, that he's digging out of a hole he was put in when he was born. Love is earned, not given. And sometimes you don't even do well enough to earn it.

But Steve is honest and gentle, and Martin has to remind himself of his own mantras, what he had to break himself from the last Lonely place he was stuck. I am Martin Blackwood. I am in love. And I am not alone.

All of that is still true.

He exhales, and forces himself into a tired grin back at Steve.]

You're-- You're right. Thank you. And-- it's not that I don't want you to be here. I'm glad I got to meet you.

[And that's all true, despite his own mind trying to twist it.]

[Steve offers Martin that same lopsided smile, if a bit softer still.]

Yeah, but I'm not your guy. I get that. [And he doesn't hold it against him. Right now, Martin is worried about Jon, and no one else is going to be that person he wants to see walk in the door.

He's not alone, but Steve understands what it's like not to have that person anymore. It's - horrible, and Martin is handling it like a champ.

The kettle starts whistling, and Steve jumps to get that handled.]

I'm glad to have met you both. Separately and together. You never made me feel like a third wheel, or like you didn't want me in your space.

[He wants to say something to reassure him, to tell Steve he's not bad for not being Jon or something like that, but it just sort of dies in his mouth. It's okay. Steve has already said he knows. He doesn't need to belabor this, and it's only going to feed more into his anxieties if he does. Thankfully, Steve gives him something else to talk about.]

Oh, I-- of course. I mean, you didn't ask to be here, or-- or be assigned here or anything, it would be quite rude if we did.

[Especially because they both had seperate gay crisises that Steve was so attractive he'd steal away the other, and that kept them busy for a while.]

I hope it wasn't too weird. When, when you got here I mean. You, uhm, you were unexpected but-- but not bad, you know?

[Steve smiles softly at that, even as he pours them each a steaming mug of tea and brings them back over to the table to set one down for Martin.]

I do have a lot of experience with roommates, [he admits.] It wasn't weird. I mean - no weirder than it ever is, coming into a place where people are already established.

[A pause.] And no weirder than a lot of things I've dealt with. Even before I got here, life was never boring. For me or for you, huh?

[He knows it's just dumb small talk, but hopefully it's keeping Martin from spiraling too much.]

[He tries to keep the smile on him, quieter and calmer than before as he reaches forward and takes the mug of tea with two hands. The warmth feels nice. He really does forget how cold the Lonely makes him feel, and it comes as a realization that he had forgotten. It's nice that he did, though. That he could.]

Oh, oh no not-- not boring, certainly. I mean, it... it is as it always is, I suppose. Everything just keeps happening. There's-- time in the middle, but not much. Mostly just more and more things.

[He's quiet, a moment, as he ponders this.]

Steve, I... I don't think I ever asked, actually, what-- what was your home like?

[Steve lets out a little laugh, if only because,] That's a good way of putting it. 'Just more and more things.'

[It sounds pretty much exactly right, as far as he's concerned.

At the question, though, his expression goes wry. Maybe a little sad, but honestly, only a little.] It was - kind of crazy. Felt a little like we could never catch a break, but maybe that's always how the world is, no matter which one you're in. We had, uh. The usual? Wars and politics and all that.

And there were aliens - some good, some bad. Some really bad. One wiped out half the universe for a couple years. That was... tough.

We got them back, but - I ended up here not long after.

[His first instinct is to laugh, which he tamps down immediately, because while what Steve said is absolutely not normal he has the feeling this is something the other man already knows. Not that Martin's life would seem much stranger if he were honest about it.]

I-- I think you've certainly seen more things than me if you can just casually say you know aliens are real. And the universe destroyed and all that. Me, I-- my most exciting story from back home was maybe the worms that got into the library once.

[Nevermind that they were Spooky Worms and it was a whole thing. Anyway.]

Thank you. For, uhm-- for all this. It's nice. Makes this place feel less... less lonely, you know?

Well... I've just seen different things, I guess, [Steve says, tilting his head with a little, lopsided smile. Even if Martin's life didn't involve aliens, that doesn't mean it wasn't important or crazy in its own ways.

After all,] I think at this point, all of us could do with something more along the lines of worms in the library. Though that doesn't sound like a picnic, either. I like books.

[But, you know, all that aside:] Hey, I'm glad if it helps, even a little.

[He lets out a slow breath.] Being alone in a place that's not home is... it's tough, you know? The best thing we can do is stick together.

[Man, he's cool. Why is this guy so cool and why does he care about Martin at all? People this cool should not give a shit about him, it feels odd. But... it also reminds him of Tim, once upon a time. Back when things were fun. Back when it was normal.

It does make him smile just a bit, though. It's a tether. It's something.]

Yeah. I-- I agree. And... hopefully Jon comes home and we're all properly together again. Hopefully.

[It won't happen. But just for tonight, he can pretend it might. Just for tonight, he can sit here with Steve and believe.]

[He's not that cool, and even if he is? He wasn't always, and it sucks when no one gives a shit about you. No one deserves that.]

Yeah, [he says softly, reaching out and gently clinking his mug against Martin's in a toast, like that will make it come true. Can't hurt, right? The guy needs hope right now, and Steve... maybe wants to hope for the best, too.] Yeah, exactly.

[And for now... they'll just sit and talk and drink their tea and hope.]

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[log] no matter what they tell you / the future's up for grabs, no

thank u for your patience <3

<333

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probs about wrapped?

yes! sounds good to me~