[ closed ]

[earthshine]

Who: shiro + keith
When: perm log for these idiots
Where: all over
Summary: say, say o playmate from the august tdm. the butcher's camp from the september tdm. quarter pounder from the september event. keith's birthday. hermy the wormy from the december tdm. in the hive from the december event.new year, new you from the january tdm. end of january, references january event.
Warnings:
say, o say o playmate: hallucination, blood, ritualistic sacrifice, claustrophobia.
the butcher's camp: animal death, animal mutilation, both human and animal butchery, implied cannibalism, stripping ( nsfw ).
quarter pounder: blood, animal attack, consumption of human flesh, violence, gore, body horror, potential for severe injury, including puncture wounds and broken bones, potential for choking, potential for animal death.
keith's birthday: boys being stupid.
hermy the wormy: worms, decay, altered mental states/compulsion, emotional corruption, potential for violence, body mutilation, attempted murder.
in the hive: insects/swarms, bites, vomiting, body horror, death ( npcs ), mental and physical trauma
new year, new you: self-doubt, body dysmorphia trauma, cringe talk about sex safety, hook-up culture, body modification ( steroid and synthol oil use ), mention of drug use
end of january: implied animal death, self-doubt, body image issues, body dysmorphia, self-harm, body mutilation, skin burning, drug use mention ( tren steroid ), implied extreme dieting ( starvation & dehydration ), nsfw ( heavy petting and nudity ). reference to shiro's scars.

Comments

[earthshine]

[ it’s a toss up of who the bigger idiot is here. shiro, deep down knowing that in no reality would keith stand by and watch him hurt himself but foolishly activating his galra arm anyway? or keith, who reacts by grabbing shiro, not at his left arm or his torso or even his right shoulder, but instead, directly where his arm burns hottest? movement is hard to track in the splintered mirror; everything happens so fast and shiro is distracted see,. sensation is a foreign concept when it comes to his right arm. technically, he doesn’t feel anything; it’s the receptors embedded in the tech that feed his brain with a ping that something is there. reflex is slower and here those fractions of a moment matter.

a grasp, a ping, and then action that leads to overreaction, as he takes every available option at once, as though it’ll somehow undo the damage. he deactivates his arm. jerks it away too. but there’s one other failsafe that kicks in before that. there’s no conscious effort to the flicker and fade of his arm as it becomes intangible in keith’s grip. one beat and then there’s the jerk, his arm becoming solid so quickly that even shiro is stuck wondering if that actually happened or if high-strung emotion has him imagining it.

he’s been trying so hard not to think about it. it hasn’t happened since the incident, so he thought… he hoped…

he shelves it for the time being and rounds on keith, face contorted in a look of fury. ]

Dammit, Keith! What were you thinking?

[ worried, scared, ashamed, he’s all of that. unfortunately, it’s easier to let such emotions bleed into anger. right hand hanging uselessly at his side, he makes a conscious effort to keep it away from keith as he reaches with his left, wanting to get a look at that singed hand. ]

You can’t just touch this – thing.

[marmoron]

[ the skin on his left palm bubbles and blisters immediately as heat scorches for the scant few seconds his hand makes contact with metal. the need to scream doesn't go away, adrenaline now flooding his arteries. molars clenched, keith grinds his teeth breathing hard in some futile attempt to keep himself from whimpering.

but the impossible happens as fingers suddenly grab at nothing and shiro recoils as though keith had never trapped him in the first place. slipped away. gone. too late.

there's significance here greater than keith's immediate anguish, but he isn't given the time to process it. shiro rounds on him in the next beat, and keith takes a reflexive step back. his hand continues to burn like it's still dipped in battery acid. keith isn't thinking clearly -- far from it, but for whatever reason pains whited out the cacophony from earlier that kept him rooted in place, unable to speak. ]

I was thinking -- [ fuck, that's a lie if there ever were one. he wasn't thinking at all, just terrified and reaching out blindly all consequences be damned because... because ] -- I love you! I fucking love you more than anything, you dumbass!

[ breath hitching, keith blinks back the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes and pulls together every fragile nerve and unraveling fiber to unflinchingly glare back at shiro. he's tired. so tired of being misunderstood, not being heard, dismissed, pushed aside, told to go away. keith allows shiro to take his burned hand, but he steps forward into the grab and pins shiro's back to the shower door. ]

You're beautiful. Inside and out. You always have been. Always will be to me. I don't care what you say -- I won't just stand here while you hurt yourself.

[ reaching up with his good hand, keith grabs shiro's chin, and tiptoes up to press their foreheads together. ]

I'll say it until I lose my voice if I have to. I love you. I want you. All of you.

[earthshine]

[ the intensity of keith’s words knock the breath out of shiro’s lungs. one moment he’s seething, gaze centered on the blistering red of keith’s fingers and the next, his lungs empty on a whoosh, surprise loosening his expression for a hard blink up to keith’s face. there’s no hiding it: shiro genuinely does not expect to hear those words. you dumbass, doesn’t even get a rise out of him. he merely stares, caught up in the reflex of stepping backward as keith steps forward. his back touches glass and distantly he thinks you’re cornered again, but unlike before, he can’t gain traction on his anger. he has keith’s burnt hand carefully held in his and keith pinching his chin.

and then everything is blocked out entirely. his world narrows down to two eyes staring into his, the frame of keith’s hair blacking out anything on the peripheral. helplessly, shiro’s heart gives a sharp pang, everything absolutely aching from the skin of his chest, right down to the inner contents. keith’s got gorgeous eyes. even narrowed in defiance and shiny with the beginnings of tears, he’s magnetic and just as it has been since that day in the junior high courtyard, shiro gets wrapped up and pulled in, so easily swayed into giving this boy every bit of his attention. he’s not just cornered, he’s caught; the amendment comes and goes without much reaction, and shiro silently tries to organize his thoughts around everything keith’s said.

you’re beautiful. i love you. i want you. all of you.

his brain can’t process it all. he keeps getting stuck. nonsensical, that’s what all of this is. it can’t be true. it isn’t true. the bit of peace keith's managed to stabilize shiro’s emotions with begins to crumble away. confusion furrows shiro’s brow underneath the press of keith’s, mouth shifting slightly on the beginnings of words that don’t formulate. inevitably, the protest comes. ]

But – [ soft, yet punctuated, his voice cuts off for a half-beat and then starts up again. ] I’m – so far beyond… [ redemption? acceptance? deserving? look at the scars, look at the arm, look at the disproportional set of his body – fuck, just smell the utter failure. burnt flesh is saturating the room. that’s not just me, comes to him and it makes him hate himself more. he did that. he made it possible for keith to hurt himself. caring about shiro leads to pain, doesn’t keith get that? how many more times does shiro need to hurt him before he realizes that?

so perhaps he can find a shred of his frustration again. having paused only long enough to wrinkle his expression into a frown and pull his head back, knocking the back of his skull to the glass, shiro spits out: ]

I’m broken. You can’t tell me you don’t see that.

[marmoron]

heart pounding , keith doesn't look away, barely even blinks as shiro stares back at him. the confusion makes him a chest ache, but as his best friend starts trying to regain the space between them, keith feels deflated. there aren't any hard shoves, no angry words, but shiro still wants space.

keith should... oblige. probably. release shiro's face and take a step back. let them both breathe and get their bearings back. but he doesn't know what will happen if he does. it feels like an eternity since he's had shiro in front of him, actually dealing with him rather than looking past him for the nearest exit.

i'm broken hits low in his gut though and whatever ability keith had left in him to hold onto a demanding rage turns to ash on his tongue. the prickling is back at the corner of his eyes, and keith grits his teeth, verly reluctantly letting go of shiro's chin to close his eyes and take a deep breath.

broken. before tonight that would have been unthinkable. shiro's been through hell and back, but he's made it out. strong, inspiring -- their leader in every way. but what other word is there to describe a guy burning himself alone in the bathroom?

keith sniffs, hating the sound, hating the way the bathroom tiles make every noise echo. this isn't shiro -- for fuck's sake, it can't be shiro. some residual influence from having gone to the warehouse this month, maybe? or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

keith doesn't answer for a long moment, and instead gives in to the heavy weight of his head as he leans in to press his forehead against shiro's collarbone. he inhales deeply, filling his nose with the smell of shiro and the burn and: ]

When I look at you... I only see you, Shiro. You're not broken. YOu're just having a hard time. [ he wrinkles his brow slightly, then presses a soft kiss to the hollow of his throat. ]

Please just .. let me help you.

[earthshine]

[ shiro keeps disappointing keith. the sniff rings loud and that pathetic attempt of putting distance between them is nothing to shield him from tear pricked eyes. shiro’s a mess. this isn’t a new development. shiro hasn’t felt right since kerberos but for what he’s lacked in mental stability and self-acceptance, he’s made up for in stubbornness. before, keeping it together for the sake of the team had been all the motivation he’d needed to shelve his problems and flick figurative middle fingers to the universe for trying to pull him down. preventing anyone from seeing him as anything less than strong had become the driving force to live his life by. he’d slipped up a few times but by the end of a training session or a battle, his shameful performance never seemed to jar anyone enough into approaching him.

just as well, shiro would have brushed them off anyway.

keith leans into him then and while listening to those pleading devotions with lingering disbelief, shiro wonders what's changed in him. he isn’t pushing keith away. he isn’t hiding – not wholly. at first, he’d tried to, but breaking through the barrier had been, arguably, quite easy. is shiro so beaten down at this point that he can’t even maintain the façade he’s carried for so long? when did he become so fucking weak?

there’s a kiss at his throat now and shiro thinks he knows. the black paladin, defender of the universe, survivor of unspeakable torture, finally falls apart over unreciprocated somethings and a rejection wrought by his own neglect and cowardice. pathetic. he’s supposed to be too old for teenage dramatics. – though, has he actually missed his chance? keith’s alluded to everything going well with his perfect specimen jules. if that’s true however, then why is keith kissing him?

god, he’s so tired of this. stained and muddled, his brain putters out on circling thoughts and he goes back to the first concern: how to play this? push away or draw closer? he sighs out on a slight shift of his head that grazes his chin against keith’s tucked head and then does neither: ]

How?

[ quiet and barely anything at all, it's shiro on the fence. not a no, not an okay, it's a slight opening of the door and a chance to be convinced that there’s a way to help him heal beyond running water and bandages. ]

[marmoron]

[ how. the question is lead weight in keith's head. is it pathetic or funny that the question stumps him completely? he's been responsible for more -- bigger things in his life, like the fate of the universe, but the scope of that had been so unimaginably vast that the pressure had never collapsed around him.

shiro is a tiny speck in comparison to the number of people he's expected to help liberate from the galra, but shiro is right here, standing in front of him and suffering. keith doesn't know how to make it stop, never thought he'd have to be the one giving pep talks and motivational speeches.

... no. no, that's wrong. pep talks and motivational speeches are just a series of pretty words about perseverance, tenacity and endurance. keith's never been good at pretty words and for that matter, shiro deserves more than just clichés. lips still pressed to shiro's skin, keith takes another deep breath before pulling away but only enough to look his best friend in the eye. ]

I don't know how. [ he admits with a weak, shaky laugh. [ I don't know how to make you see yourself the way I see you. But I'll never give up on trying.

[ he looks away briefly, a wan smile on his lips as he reaches to take shiro's hand in his unburned one to interlace their fingers. ]

Come on. Let's get out of the bathroom. I'll take care of you.

[earthshine]

[ it’s a lie to say he isn’t disappointed. there are no magic words or grand gestures to miraculously undo three weeks of self-destruction on top of years of neglect. he gets an i don’t know and hates how his stomach drops. it’s easy to believe in keith; he’s awe-inspiring in his tenacity to circumvent shitty odds and pull through. so maybe, for a tick there, shiro had thought, had hoped that keith would quirk one of those mischievous grins shiro adores so much and know, say, do something that would snap shiro’s world back on its axis, so life would feel right again. but just as keith, shiro can’t say what that something is and so, shiro keeps spinning out of rhythm, still feeling ill-prepared to face anything beyond the hell he’s created for himself in this bathroom. it helps though, that he doesn’t have to walk out of here alone.

keith takes his hand and fits their fingers alongside, gently tugging him into motion. to shiro’s credit, he doesn’t resist. the fight in him remains buried under the exhaustion now clinging to his psyche. he makes a soft noise and curls his fingers in a loose hold, but otherwise says nothing in response as he pads along behind as keith leads.

from the bathroom to his bedroom to the hall… it’s a lucky thing that adi has yet to fill the third bedroom. he’s been hyper aware of being nearly naked since keith first walked in, but turning the corner of the hall and stepping into the kitchen, with it’s bright overhead lights, only sobers his awareness of just how much bare skin is on display. he feels sick. glancing down at keith’s hand and getting sidetracked by the mess of his pec does little to help that feeling.

he wriggles his hand out of keith’s grip and ducks his head, stride never breaking as he breezes by to the span of counter near the sink. turning, he leans his back to the counter’s edge, looking awkward and out of depth again. all this talk of taking care of shiro… but what about keith? ]

How’s your hand?

[ it’s a bit abrupt but genuine in its care. though, after it’s out, shiro can’t decide if the silence had been better or worse. ]

[marmoron]

[ leaving the bathroom helps. out in the kitchen, the singed smell is gone as are the disorienting cracks in the mirror and the counter, too, is free that suspicious bottle and syringe that keith is going to have clean up for shiro later. the change in atmosphere doesn't fix everything though and the sick feeling that's settled at the pit of his stomach doesn't lift entirely. shiro pulls his hand away by the time they get to the counter and it takes all the restraint in keith's body not o clamp his finger tighter.

he takes one breath, pausing to look over his shoulder to check that shiro isn't going anywhere before turning to open the freezer. ]

Stings.

[ an understatement. keith hasn't actually even bothered to take a proper look at it, despite knowing the burn is nowhere near as bad as the one on shiro's chest. he removes the tray of ice cubes, giving it a firm rap against the ounter to dislodge some of the pieces. next, several pieces of kitchen towel are ripped off and as keith bundles up several cubes in paper, he frowns. ]

It's not as bad as before. [ a beat, then added hastily: ] You know. When I got blasted by a druid. [ keith trails off abrutply, suddenly unable to look shiro in the eye. not like he ever mentioned anything about that time he went off to steal a sample of quintessence while shiro and allura went on their little recon mission. he thrusts the ice onto shiro's chest though, hoping to gloss over that with another subject change. ]

How's your wound?

[earthshine]

[ there is a ninety-seven percent chance keith is downplaying the pain for shiro’s benefit. scratch that; there is a one-hundred percent chance keith is downplaying the pain for shiro’s benefit. heh. guess keith’s i’ll take care of you extends from physical care to shielding him from further guilt. despite keith’s best efforts, shiro feels it anyway. guilt. especially when there’s a one-two punch of words that follow. not as bad as before? grimace. ah yes, when shiro dipped inside him and tore tendons? oh – no? blasted by a druid? ah. when did that happen?

shiro isn’t allowed the chance to wallow in his oversight, perhaps even his neglect for not following up with keith to get the full report on whatever skirmish landed keith opposite one of those things. no. the moments are slipping by too quickly for that. his mouth opens for the obvious ask, only to promptly snap shut so fast his teeth click. his breath stutters with his wince, but otherwise, he miraculously remains silent. he appreciates the ice, truly he does…

but the scorched skin is blistered and sore and tender. the abrupt pressure is simply… a lot. briefly, his eyes flicker closed. one, two, three and – there, he reopens and shifts, grasping keith’s hand by the wrist and pulling back, slightly, to ease up on the press. he muscles into a smile, albeit a partly strained one. ]

A little worse than stings.

[ despite all of this, there’s humor in his voice. though perhaps that isn’t surprising: shiro has a habit of delighting in grim flippancy. fingers curled, he gently presses the pad of his index into the bone protuberance of that caught wrist. another beat and then that smile slips, his voice going quiet. ]

When’d you cross paths with a druid?

[marmoron]

[ .... keith and his big mouth. he winces, further easing up on the pressure on shiro's chest with an apologetic look. ]

Sorry. I didn't mean to make it worse.

[ obviously, but it feels necessary to say. beyond physically in this one instance, keith doesn't want to make anything worse with careless words. just his luck that he's not great with them to begin with. keith sighs, gingerly transferring the ice to his burned hand to be a little more efficient. gasping from the cold, keith exhales a little slowly. ]

It's... [ not a big deal, he wants to say. the focus is on shiro, after all. but then it'd been the druids who'd hurt shiro as well, hadn't it? keith furrows his brow, then taps gently on the counter in wordless suggestion for shiro to sit. ]

It was back when you and the princess snuck aboard that cargo ship. While you guys went looking for intel, I uh.. kinda went off on my own to figure out what they were loading. I found the central area where they were refining some liquid. I wanted to know what it was, so I grabbed one of the vials. The druid didn't like that.

[ keith laughs a little sheepishly. ]

Anyway, it was okay. My hand got pretty banged up, but somehow touching the liquid inside the vials healed it up? Quintessence is powerful stuff, I guess. [ a beat. ] Obviously it's not like this was a secret or anything. Just... [ when time came to retrieve shiro, the princess was gone and that was the only thing on anyone's mind. keith frowns -- what the hell had he just been thinking to himself? not wanting to make shit worse? yeah. great job he's doing here. after shiro re-settles onto the counter, keith gently presses the ice back onto shiro's chest and continues. ]

.... Anyway. I guess it was scary at the time. Fighting them one on one like that, I mean. [ a beat, then very carefully almost in hushed tones: ] ...Did you ever have to fight one? While you were.....?

[ captive, but keith doesn't say it. if shiro wants to interpret it a different way, he's free to. ]

[earthshine]

[ he didn’t make it worse. but arguing the point runs the risk of them circling around an apology that is more important for keith to say than for shiro to hear, and right now, shiro is too stretched thin to entertain such a go around. it’s a big factor in why he’s so cooperative. keith taps the counter and shiro doesn’t pause long enough to consider a second option. keith said he’d take care of him and shiro’s followed his lead this far, why not keep it going? so he does just that. a small hop and pull of his hands has him swinging his weight up and back, butt settling down on the countertop with a plop. and with that, keith sets into his story.

shiro doesn’t interrupt, not even with soft sounds of understanding. he’s silent, at least when it comes to voice. his expression deviates from neutrality fairly quickly.

went off on my own; right off the bat, that’s the tipping point. idiot, comes the silent admonishment, though it’s not directed solely at keith. shiro shares some of that. that whole plan went to hell fairly quickly. losing the princess had been bad enough, but if he’d lost keith too… fuck, he didn’t even realize how close it might’ve been. again, there’s a very good chance that keith is downplaying in order to protect shiro from the harsh reality and immediately, as soon as he thinks that, he’s rubbed the wrong way. how dare keith deviate from the plan and go off on his own. shiro left him with pidge, lance, hunk, couldn’t keith bring one of them as backup. better yet, couldn’t he have stayed in that control room rather than jeopardizing himself, as well as everyone else by engaging with a druid of all things. doesn’t keith realize how dangerous those things are?

no, comes to him suddenly. he probably didn’t. why? because shiro doesn’t talk about anything. idiot, but this time the scales are tipped and the insult is mostly for himself. the tight pull of his features lessens and while the frown takes time to leave him entirely, it softens into a look more pensive than annoyed as keith finishes up. he’s still half-debating a lecture that will likely be redundant and lead to nothing good, but ice is back to his wound and keith abruptly flips the discussion around with a question. it stumbles shiro’s thoughts. caught off guard as he is, he loses sight of that urge to barrage keith.

does he want to fight keith in other ways? tell him to back off? that shiro doesn’t want to talk about it?

for a moment, it seems like he might. the unfinished question hangs between them and shiro stares down at keith, unblinking and almost blank in his expression. he hates digging into his memory to remember any of that time – because yes, of course, shiro reads that question just fine and knows what it is keith is seeking. before, shiro had been hellbent on maintaining a certain perception with his team, keith included, but now… he can’t get much lower than this, can he? besides, wasn’t he just condemning himself for not speaking up and thus, indirectly influencing keith to act irrationally?

exhausted, shiro sighs and drops eye contact. ]

No. Might not’ve come out of that fight intact. [ he'd faced different threats of various degrees in the arena. in the beginning, his death was expected and fully desired, but somewhere along the bloodshed and surprise victories, he’d gained enough traction with the crowd’s favor that destroying him seemed to take a backseat to the push of building him into something bigger, stronger, more terrible than himself. sometimes shiro wonders if it might’ve been better if … – no.

he glances down at his galra arm, the foreignness of it still fresh despite all these months and months. ]

… But I guess they would’ve taken care of that anyway. [ it’s easy to give into the morbid smile then; to even laugh low and hollow. ]

Too bad their interest in body modification doesn't include scar therapy.

[marmoron]

[ keith can read the displeasure etched on shiro;s face plainly enough, but other than dropping eye contact to stare at the counter doesn't react. it was long enough ago that keith doesn't feel particularly inclined to defend his actions one way or another -- and maybe that in itself says troubling things about just how long they've been stuck in this reality that he's starting to lose sight of where his head had even been.

then again, any defense of his risk taking loops right back around to the universe is bigger than my safety. the same reason he saw zarkon alone on the platform of his ship and keith took a crack at charing the emperor down. it all feels distant though, like part of a different lifetime that was somehow less complicated than the mess of hurt feelings and shattered self imaages that they''re navigating at present.

but for whatever reason, the lecture he's anticipating never comes and that in itself makes keith look up again. his expression isn't hopeful -- far from it, now that his best friend is opening up and allowing keith a rare, depressing glimpse into his life between kerberos and voltron.

it's with a stab of guilt that keith wonders in retrospect if he should have pushed the issue more when they'd stumbled on it months ago. shiro had hinted, even back then, that the physical changes to his body were difficult to cope with. if they'd talked about it more, would it have come to this tonight? expression faltering, keith slowly raises his unburnehand to delicately cradle his best friend's cheek. ]

Shiro. [ he takes a breath, then forces a half smile. ] Listen. You've been through so many terrible things -- things that you have to be be reminded of every day just looking at yourself. [ cautiously, he spreads his fingers tracing along the bottom edge of the long scar going across shiro's nose and cheeks. ] But those things don't define you. You're so much more than what others did to you. I know that doesn't make it hurt less ... but. [ he laughs, a pinch shy a pinch self deprecating. ] ... For what it's worth? I think you're the only one who doesn't see how hot you are.

[earthshine]

[ the touch to his cheek has him flicking his gaze up, even as his chin remains tucked down. as that touch spreads into a cradle, shiro’s expression goes soft on tentative hope. it feels nice. between the words and the travel of keith’s fingers along the scar tissue of his nose, shiro finds himself hoping for – what? he doesn’t know what he’s expecting out of this. but he likes that keith understands. that he’s trying. he appreciates the effort, despite knowing, deep down, that it’s an impossibility that he’ll ever be okay again.

in a way, the words themselves aren’t surprising. if the tables were turned, shiro would likely say something equally encouraging, because for an outsider looking in, who doesn’t know the full extent of his dark past, it sounds right that any transgression done against him wouldn't define him. but shiro knows the truth: those terrible things do define him. the scars acquired in the arena mark him as a murderer. the cybernetic arm never lets him forget that he’s a test subject. the white hair speaks of stress and exposure and an oddity to his head that goes so much deeper. insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks – his brain is fucked on trauma that only exasperates due to his unwillingness to address it. the truth of the matter is that the garrison got it right. takashi shirogane died on kerberos, only for a downgraded version to stumble in and try to fill his shoes.

thus far, it isn’t panning out.

so shiro doesn’t lose that tired, defeated smile. he keeps it throughout keith’s tracing and laughter, it only growing more concrete as disbelief fills him. ]

Sure. [ incredulous; clearly, shiro doesn’t buy into this hot thing. ]

Until these same people see someone like Jules for comparison. [ … okay, perhaps that was a little too specific. ]

1/2

[marmoron]

[ keith doesn't manage to keep eye contact after getting that last part out. it's largely retrospect that's got him kicking himself. in what universe is it appropriate to tell someone hearing the literal scars of their physical and emotional trauma on their body that they're hot? fucking hell. biting the inside of his lip, keith only barely manages to keep himself from apologizing in reflex. never mind the fact that family aren't meant to be commenting on appearance and appeal and --

jules.

jules?]

Huh.

[ the syllable's out of keith's mouth before keith can think better of it. in fact, if anything keith is so caught off guard that the incredulity's dialed up to the point of acccusation. you're thinking about jules at a time like this?

mercifully keith has enough of a functioning brain to mouth filter that he manages not to pose the question outright. ]

2/2

[marmoron]

[ it's a shame that keith doesn't remember to do anything baout his brain to face filter though. that takes another beat and as the initial 'wtf' fades, keith's expression, once again, falters.

jules.

actually thinking about the guy makes heat burn across his cheeks in shame. worst first date in history aside, he's been genuinely too mortified to talk about what happened. and then shiro was always too busy. if there's one silver lining to all this, it's the knowledge that jules presumably has to be alive if he's able to block keith on grindr.

but that's not even what shiro's getting at here, is he? going from accuser to accused, keith takes a second to balk -- disoriented before.... ]

I wasn't comparing... [ he swallows. ] How could anyone ever measure up to you? I just thought.... you said wou thought of me as family so.... [ so??? ] So. [ gaze shifting down briefly. ] I thought....

[ he thought. it isn't a complete thought, but he doesn't dare finish it. ]

[earthshine]

[ error. mayday, mayday. abort?? a little difficult to shy away from the shithole he’s shoved his foot down into when he’s perched on a counter with a certain boy blocking his only escape route. the gobsmacked huh is damning and shiro tries to downplay his visible grimace. if he could take back the last ten seconds, he would in a heartbeat. perhaps there is some reality in which he isn’t an absolute moron, whinging about missed chances and hotter boys. unfortunately, shiro is not in that particular universe and so, he has little choice other than to suck it up, brace for it, and ride this out to whatever end.

keith’s done so well in curbing his words in order to protect shiro’s feelings in his – pathetic – fragile state, so maybe he’ll continue the trend and let shiro off the hook with an easy brush off. after everything of the last half hour, hell, everything of the last couple of months, that’s far more generous than anything shiro deserves. so, call him surprised when he doesn’t get that at all and instead, gets a start-stop explanation that never quite finishes, yet manages to pull together a very vivid image of where keith stands.

shock ebbs and hope emerges… only for him to fall into the same trap he’s been tripping into since the beginning: hesitance. is he reading this right? does he want to read it right? it’s odd, to want something so badly you ache for it, for weeks and weeks, believing it to be out of reach, yet the moment it becomes a possibility, to take a figurative step back and think wait.

second chances don’t come along often though. third chances even less. fourth? unheard of, but isn’t he on his fourth? the morning after the kiss, the chance in the shower, the confrontation of grindr… – this is it. there will be no fifth, so what is he going to do. what the fuck is he going to do? ]

I do think of you as family.

[ as in close. inseparable. a person he shares an unbreakable bond with. someone he sees himself tied to for the rest of his life. but by the sounds of it, their understandings don’t mesh. peeking at keith’s face, shiro spares one last breath of hesitation and then nudges the outside of keith’s thigh with his dangling foot. ]

… And more.

[marmoron]

[ the surprise softens, even as keith remains a little wide-eyed. his breath catches with the nudge at his thigh, but despite wanting to immediately press closer he doesn't. fingers still curled around his best friend's face, keith struggles to know what to do with them other than stupidly keep them in place. wrought with indecision, the best keith can even think to do is to try and breathe out, nice and slow.

what even does more mean? how long has shiro been feeling this alleged "more" and why didn't he say amything about it? subconsciously keith leans in, face lifting to look shiro in the eye again. ]

Shiiro, I don't know what that means.

[ clarify. explain. it's a unspoken demand, but the words come out soft and quiet. shiro's been confusing and unavailable for a while now and keith isn't about to get his hopes up again. ]

[earthshine]

[ of course he doesn’t know what it means. shiro hardly knows what it means either. even now, weeks into agonizing over his supposed missed chance with keith, shiro doesn’t have a solid explanation of what exactly he wants. he wants keith in his life: yes, always. he wants the closeness and familiarity of their friendship: of course. he wants to take comfort in how their bodies fit together, from kisses to the easy way keith tucks into him: tentatively yes and enthusiastically yes. beyond that, it gets hazy in its clarity. dating is a huge question mark, only in that somewhere along the way, from the beach bonfire to now, keith shifted away from wanting to pursue a relationship with anyone and now, seemingly, wants little else other than casual fun. does that include shiro? does shiro want it to include him?

start simple, is his centering thought and with it, he draws himself back to the beginning. but first – he gives up the foot nudge and widens his knees, making space as he touches his left fingers to keith’s waist. ]

I… liked kissing you.

[ he maintains eye contact until the last word and then he glances down. that touch turns into a pinch as he grasps a section of keith’s shirt. he doesn’t pull him in, he merely hangs on, feeling altogether foolish but comforted too, that if keith decides to huff and turn away, perhaps shiro can stop him. ]

Before you say it – yes, I remember. I always remembered. I just –

[ lied. was a coward. was is generous. he still is one; he can’t even look keith in the eye? expression shuttering on a grimace, shiro forces his gaze back to keith’s face, swallowing the last of his dignity for this final push. ]

I panicked. I wasn’t ready to face that I… [ a beat of hesitation. no going back now though, yeah? ] That I’m attracted to you.

[marmoron]

[ as soon as the words i liked kissing you are out, keith opens his mouth to throw out a retort. must've been obvious because shiro cuts that off immediately with i remember. i always remembered. five words. five words is all it takes for keith to mentally stumble and lose his entire train of thought. mouth closing slowly, keith continues to stare incredulously, thoughts starting to spiral at dizzying speeds.

this whole time then, shiro had remembered and just what... chose to lie about it? chose to look keith in the eye and say they were family? because what -- he panicked over the apparently heinous prospect of liking him??? what is keith meant to do with that exactly? his hand drops away from shiro's cheek, hurt, stung, then drops eye contact altogether. he should take a step back, but there's a tug on his shirt as he rocks back on his heels.

feeling more and more off kilter, keith lets out a hollow laugh. ]

Right. Because being attracted to me doesn't lead to anything good.

[ shit. fuck. that isn't what shiro's saying, but is it wrong? precedent with jules ending up at the hospital certainly gives it some amount of validity. keith grimaces, still not looking shiro in the eye. ]

[earthshine]

[ this isn’t going well. that’s easily apparent with the dropped touch and dropped eye contact. fuck. luckily, shiro has keith caught by the shirt. he tightens his fingers as keith rocks back and keeps him close, unwilling to give him any bit of leeway to escape this. some could argue that’s unfair of him. he’s been hiding away since november, deliberately playing dumb to avoid confronting this issue but now that he’s decided right here, right now he’s ready to finally address it, he isn’t allowing keith the same chance? typical. hypocritical? shameful at the very least.

shiro makes no apologies however and holds firm, frowning at the sheer ludicrosity of keith’s words. of all ways for keith to take that… – this is the conclusion he draws? shiro sighs heavily, voice worn. ]

That’s not what I’m saying.

[ shiro’s missing key pieces of information to fully understand keith’s meaning. instead, he assumes something more trivial: liking someone like keith is embarrassing. surely everyone and anyone would look down on shiro for wanting to start something with a desert rat drop-out with bad hair and a bad attitude. he’s still frowning, but there’s a sadder edge to it, one accompanied by a gentler tone. ]

Your friendship means everything to me. I can’t lose that. [ that support system has gotten shiro through some of his toughest moments, and he’s not even talking about the hell they’ve weathered together in this reality. in their own, keith’s been there for him since they were nobodies, just two boys at the garrison, wanting to fly. since kerberos, their lives have taken off in a different way and instead of buckling under the pressure, keith’s only strengthened his resolve to be there for shiro, through thick and thin. at this point, shiro doesn’t think he remembers how to stand on his own two feet, because he’s had keith in his corner for so long now.

and honestly, shiro can harp about being a big, independent boy all he likes, but he knows, deep down, that it would be an unbelievably painful struggle to have to go at it alone. he gives keith’s shirt a gentle, constant tug and tilts his head lower, trying to catch keith’s downward gaze. ]

And I was afraid maybe I would, if I was too hasty and gave in to how much I want you.

[marmoron]

[ the pull on his shirt is firmer, more insistent and keith thinks maybe he ought to be doing shiro a favor and pulling free. whether it's actually just a fucked up string of coincidences or just a fact of nature, keith can't help thinking about the people in his life who've left it. starting with the mother he never knew, then his dad, then shiro... and then here, even people who aren't important like bob and jules. adi's said before that their existence is in some way cursed -- that they bring misfortune to others here, but maybe that isn't such a new phenomenon.

shiro came back is the obvious counterpoint, but shiro's the exception for so many things in the universe. he's the one person who took a look at keith and thought there was someone worth getting to know. now, he's quite possibly the one person who actually wants keith that keith wants back.

the thought is weirdly sobering. he hasn't let himself think about wanting shiro in weeks without shame and guilt coming hand in hand. keith's breath hitches, like he might be gearing up for a sob, shoulders tensing as he keeps his gaze fixed on shiro's knee. ]

I thought... [ keith trails off, swallowing. fuck, he sounds miserable and doesn't know why when shiro is saying the things he wanted to hear. biting the inside of his lip, he moves the ice up a little higher. ] ...I thought you didn't even want to be friends anymore? [ voice wavering, keith tries for composure but words that haven't been given life pour out like a torrent. ] Thought you didn't want me looking at you so -- so I tried looking at other guys and -- [ deep breath, deep breath. ] -- I thought you'd be disgusted if I told you the truth about us kissing, you know?

[earthshine]

[ he won’t look at me, is the first crushing thought. but he’s not pulling away, is the encouraging second. despite his efforts however, it’s difficult to keep his hope afloat, especially when keith starts listing off every thought he’s kept company with these past weeks. each digs deeper and picks, picks away at him, stinging almost as horridly as his ruined patch of skin. how could keith ever think shiro wouldn’t want to be friends any longer? he asks himself and then he has a flood of answers at his disposal: shiro broke his hand and then shut himself away in so many ways, for so many weeks, only occasionally popping back into keith’s life when things became so bad that he had to allow keith a fraction of his usual attention. whatever happened to that set aside day each week, when they’d do something together? he made good on that once and… ?

no wonder keith doubts. shiro may say he values him beyond measure but he certainly hasn’t shown it. ]

No. [ he’s given up trying to catch keith’s gaze, now staring off to the side. ] I didn’t know that’s what was going on in your head.

[ arguably, this neglect and misconstrued intention is not wholly shiro’s doing. his head hasn’t been right for a long while now. the worm game and now this, whatever this is exactly. television advertisements, a shitty business and fucking lambs… ? something’s been fucking with his head, he gets that, but he doesn’t forgive himself for it either. he’s weak, clearly, to have fallen prey so frequently. keith’s remained strong throughout and for his effort, he’s paid dearly. ]

I’m sorry. [ thick and weighed down, his voice wavers. ] I haven’t been myself lately. [ a pause, his teeth clicking on a brief clench of frustration. he doesn’t want to make excuses. it’s not one. he just – he needs to explain – ] Haven’t been thinking straight… [ again a pause and he scoffs something ugly on inappropriate amusement. ] Heh, as you can see.

[ that dark self-reprimanding shutters out of existence in the next beat and then he’s shaking his head, stubbornly pushing on. ]

I know you’ve moved on and I’m probably not what you want anymore. [ not probably. certainly. shiro lets go of keith’s shirt and brings that arm in, hugging it around his own lower abdomen to clutch at his waist. the scars, the burn, the utter patheticness of himself… – shiro can’t help but notice that keith’s spent this whole time talking circles and never once showing any indication that he’s happy. the last thing he wants to do is make keith uncomfortable; fuck, he’s likely done enough of that already by being such a mess.

too late. he grimaces and then muscles a smile, still looking elsewhere. ]

So it’s fine. [ he’s hurrying along, forcing a jovial tilt to his voice that doesn’t hit the right pitch to pass as genuine. ] I don’t expect anything, I just wanted… [ he sucks in a breath as he wavers on uncertainty on how to end that. one tick and then he exhales, finishing lamely: ] – to clear that up.

[marmoron]

[ keith stays quiet, biting his lip until it blanches white. emotions pulling in different directions, it's hard to even know where his head's gone. he ought to be angry. at the end of the day, shiro looked him in the eye and lied to him. all reasoning and sugarcoating aside, that's what the hurt he's been carrying in his chest has boiled down to. weeks of guilt and loneliness that would have been avoided if shiro had just been honest from the start.

it's funny -- no stupid. when they were in the bathroom and shiro had been signalling for him to fuck off, keith had been ready to do anything to soothe away his best friend's pain. to lead him away from the bathroom, away from the shards of broken glass, the drugs and needles, take care of the wound on his chest and do what? repeat over and over that he's gorgeous and precious beyond comprehension?

the sentiment sours as keith turns it over in his thoughts. it isn't fair, of course. neither of them have been acting completely normally. even now, keith is so desperately uncomfortable with the idea of some outside influence messing with his head that he'd rather try and talk himself into thinking going on grindr to fuck just any random guy actually makes perfect sense rather than being an invasive parasite of a desire put in his head by a supernatural advertisement.

so anger. anger it is, then. that's always been the easiest emotion to galvanize around for keith, even if he realizes it rarely helps a fucking thing. especially in a delicate situation like this.

but at the same time, is it the worst thing? he finally looks up at shiro and at that godawful grimace of a smile and decides that he hates it. he hates giving these fucking fear creatures any ground in legitimizing bullshit feeling. instead..... ]

No. [ it's curt and clipped in its decisiveness. letting go of the ice entirely, keith lets it drop onto shiro's thigh and ignores the throbbing in his hand as he raises both to hold shiro's face captive and force eye contact. ]

No, it's not fine, okay? You don't get to decide if we're fine or not by yourself anymore
[ shoulders shake once, the one sign that the resolve here is more fragile than he's letting on. ] You don't get to tell me if I've moved on or if I want you or don't want you.

You're gonna look at me. ANd then you're gonna kiss me like you really want me. And then maybe we can be fine.

i'm still waiting for this to implode.

[earthshine]

[ shiro could learn a thing or two from keith about perseverance. he has it in spades but only in every aspect of his life except this one. metaphorically telling those of authority to shove it by breaking every record and overcoming every challenge until no excuse is left to overlook him? done. survive stacked odds in an alien arena and the unspeakable cruelty in a lab? alright. shelve his own trauma and be a pillar of strength for a last minute team thrown together to save the universe? got it covered. funny then, that he buckles into this small, defeated thing, all too eager to throw in the towel when unreciprocated affections come into the mix. as always, he’s quick to blame the fragility of his psyche, but if he’s completely honest, he knows it’s a flaw that stems deeper.

he supposes it’s because he can’t fake it. showing affection renders vulnerability. it’s putting oneself out there without a shred of bravado to hide behind. the one thing shiro absolutely excels at is putting on a facade that he’s okay and the last person anyone needs to think twice about… but that whole front has fallen apart so disastrously tonight, that shiro, of course, wants to do what he can to minimize the damage.

that’s why he immediately tries to walk everything back. it’s fine. no obligation. he’ll get over it, just as keith has…? keith is, apparently, having none of it and even though the shortness of keith’s tone has shiro cringing, he does have a helpless little thought of, of course. of course keith would be the stronger of the two of them; unwilling to hide, unwilling to let this slip by. keith’s stubborn, but more than that, he’s honest. he hasn’t quite mastered lying through his teeth as shiro has.

forced to look keith in the eye, shiro’s faked expression eases away and there, with a rather blank look, he takes in every word. cornered again. keith is forcing his hand. that seems to be the play of the night. is shiro angry? no. should he be angry? maybe. here keith is telling him he can’t make conclusions about this mess between them, but keith is in full rights to command shiro to shut up and kiss him? he feels none of that though: no annoyance, no frustration, no agitated feeling of being trapped. instead, the following moment lapses into silence and shiro feels – guided. and it’s a good feeling, one that pieces together the need to pick himself up and prove himself.

he straightens his spine to sit up from his hunch, though his neck dips further to allow keith to keep his face caught and close, and then he unwraps his arm from that pathetic self-soothing clutch. determination brightens his eyes, as well as his face, finally, finally finding that thing inside himself to pursue what he’s been wanting for ages now. guess he only needed keith to give it a strong, unapologetic kick. it’s a funny thought but he doesn’t laugh, doesn’t smile, he merely grasps keith by the back of the neck and gently hauls him in. legs already knocked into a wide v, it’s just as easy to – gingerly, hesitantly – touch keith’s waist with his blasted galra hand, only braving enough to fist the hem of his shirt and pull him in that way.

with that, shiro leans in, watching keith up close right until the last moment. lips touch and shiro closes his eyes, immediately feeling a rush of nerves flip flopping his stomach. fuck, it’s destabilizing, to have all this damned up desire; he’s trying to keep it damned up too, with only a portion of it being let out in measured increments, both for his own preservation, as well as keith’s. but shiro’s a weak man. two seconds into the comforting pressure of keith’s mouth soft and perfect against his, shiro is already hungry for more.

keith did say kiss him like he really wants him…

fingers splay up and clutch loosely, then not so loosely, at keith’s hair as shiro tilts his face for better access. lips part and then it’s hot and moist and incessant, shiro kissing keith deeper. ]

i am also nervous

[marmoron]

[ on some level, keith is aware that glaring with all the recalcitrance he can muster is quite possibly the opposite of encouraging in this moment. he hasn't given any thought to being more alluring in these situations though, and furthermore the thought of being vulnerable makes his skin crawl. he's felt vulnerable around shiro for so long, and his patience for heartache has run out. no more.

he doesn't know what he'd do if shiro pushed him away now; it's fifty-fifty on whether he'd just lose it and laugh hysterically or cry. shiro said he's sorry, but actions always speak louder than words and even in seeing his best friend pull himself together and lean in to kiss, keith doesn't quite believe it's happening.

how long has he wanted this? weeks? months? and now it's happening just because he fucking willed it to happen? shoulders tense through the initial bump of shiro's lips on his, keith tries to remember to breathe. despite the angered words that brought them here, the kiss is achingly soft, making keith's heart flutter a beat later. the i'm sorry feels a little more palatable then, more real as metal fingers pull him in closer and the kiss loses its chasteness.

keith makes a soft noise that might've been an oh before shiro swallows it up. lips parting, keith's hands grip a smidge tighter around his best friend's cheeks, thumb ghosting around the angle of his jaw in tender circles. the reflexive gver wanting this hushes as tongues and lips move together in earnest.

the anger never quite fades to nothing. they could have had this for a while -- no pain, no loneliness. the thought is suffocating as it mutates into something else entirely. keith doesn't want to know what's going to happen if they let go of each other. right hand moving to cradle the back of his best friend's head, keith drags his nails through shiro's scalp and steps fully into the v of his legs. he doesn't stop kissing -- not really. but he tries to speak one word at a time. ]

Want it to feel good. Just like this between us. Always.