Luka Kovač [ER] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cuttypie) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
apocalypsehowcomm2022-07-02 04:09 pm
cuttypie) wrote in apocalypsehowcomm2022-07-02 04:09 pm
I see a red door
Who: Luka Kovač and you!
When: July
Where: ADI and around town
Summary: Luka begins his delightful journey as an Avatar to the Stranger
Warnings: Hallucinations, disassociation, Addiction and related themes, blood, injections, body horror, blood-borne/sexually transmitted illness, body dysmorphia, panic attacks and visceral descriptions of them, medical themes, terminology, injections, and procedures, PTSD, trauma, potential talk of war, violence, family/child death, self harm references, suicidal ideation
[Note: This concludes the following player plot where Luka and Ade have been trying to use Ade's blood for healing secretly. Luka will swear anyone to secrecy if they discover what they're doing here because they can't let ADI find out, or if anyone suspects he's an Avatar. Luka has 2 new Stranger powers and you can opt in here.]
He thought maybe it would be more ceremonial or something.
Or that there would be some kind of scary, ominous forshadowing, like in the movies.
A peal of thunder, a cold chill, maybe music dramatically rising in the background.
Or maybe that it would hurt, somehow. Or some dark scary force would swirl around him dramatically, also like in the movies.
But it wasn't like that at all.
He's not sure how it even started, really.
He's back from a long walk at night, back in Gloucester, to get some air and clear his head. He's decided to move to Bonnie's Flophouse upon their return from Wolf Pen. Luka grabs a toothbrush to take to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
It's been bad lately, and not just because of his conversation with Carter. Knowing that he has this weird ability, taking other people's fear for his own, and then looking like what they fear, knowing that an Entity had taken notice of him and gifted--no, cursed him with...already he was having a difficult time even after the effects of the c'nataat debacle, as much as he wanted to keep dosing it was having an extraordinary effect on his mind. Or at least, a bad extraordinary effect. Too many times he felt like he was being twisted apart, torn apart and remade, alien DNA overwriting his own, feeling like he was losing himself.
Maybe he was trying to find himself out there.
He glances up as he's about to put toothpaste on his brush, and frowns. The mirror is cracked in several places.
It's...odd.
It's like every reflection he sees of himself doesn't look like him. There's five Lukas there and none of them look like him. Or do they?
Oh, God. Was he just not able to recognize his own face? He drops the toothbrush and it clatters to the floor, pressing a hand to the mirror, rubbing his eyes desperately. Maybe he's just tired?
Or maybe it was his...ability working against him, scaring him because that's just what entities did, that's how they worked.
"What do you want from me, huh!?" he yells out loud, throwing his hands up. "You've had your fun! I'm scared, all right!? Is that what you want?"
The hims in the mirror seem to move, just slightly, each one in a different direction, each one looking like but not quite like himself. It's maddening, seeing oneself like that, seeing them move, seeing how unnatural it is.
He almost wants to laugh. Or maybe he's going to cry.
"I'm tired of it. This fear, that's what you--you things do, all you want is to consume, to hurt people. I don't want to hurt people anymore!"
But you're not hurting people.
It's like it's his voice. Or maybe it's himself, telling himself this. Or maybe he's speaking to himself, but it seems to be coming from the mirror.
You're saving them from other fears and replacing them with a controllable one.
His reflection...s move, shift, one looks like a banshee and another looks like a shadow, another looks like him with a too-large grin full of sharp teeth and another one looks like a mannequin, moving in a stilted, jarring fashion.
It's terrifying. He knows he's probably hallucinating somehow.
Or at least he really hopes it's all in his head.
He's so angry because it makes sense.
"And what? You're going to use me to steal fear from everyone else?"
You saw what happened in Wolf Pen. You saw how dangerous those other Avatars are, those other Entities. You can control this. You can steal their fears, weaken them, starve out the others. How dangerous is this, really?
One of his reflections laughs with a maw full of sharp teeth.
What's a little scare when it comes down to saving the world?
Luka hangs his head, hating this, hating how much it makes sense, hating how he knows it's going against everything that Carter wanted him to do. How can he do this? He knows what happened to Katie Dunn, how ADI treated her, how twisted she had become, he'd seen it all first hand. What if that happens to himself?
"I can't..." he shakes his head.
You really are going to give up something that can protect the ones you love?
His head shoots up at that, staring at the mocking faces that are both his own and very much not.
"Don't you dare bring love into this. You're trying to manipulate me."
You're trying to manipulate yourself. Because you already know you've made up your mind. You've made the decision.
Luka's hands slide on the edge of the mirror, feeling both utterly weak and like a heavy weight is settling on his shoulders.
"I can't..."
He wishes he never came to this cursed world.
A hand reaches out through the mirror, broken and twisted like it was made out of broken glass. Luka stares at it, dully.
It's your choice.
Maybe it wasn't enough, with the c'nataat. The loophole had to be bigger. If he can be in there, on the inside of things, maybe they'll have a chance. A much better chance than the one they had. If he can keep the Stranger full and happy, there'd be no need for the Stranger to have a Katie or Deepthi. If they can't take out the Entities, then maybe they can mitigate the damage.
He reaches out for the mirror-hand, and grasps it. He feels so cold.
His reflections grin...then drag him through the mirror.
A.
[Everything is different. The world feels different. Or maybe it's him. Maybe he's just different.
And he's hungry.
Even his ability feels different--now he's seeking out feelings of fear, able to pinpoint it in a crowd like a shark sensing blood miles away.
It's morning and there's not too many people out here on the street, and he's certainly not going to make a scene or give ADI anything to hunt.
Besides, how can they hunt him if they don't even know who he is?
There's a young man on his phone, standing at a corner near a coffee shop, furiously typing something. Luka casually stops, the fear practically a banner in the sky above his head.]
You all right?
[The young man shakes his head, either a little annoyed by a stranger's approach or just irritated by being interrupted.]
No. Sorry, it's just...a bad breakup, that's all.
[Luka smiles.]
Yeah, I know how that is. It doesn't just hurt, it's a little scary, isn't it? Being alone?
[Finally, he looks up, a little confused.]
...uh, sure? Why do you care?
[Luka's smile is just a little too sharp. Maybe a little too wide.]
Because I can help you with that. I can make it so you're not afraid of being alone.
[There's a pause.]
Really? How? That's impossible.
[Something shadowy moves across Luka's face, and the young man yelps when suddenly the friendly figure twists into something undefinable, but monstrous, something from his nightmares, maybe.
There's so much fear. And then Luka moves his hand and the screaming stops, the young man looking bewildered, panting, but utterly confused because he suddenly has no memory of...what just scared him. And Luka simply gets up and walks way, another stranger in the crowd.]
B. For Carter -
[He sends him a message for him to meet him at his new room in Bonnie's.
We have to talk.
He knows that maybe this isn't the best idea. That he shouldn't tell Carter--what if he gets so angry he does tell ADI? But he's not sure he can keep going on without anyone knowing. What if being an Avatar has done something to his...physiology? Wouldn't it make sense that at least one doctor knew about it?
Or maybe it was just the guilt. The never-ending guilt that maybe he made the wrong decision, that he was making mistake after mistake...
Or maybe it was just because it was Carter and he couldn't bear to not let him know.
He couldn't bear lying to him.
Luka waits, anxiously, pacing in his room for him to arrive.
It'll be fine.
He's sure it'll be fine.]
C. More prompts under construction
When: July
Where: ADI and around town
Summary: Luka begins his delightful journey as an Avatar to the Stranger
Warnings: Hallucinations, disassociation, Addiction and related themes, blood, injections, body horror, blood-borne/sexually transmitted illness, body dysmorphia, panic attacks and visceral descriptions of them, medical themes, terminology, injections, and procedures, PTSD, trauma, potential talk of war, violence, family/child death, self harm references, suicidal ideation
[Note: This concludes the following player plot where Luka and Ade have been trying to use Ade's blood for healing secretly. Luka will swear anyone to secrecy if they discover what they're doing here because they can't let ADI find out, or if anyone suspects he's an Avatar. Luka has 2 new Stranger powers and you can opt in here.]
He thought maybe it would be more ceremonial or something.
Or that there would be some kind of scary, ominous forshadowing, like in the movies.
A peal of thunder, a cold chill, maybe music dramatically rising in the background.
Or maybe that it would hurt, somehow. Or some dark scary force would swirl around him dramatically, also like in the movies.
But it wasn't like that at all.
He's not sure how it even started, really.
He's back from a long walk at night, back in Gloucester, to get some air and clear his head. He's decided to move to Bonnie's Flophouse upon their return from Wolf Pen. Luka grabs a toothbrush to take to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
It's been bad lately, and not just because of his conversation with Carter. Knowing that he has this weird ability, taking other people's fear for his own, and then looking like what they fear, knowing that an Entity had taken notice of him and gifted--no, cursed him with...already he was having a difficult time even after the effects of the c'nataat debacle, as much as he wanted to keep dosing it was having an extraordinary effect on his mind. Or at least, a bad extraordinary effect. Too many times he felt like he was being twisted apart, torn apart and remade, alien DNA overwriting his own, feeling like he was losing himself.
Maybe he was trying to find himself out there.
He glances up as he's about to put toothpaste on his brush, and frowns. The mirror is cracked in several places.
It's...odd.
It's like every reflection he sees of himself doesn't look like him. There's five Lukas there and none of them look like him. Or do they?
Oh, God. Was he just not able to recognize his own face? He drops the toothbrush and it clatters to the floor, pressing a hand to the mirror, rubbing his eyes desperately. Maybe he's just tired?
Or maybe it was his...ability working against him, scaring him because that's just what entities did, that's how they worked.
"What do you want from me, huh!?" he yells out loud, throwing his hands up. "You've had your fun! I'm scared, all right!? Is that what you want?"
The hims in the mirror seem to move, just slightly, each one in a different direction, each one looking like but not quite like himself. It's maddening, seeing oneself like that, seeing them move, seeing how unnatural it is.
He almost wants to laugh. Or maybe he's going to cry.
"I'm tired of it. This fear, that's what you--you things do, all you want is to consume, to hurt people. I don't want to hurt people anymore!"
But you're not hurting people.
It's like it's his voice. Or maybe it's himself, telling himself this. Or maybe he's speaking to himself, but it seems to be coming from the mirror.
You're saving them from other fears and replacing them with a controllable one.
His reflection...s move, shift, one looks like a banshee and another looks like a shadow, another looks like him with a too-large grin full of sharp teeth and another one looks like a mannequin, moving in a stilted, jarring fashion.
It's terrifying. He knows he's probably hallucinating somehow.
Or at least he really hopes it's all in his head.
He's so angry because it makes sense.
"And what? You're going to use me to steal fear from everyone else?"
You saw what happened in Wolf Pen. You saw how dangerous those other Avatars are, those other Entities. You can control this. You can steal their fears, weaken them, starve out the others. How dangerous is this, really?
One of his reflections laughs with a maw full of sharp teeth.
What's a little scare when it comes down to saving the world?
Luka hangs his head, hating this, hating how much it makes sense, hating how he knows it's going against everything that Carter wanted him to do. How can he do this? He knows what happened to Katie Dunn, how ADI treated her, how twisted she had become, he'd seen it all first hand. What if that happens to himself?
"I can't..." he shakes his head.
You really are going to give up something that can protect the ones you love?
His head shoots up at that, staring at the mocking faces that are both his own and very much not.
"Don't you dare bring love into this. You're trying to manipulate me."
You're trying to manipulate yourself. Because you already know you've made up your mind. You've made the decision.
Luka's hands slide on the edge of the mirror, feeling both utterly weak and like a heavy weight is settling on his shoulders.
"I can't..."
He wishes he never came to this cursed world.
A hand reaches out through the mirror, broken and twisted like it was made out of broken glass. Luka stares at it, dully.
It's your choice.
Maybe it wasn't enough, with the c'nataat. The loophole had to be bigger. If he can be in there, on the inside of things, maybe they'll have a chance. A much better chance than the one they had. If he can keep the Stranger full and happy, there'd be no need for the Stranger to have a Katie or Deepthi. If they can't take out the Entities, then maybe they can mitigate the damage.
He reaches out for the mirror-hand, and grasps it. He feels so cold.
His reflections grin...then drag him through the mirror.
A.
[Everything is different. The world feels different. Or maybe it's him. Maybe he's just different.
And he's hungry.
Even his ability feels different--now he's seeking out feelings of fear, able to pinpoint it in a crowd like a shark sensing blood miles away.
It's morning and there's not too many people out here on the street, and he's certainly not going to make a scene or give ADI anything to hunt.
Besides, how can they hunt him if they don't even know who he is?
There's a young man on his phone, standing at a corner near a coffee shop, furiously typing something. Luka casually stops, the fear practically a banner in the sky above his head.]
You all right?
[The young man shakes his head, either a little annoyed by a stranger's approach or just irritated by being interrupted.]
No. Sorry, it's just...a bad breakup, that's all.
[Luka smiles.]
Yeah, I know how that is. It doesn't just hurt, it's a little scary, isn't it? Being alone?
[Finally, he looks up, a little confused.]
...uh, sure? Why do you care?
[Luka's smile is just a little too sharp. Maybe a little too wide.]
Because I can help you with that. I can make it so you're not afraid of being alone.
[There's a pause.]
Really? How? That's impossible.
[Something shadowy moves across Luka's face, and the young man yelps when suddenly the friendly figure twists into something undefinable, but monstrous, something from his nightmares, maybe.
There's so much fear. And then Luka moves his hand and the screaming stops, the young man looking bewildered, panting, but utterly confused because he suddenly has no memory of...what just scared him. And Luka simply gets up and walks way, another stranger in the crowd.]
B. For Carter -
[He sends him a message for him to meet him at his new room in Bonnie's.
We have to talk.
He knows that maybe this isn't the best idea. That he shouldn't tell Carter--what if he gets so angry he does tell ADI? But he's not sure he can keep going on without anyone knowing. What if being an Avatar has done something to his...physiology? Wouldn't it make sense that at least one doctor knew about it?
Or maybe it was just the guilt. The never-ending guilt that maybe he made the wrong decision, that he was making mistake after mistake...
Or maybe it was just because it was Carter and he couldn't bear to not let him know.
He couldn't bear lying to him.
Luka waits, anxiously, pacing in his room for him to arrive.
It'll be fine.
He's sure it'll be fine.]
C. More prompts under construction
cw: blood, ptsd
But then his face shifts and it gets worse.
So much worse.
Suddenly it isn't Luka sitting there, but Sobriki, his face angry, unhinged. Yelling. Brandishing a knife. For a moment it's almost absurd and Carter sits frozen before he is suddenly overcome by a rushing panic.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
He suddenly jumps, trying to back away, his eyes wide.
There's blood on the floor. There's music thundering in his head.
There's absolute terror in his heart.]
cw: blood, ptsd
No, no, no, no, no, no, no--
He can't, not with Carter, never Carter--
--but it's too late.
The fear is there and it's amazing.
He takes it, feeds off of it, like it's in the air around them, as if he can just absorb it by his mere presence. It's so much--
--Carter is so scared.
It's exquisite.
Delicious.
And he's scared of him.
...he's scared of him.
It doesn't take much to put two and two together, what Carter would be afraid of, what's happening to him, the movements he's making, the yelling--Luka realizes what he looks like.
Who he looks like.
No.
Luka puts a hand on a table, shaking his head, trying desperately to shake his appearance off. It twists and shifts, flickering across his skin, before his original self appears once more.
Oh, God.
He stares, mouth opening and closing, realizing what he's done.]
...Carter?
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
He would never have agreed if he knew that it would be this. He didn't think it would be this. He didn't think it would be him.
He expected something general, everyone's afraid of something, right? The uncanny fear of Luka's face not being Luka's face. Maybe the impenetrable darkness from the train. Maybe even the spikes that had attacked him in Wolf Pen. One of the Avatars.
But it's not any of that. It's Sobriki. It's the stabbing. And it's awful.
It's like he's there. For a moment everything is upside down and he forgets that it's not real, there is just no room for that thought, no chance to be this rational when the fear takes over. Basses and drums thunder in his head. His back hurts, the worst pain he's ever felt in his life, he's going to die from the pain alone, he knows it and where's Lucy, he has to get to her, he has to find her, she must be here somewhere, if only he could get up, if only he could get some help, if only anyone heard him...
And then it's over and he gasps like a drowning man coming up, stumbling, his hand windmilling frantically, sending books and bottles and other stuff to the ground. He stares at Luka without really seeing him, his mouth opening and closing, looks around the room wildly, uncomprehending of where he is, what is happening.
His legs give out from under him and he barely manages to grab the trash bin before he doubles over and throws up.]
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
He has been, so many countless other fears. Monsters, people, sometimes things that are scarcely conceptual...
...today he was just another person and the fear is so great he wonders if he won't have to hunt for a week, if this will fill him and the Stranger for ages.
He hopes the Stranger is happy and will leave him alone for awhile.
Because this is one of the worst. One of the most. He isn't quite sure this isn't the most fear he's gotten in one go.
The monster in him should be very happy.
He feels like crying.
He never wants to see that look on Carter's face again.
When he goes for the trash bin Luka is torn on rushing to his side and staying where he is, and all he manages are a couple steps to the side.]
Carter, it's...it's over, he's not really here.
Are you okay?
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
He is very much not okay.
Carter comes up pale, shaking violently, slowly realizing, slowly remembering. It takes him a moment to hear Luka, to let the words register.
It's over.
He's not really here.
It doesn't really help. The knowledge is cold, detached, can't reach his body yet, does nothing to help him calm down. His heart keeps thundering in his chest so hard it feels like his ripcage is about to split open. The nausea is making him dizzy and it takes him a while before he can speak again.]
This is what you do?
[His voice is rough, raw. He stares at Luka.]
This is what you do to people?
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
[This is what he does to people.
It's like he can finally see it, he can finally realize exactly what he's been doing.
This.
This is the effect of hunting fear, this is the effect of causing fear.
All he can do is stare in horror, stare in pain, stare in despair.
At what he's caused. At what he made happen.]
Carter...
[What can he do? What should he do? All can he do is stand there and watch the consequences of his actions.]
I didn't mean...I didn't realize...
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
This is what he does to people.
This is what he chose.
He stares into blank space for another moment, then pushes himself up.]
... Sit down. I need to, to, to draw some blood... need to...
[He rummages through his field kit, jittery, picking up things, dropping things.]
Should have done a scan during but not like we can go to the lab...
cw: blood, ptsd, throwing up
[He doesn't know what to do, how to get closer, should he get closer, should he just leave him alone...
It's killing him, how Carter is reacting, how upset he was, how much he'd terrified him...
...this wasn't worth it. None of this was. And he thinks about all the people he'd scared and didn't care about, care about what happened to them, like they were things to be used and thrown away...]
Please, sit down. You need to--you need to rest a moment.
no subject
[He slams the kit down and his voice rises with sudden anger. Or maybe hysteria.]
I want to figure out how to get whatever that is out of you!
[And not think about what just happened.
He can't stop thinking about what just happened.
After a few more frantic attempts of handling his equipment he finally pushes it over, pacing restlessly.]
You-- you do it. Draw some blood. Get me samples.
cw: needles, blood
The monster in him wants to fight. There's no way it wants to leave, something in Luka's eyes shift and flash at Carter--
--but he quickly blinks it away, shaking his head.
No.
He's right.
He's right, he knows what he's doing to people now--
--Luka rubs the side of his face, before going to the kit and pulling vials out for a blood draw, rolling up his sleeve, wrapping a tie around his elbow and drawing out blood. He takes the two vials and puts them on a table.]
There.
no subject
[Carter nods slowly, watching him closely.]
Okay, I need to-- I'll just take your vitals, listen to your...
[He just stands, staring at him, gripping at his stethoscope.
He's not getting closer.]
no subject
Something in his heart starts to crack, to shatter, and his hand trembles as he reaches out for the stethoscope.
His voice is strained.
Smaller.]
I can...I can take it. It's okay.