Luka Kovač [ER] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cuttypie) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
apocalypsehowcomm2022-06-04 12:11 pm
cuttypie) wrote in apocalypsehowcomm2022-06-04 12:11 pm
[Open] And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills - Log
Who: Luka Kovač and you!
When: June
Where: Wolf Pen still
Summary: Player plot begin, gets aligned to the Stranger
Warnings: Addiction and related themes, blood, injections, body horror, blood-borne/sexually transmitted illness, body dysmorphia, panic attacks and visceral descriptions of them, medical themes, terminology, injections, and procedures, PTSD, trauma, potential talk of war, violence, family/child death, self harm references, suicidal ideation
[Note: This begins the following player plot where Luka and Ade have been trying to use Ade's blood for healing secretly. Luka will swear anyone to secrecy if they discover what they're doing here because they can't let ADI find out. Luka will be getting 2 new powers and you can opt in here.]
a. Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? - OTA
Their plans had been working.
It was such a good plan, wasn't it? A way to get back at the Entities, to finally have some agency, to be able to use this fear against them. Sedate a patient while giving them a dose of Ade's blood with c'nataat to heal them, taking on a dose himself and the fear for himself when Ade donates to 'pay' the price of fear for the Entities. Trying to hide it, trying not to make too big of a fuss because he knows ADI would not be happy with this. And for a little, while, it was going great. Nobody knew what they were doing, and it was helping people.
Until it stopped working. Until they found out they needed more fear for more healing, which meant more fear for him.
But it's fine. He can deal with the fallout, he can deal with the fear--he's felt plenty of fear before, been through horrific things, and this--this isn't anywhere near with what he's already experienced. But he has a funny feeling the Entities might take issue with that.
So there are more doses. The mutations get worse, but it's temporary so it's fine. He can deal with the fear.
It's a different kind of fear than what he's used to, though. He's used to threats against his person, against people around him, death and destruction and injury. This wasn't like that, though. This is something on a different level. The awareness that there's an alien lifeform in him shouldn't bother him that much, because he understand what's going on scientifically--it's no different from a unique treatment. But it does. It feels like it's changing him in a terrible way, in a way that takes away his humanity and won't give it back.
What it looks like isn't helping, either. He'd undone his shirt when small dots of bio-luminescence became visible underneath. The skin on his chest was a different...texture, almost as if it was fading away in spots, until, horrifically but also fascinatingly, he could start to...see things. Like it was becoming transparent, the organs underneath toiling away, bright spots of luminescence trailing up on each side. It was actually really cool if it wasn't so scary.
He's had a lot of doses today. He really should just stay in the room for the day, and pretend he's sick. He's not sure how long the mutations will last--it shouldn't be too long, the first time it was only for a few minutes, but he knows the longer this lasts, the more doses he takes, it'll fuel the fear price and then he won't have to worry about this until next month.
Except he forgot to grab enough food to last for the day so he's just going to sneak downstairs to run to the nearest convenience store. The mutations aren't visible under the long jacket, and he's wearing sunglasses. A little warm for the weather, but these were the mountains, after all. Surely it's fine?
b. But time makes you bolder - OTA
It's funny how much you plan things and yet they still go so terribly wrong.
He knows he ought to be used to that by now, as an ER doctor. But still, after all the hard work he'd put in, he thought that maybe, maybe this was the once chance they could stick it to the Entities, that they could finally have a little good in a world where there were things trying to actively snuff it out.
Maybe that's what happened here. Maybe one of them noticed.
He didn't have time to give the sedative to the patient and they would have to suffer the effects of a c'nataat dose. As much as he hated to do it, it was a small price to pay. Except the patient seemed...fine. They didn't react, recoil in horror, except--Luka did. It was like getting hit with a hammer made out of fear chemicals, his adrenaline shot up, and that same sensation he gets when he pays the price for the doses echoes in his head like he's been thoroughly replaced by an alien. It's so sudden and so ridiculous he doesn't know what to do for a moment except sit there and take it, trying to breathe through the horror until it fades.
...what was that?
Until it happens again. And then again, in a completely different situation--where he realized that what was happening was completely artificial. It was simple--the patient was terrified of doctors to the point that their blood pressure was always high whenever they needed to see one, except that around him, they were calm. The patient seemed pleased, because this had never happened before but there was a brief moment, when Luka had gone to grab something out of a cabinet, they screamed and said they saw a ghost. And that it was right where he'd been, and they'd ran away--and the same time, fear was pressing down on him in a strange way--adrenaline spiking, anxiety, as if he was terrified about what he would say about their condition. For a moment he wondered if maybe the mutations had come back, somehow, on their own--but he hadn't been on any doses in awhile and still looked perfectly human. Didn't he?
It was maddening. Madness. What was going on? The only thing he could do was to test it out, see if the conditions were repeatable.
He's out on the town, stuffing his hands in his pockets. How the hell was he going to figure this out? Was it based on fear? If he found someone that was afraid, would he take their fear on, or something? Why was this happening?
...he can only hope that this all hadn't caught up to them. That the Entities hadn't finally taken notice.
He's pretty sure they've taken notice.
c. - For Addie
He's running the medical station today and everything is fine.
He's fine, patients are fine, weather's fine.
It's not like everything is starting to catch up to him and become a disaster in any way, shape or form. But he can't worry about these things, because despite the complications, it's still working. The c'nataat dosing is still working, along with the sedation to avoid them from taking on the fear, and what's so bad about him taking on the fear, anyway? That's what he's been doing all along, paying the price so that they don't have to? So really.
It's fine.
He's set up a small curtain in the back of the table and he doesn't dare offer any doses if anyone from ADI is around. There's an older man sitting in the chair by the curtain, and Luka is quietly consulting with them. It's someone with an awful cough and Luka sounds kind, compassionate.
"Your cough isn't going to get any better. And even without extensive testing I can tell you that your prognosis is very poor. Life-threateningly so. We have a treatment that can help you, and it's a fairly simple one. I'll give you something to calm you and make you sleep for a few minutes, and it's a one-time injection. It's, admittedly, fairly experimental but I can assure you it's very effective."
d. - Wildcard - Want a scenario not listed here or anything specific? Anything goes! Hit me up at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
indymica
When: June
Where: Wolf Pen still
Summary: Player plot begin, gets aligned to the Stranger
Warnings: Addiction and related themes, blood, injections, body horror, blood-borne/sexually transmitted illness, body dysmorphia, panic attacks and visceral descriptions of them, medical themes, terminology, injections, and procedures, PTSD, trauma, potential talk of war, violence, family/child death, self harm references, suicidal ideation
[Note: This begins the following player plot where Luka and Ade have been trying to use Ade's blood for healing secretly. Luka will swear anyone to secrecy if they discover what they're doing here because they can't let ADI find out. Luka will be getting 2 new powers and you can opt in here.]
a. Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? - OTA
Their plans had been working.
It was such a good plan, wasn't it? A way to get back at the Entities, to finally have some agency, to be able to use this fear against them. Sedate a patient while giving them a dose of Ade's blood with c'nataat to heal them, taking on a dose himself and the fear for himself when Ade donates to 'pay' the price of fear for the Entities. Trying to hide it, trying not to make too big of a fuss because he knows ADI would not be happy with this. And for a little, while, it was going great. Nobody knew what they were doing, and it was helping people.
Until it stopped working. Until they found out they needed more fear for more healing, which meant more fear for him.
But it's fine. He can deal with the fallout, he can deal with the fear--he's felt plenty of fear before, been through horrific things, and this--this isn't anywhere near with what he's already experienced. But he has a funny feeling the Entities might take issue with that.
So there are more doses. The mutations get worse, but it's temporary so it's fine. He can deal with the fear.
It's a different kind of fear than what he's used to, though. He's used to threats against his person, against people around him, death and destruction and injury. This wasn't like that, though. This is something on a different level. The awareness that there's an alien lifeform in him shouldn't bother him that much, because he understand what's going on scientifically--it's no different from a unique treatment. But it does. It feels like it's changing him in a terrible way, in a way that takes away his humanity and won't give it back.
What it looks like isn't helping, either. He'd undone his shirt when small dots of bio-luminescence became visible underneath. The skin on his chest was a different...texture, almost as if it was fading away in spots, until, horrifically but also fascinatingly, he could start to...see things. Like it was becoming transparent, the organs underneath toiling away, bright spots of luminescence trailing up on each side. It was actually really cool if it wasn't so scary.
He's had a lot of doses today. He really should just stay in the room for the day, and pretend he's sick. He's not sure how long the mutations will last--it shouldn't be too long, the first time it was only for a few minutes, but he knows the longer this lasts, the more doses he takes, it'll fuel the fear price and then he won't have to worry about this until next month.
Except he forgot to grab enough food to last for the day so he's just going to sneak downstairs to run to the nearest convenience store. The mutations aren't visible under the long jacket, and he's wearing sunglasses. A little warm for the weather, but these were the mountains, after all. Surely it's fine?
b. But time makes you bolder - OTA
It's funny how much you plan things and yet they still go so terribly wrong.
He knows he ought to be used to that by now, as an ER doctor. But still, after all the hard work he'd put in, he thought that maybe, maybe this was the once chance they could stick it to the Entities, that they could finally have a little good in a world where there were things trying to actively snuff it out.
Maybe that's what happened here. Maybe one of them noticed.
He didn't have time to give the sedative to the patient and they would have to suffer the effects of a c'nataat dose. As much as he hated to do it, it was a small price to pay. Except the patient seemed...fine. They didn't react, recoil in horror, except--Luka did. It was like getting hit with a hammer made out of fear chemicals, his adrenaline shot up, and that same sensation he gets when he pays the price for the doses echoes in his head like he's been thoroughly replaced by an alien. It's so sudden and so ridiculous he doesn't know what to do for a moment except sit there and take it, trying to breathe through the horror until it fades.
...what was that?
Until it happens again. And then again, in a completely different situation--where he realized that what was happening was completely artificial. It was simple--the patient was terrified of doctors to the point that their blood pressure was always high whenever they needed to see one, except that around him, they were calm. The patient seemed pleased, because this had never happened before but there was a brief moment, when Luka had gone to grab something out of a cabinet, they screamed and said they saw a ghost. And that it was right where he'd been, and they'd ran away--and the same time, fear was pressing down on him in a strange way--adrenaline spiking, anxiety, as if he was terrified about what he would say about their condition. For a moment he wondered if maybe the mutations had come back, somehow, on their own--but he hadn't been on any doses in awhile and still looked perfectly human. Didn't he?
It was maddening. Madness. What was going on? The only thing he could do was to test it out, see if the conditions were repeatable.
He's out on the town, stuffing his hands in his pockets. How the hell was he going to figure this out? Was it based on fear? If he found someone that was afraid, would he take their fear on, or something? Why was this happening?
...he can only hope that this all hadn't caught up to them. That the Entities hadn't finally taken notice.
He's pretty sure they've taken notice.
c. - For Addie
He's running the medical station today and everything is fine.
He's fine, patients are fine, weather's fine.
It's not like everything is starting to catch up to him and become a disaster in any way, shape or form. But he can't worry about these things, because despite the complications, it's still working. The c'nataat dosing is still working, along with the sedation to avoid them from taking on the fear, and what's so bad about him taking on the fear, anyway? That's what he's been doing all along, paying the price so that they don't have to? So really.
It's fine.
He's set up a small curtain in the back of the table and he doesn't dare offer any doses if anyone from ADI is around. There's an older man sitting in the chair by the curtain, and Luka is quietly consulting with them. It's someone with an awful cough and Luka sounds kind, compassionate.
"Your cough isn't going to get any better. And even without extensive testing I can tell you that your prognosis is very poor. Life-threateningly so. We have a treatment that can help you, and it's a fairly simple one. I'll give you something to calm you and make you sleep for a few minutes, and it's a one-time injection. It's, admittedly, fairly experimental but I can assure you it's very effective."
d. - Wildcard - Want a scenario not listed here or anything specific? Anything goes! Hit me up at
no subject
Should he talk about it?
His mouth opens and closes, but he's so afraid of what Carter would say, would do if he told him...
...what would he think of him? After all they've been through...
"I..."
He huffs, looking down, wringing his hands together.
"I'm fine. I'll be fine."
no subject
"You don't look fine. You don't sound fine."
He raps his fingers along the table, playing with his pen.
"Did something happen?"
Again, he almost wants to add because when did something not happen in this crazy, messed up world?
no subject
Luka rubs his hair, caught between decisions, too afraid to go forward.
But maybe it's a good thing if Carter knew. It wouldn't be so heavy, carrying all of this himself.
Or maybe Carter would yell at him, tell him he's an idiot.
Maybe he needed that, too.
"Something...happened."
He can't look him in the eye.
"What did you see when I walked through the door?"
no subject
The question catches him off-guard and Carter stammers for a moment, not knowing what to say. How to put that strange shadow into words. Not sure he wants to because it was just a figment of his imagination.
Right?
"I'm not... it wasn't... why?"
It's suddenly cold, he's suddenly cold.
Fear grabs a hold of him again, wondering what Luka means. Various moments flash before his eyes, Luka under Dunn's influence throwing rocks at him, Luka yelling at him until the light therapy takes effect, Luka on the ground groveling under supernatural influence.
"Luka, what's going on?"
no subject
It's such an awful thought he almost bolts out of the door.
"It's such a long story, I don't..." he rubs his face, sighing.
"What you saw, it's been happening lately. People see things, see me as something they're scared of and I...I can feel it. I can take...take their fear, if they're scared of something else? But then they become afraid of me. And I think something is feeding off that."
no subject
Take their fear.
Something feeding off that.
Carter tries to listen calmly, to force down the panic that threatens to overwhelm him. This is bad. Whatever it is, it is bad and it must have to do with the Entities and somehow, Luka is in the middle of it.
Okay. Breathe. In an out.
"Is it Dunn? Do you think there's something still lingering? We should go in, I can examine you, we can find out what's going on..."
no subject
The last thing he needs is Carter actually really examining him. Who knows what he'd find.
He rubs his face, torn between telling him and, well, running away. Running away would be nice. Running away would avoid all the terrible things that were probably about to happen.
"I think it's because of something that I have been doing."
How to best to say I have been injecting myself with an alien symbiote in order to feel fear from it so that patients wouldn't have to? Oh, and I'm also injecting patients with said alien symbiote to heal them.
"There is a factor in one of our companion's blood." Just not gonna mention Ade's name at the moment. "It's alien-based, but can heal anything. The thing is, it causes great distress in patients. We...have figured out a way to get around this distress, but it doesn't work unless there's some kind of...fear sacrifice. So I volunteered to take on the fear by dosing myself with the same thing periodically so that we can have stores of this factor ready to go for patients."
So.
You see where this is going.
"I can only guess that the Entities didn't like our loophole. Or maybe they liked it too much."
A beat.
"You can't tell ADI," he says hastily. "If they find out..."
no subject
He's been here before, and not just once. Moments of revelations, of bad news, of having the floor just... give out under him and that awful feeling of vertigo of things spiraling out of control. It leaves a stale taste in his mouth and he tries to swallow against the lump in his throat but it won't go away.
He tries to make sense of Luka's rapid explanations and he shakes his head, slowly at first, then faster when the information just piles in.
Distress in patients. Fear sacrifice. Dosing myself. Ready to go for patients.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
"What have you done?"
There's the sudden, sharp anger at his ramblings which he's had before. At his parents. At Benton. At Abby.
It spikes again when he mentions ADI, like that is somehow what's important right now.
"How long have you been at this? What loophole?"
no subject
He thought it would be bad but it's actually getting worse.
He looks down, ducking his head, not meeting his eyes.
What have you done?
"A little while. A month or maybe more, I don't..." Is there no way he can make this sound good, even with the good they're doing? "The doses, they cause terrible feelings in a person. And they..."
It takes him a second to get it out.
"It gives a person mutations sometimes. Alien aspects and things. It goes away," he adds hastily. "But that's some of what causes the fear. The loophole is to give a patient the healing factor, sedate them so they aren't able to experience the fear. It's a way to use this power for good, don't you see? It can really heal anything. What I do is pay the price of fueling the power with fear when we draw doses of the alien factor from his blood. It doesn't work without fear, that's how all of these powers in this world work. I don't like it but instead of forcing the patients to experience something awful I do it myself, don't you see? We're helping people!"
no subject
He thought it would be bad but it's actually getting worse.
Carter stares at him, he can't look away, he can't believe this is happening. It's a trick somehow, it's Dunn, it's an Entity, it's anyone, trying to make him think this is a thing that's actually possible. That Luka would do.
"You've been putting alien parasites into patients for a month?!"
The past weeks flash before his eyes. Joking around, talking on the phone. Are you staying out of trouble, he'd asked him. I just want you to be careful, he'd told him. I'm seriously fine, Carter, Luka had told him.
Meanwhile he has been putting fear inducing mutations into people behind his back.
He's feeling sick. He's going to throw up. His back hurts.
"We've been out there risking our lives to stop these Entities and you're creating fear on purpose? Breaking every medical oath we've ever taken?"
Betrayal makes his voice rise, along with a hurt that sits so deep it turns the words raw.
"Who are you?"
no subject
His voice is a little more frantic, trying to explain things, trying to make them sound like they're not so bad--
--unless they're really that bad.
"It's only on me, all right?" his voice is raised a little more, too. "That's what the sedation is for. I'm helping them! This can cure anything! I'm not scaring the patients!"
The patients, at least. Except maybe that one time by accident. Or at least on purpose. What's happening now to him, with the weird fear transfer...
And then Carter says who are you and it strikes him like a punch to the face.
Who are you echoes in his head every time he doses, every time it feels like something is changing him from the inside-out, replacing him, feeling like something is overwriting him. And now with what's been happening to him lately, people seeing things when they looked at him, maybe he was...
Who are you, Carter says, and he...
"I don't know."
His voice is so low, and he doesn't look at him.
He doesn't know.
no subject
In so many ways that he doesn't even know where to start.
"Injecting someone with an unknown pathogen – are you even listening to yourself? What, you're playing God now? Dr. Kovač the superhealer, the one who saves them all, everything else be damned, is that it? You'd like that, wouldn't you! Dammit, Luka!"
He starts pacing, his mouth opening, closing. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, with his body, with his words, there is so much he wants to yell about it threatens to dissolve into one incoherent scream.
"You will stop this."
Not you need to stop this. You will.
"You're staying away from the patients and that alien whatever it is. Where did you even get it from? Who helped you?"
He mentioned someone else, didn't he? Carter feels another flash of white hot fury. Did they somehow rope Luka into this? Was there an impostor at ADI, someone secretly working for the Entities?
no subject
He's not getting it. He thought that maybe Carter would get it but clearly that's not happening here.
You will stop this.
Dammit, Carter.
And now Ade's about to be dragged into this argument and Luka shakes his head. "I'll--I'll cut down, all right? I'll only use it for dire emergencies. You don't--understand--what this thing can do. It would be stupid not to have it as a last resort!"
no subject
He glares at him coldly but all the ice in his voice can't cover up the hurt.
"I'll tell you why. Because you know exactly how messed up it really is. And you knew I'd tell you. So don't give me that, Luka. You've lied to my face enough."
no subject
You've lied to my face enough.
If the guilt wasn't already crushing him enough...
His mouth opens and closes, the hurt killing him more than anything else.
"I...I'm sorry."
He rubs the side of his face, looking away again.
"I just wanted to help people."
cw: toxic parents/upbringing
Somehow, it just makes him angrier.
It reminds him of his mother and the way she'd tear up when you called her out on things she didn't like to hear. Rationally he knows this situation is very different but it makes him resentful, feeling like he's not supposed to feel his anger, like he's not supposed to upset him because he meant well, because he was sorry.
He turns away with a growl, rubbing at his face, taking a couple of deep breaths.
This isn't helping. This isn't getting them anywhere. Even though there's so much more he wants to say, Carter tries to calm himself, trying to remember how they got to this point in the first place. Things were spiraling out of control, Luka was scaring people and he needed help.
"Okay."
Okay, he has to think. Somehow in all this craziness he has to think, come up with a solution, fix this.
"No more experiments. Whatever is happening to you must be linked to what you've been doing. We'll do a check-up and I'll do another full examination once we're back at the headquarters."
no subject
Maybe not stop completely but just...stop for now. At least until they figured out what was going on with his condition. He still has plenty of doses left, he can hide them away and they should last awhile.
"You can't let it be on public record," he says, a bit adamant. "If they think I've been affected by an Entity...you saw what they were trying to do to Katie Dunn."
Of course, it's not an if they think situation, he knows that he's absolutely been affected by an Entity.
"There were mutations, alien traits that show up for a short period of time after a dose. If anything still lingers that'll show up on record and who knows what ADI would do about that."
no subject
Carter scoffs, and again when Luka brings up Dunn of all people.
"What I saw was them containing a dangerous threat. Someone who terrorized and maimed innocent people."
He shoots him a sidelong glance.
"More than once."
cw: mention of torture
He can't believe he's hearing this.
Don't you give him that sidelong glance.
"Yeah, but they locked her up, imprisoned her, blinded her and tortured her, and now they're possibly going to kill her. If I've been affected by an Entity, they might lock me up, or worse! Is that what you want?"
Of course, it was Katie herself who told him about what they did to her, so he can't be entirely sure that it was all of that, but he knows that she was locked up and they were trying to kill her, so.
cw: alcoholism
He's going to scream. Scream or punch him, not necessarily in that order.
"This isn't about you! What about the people you're scaring right now, that you might end up hurting? What about the ones you put in danger? Me, Addie, the whole team! Drawing attention to us all?"
He hasn't been this enraged at Luka's boneheadedness in years. Not since that day he saw him casually having a couple of beers with Abby, enabling her drinking without even pretending to give it a second thought.
"No, I don't want you ending up like Dunn! Which is why you need to stop and be honest with me! Tell me exactly what you've been doing and who you've been working with. How else am I supposed to protect you from this?"
no subject
This isn't about you!
What about the ones you put in danger? Me, Addie, the whole team! Drawing attention to us all?
How else am I supposed to protect you from this?
He doesn't say anything for a moment.
He can't.
He tries, a couple times, but the words don't exist, he can't get them out.
"I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to put anyone in danger."
Scaring them...as much as he hates it, at least it doesn't hurt them. That's a thought that occurs to him, that sits uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach and refuses to let go.
But he also doesn't want to lie to Carter anymore, and the hurt in his voice is killing him.
He ducks his head, his voice quiet.
"Ade Bennett. The c'nataat is an alien symbiote, that's what we've been drawing from his blood."
no subject
He will remember that name. And seek its owner out as soon as possible.
But for now it seems like he's finally gotten through to him. It helps mitigating his anger and Carter exhales, then moves to grab his field kit and sets it down next to Luka.
"All right, let's take a look."
no subject
He feels bone-weary, wondering if there was any point to even trying to stop them, wondering if all they could do was mitigate the damage that was always going to happen.
"It was my idea," he says quietly, taking off his jacket. "All of this. Don't blame him."
no subject
"Who is this guy anyway? How do you know him? Does he work at ADI? What if he's an Avatar?"
Powerful healing symbiont at least screams Avatar to him.
"Tell me about this stuff you've been using."
no subject
"No, I just ran into him at the medical labs. He's not a bad person, Carter. He was even worried about what this stuff was doing to me. The mutations. He's not an Avatar, come on. If that was the case don't you think I'd be in worse shape?"
He rolls his eyes.
"The c'nataat in his blood, it's literally a miracle. It can heal anything, but the price of using it is the person with the dose has to go through a terrible fear." He's speaking from experience here. "Like you're...being overwritten, like you know that there's an alien inside you, changing you...so I thought that we could sedate the patient for a short period after a dose to avoid these feelings. But the c'nataat won't work without the magic of this world fueling it, which means it needs some kind of fear associated with it. The fear that powers this now comes from me, when I dose the same time Ade donates blood to make the doses. Or at least, that was the plan."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw: self harm references, suicidal ideation
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)