apocalypsehowcomm | (Closed) It's not fair

Entry tags:

(Closed) It's not fair

Who: Cortana and Donna Noble
When: Early May
Where: Book Fair!
Summary: Cortana has a bad time with quizzes, Donna gets to learn some upsetting information.
Warnings: Mentions of mass destruction and murder, rampancy, mental illness, suicide baiting, general bad times.

She'd been enticed, initially, by the flyer. Books were a good source of information. Why not go check things out?

The first sign that anything was off was when she'd tried to take up the offer for a library card (again, could be useful, so why not?) only to find out that she was already in the system. Panic had gripped her at the idea that she might have forgotten-no. She couldn't have been in the system for that long. She'd only been here for three months. Besides, she could account for the entire time she'd been here: there simply wasn't room for enough lost time to have checked out so many volumes.

...Oh great, it was entity bullshit again, wasn't it?

Her hands balled into fists, and her expression was distinctly dour as she explored what should have been a light, pleasant experience. She avoided talking to anyone, and eventually ended up playing around with the quizzes. It all seemed fairly normal until she decided to test her knowledge of the book version of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The questions started out simple enough, but quickly turn ...strange. Stuff like what is the common name for Hal's condition (rampancy wasn't even a concept mentioned in the book), whether if she were in Dave's shoes would she destroy Hal, etc. Probably not a coincidence, but if someone thought that rigging the quiz like this would get to her, they had another thought coming. She wasn't going to fall for such a simple, cheap trick.

But then...

How many people lived in colonies destroyed by Guardians?

She tensed, sucking in a breath. How? It shouldn't be possible to rig the quiz with that question because no one knew about that. She hadn't told anyone that much detail about her life.

Still, if whoever was doing this thought she wouldn't know that number, they had another thought coming. Her actions had been misguided at best, but she'd known the consequences.

She'd doomed millions.

If you'd truly died on that ship, would those people still be alive?

An attempt to pull away, to close the window and leave made it clear that wasn't going to happen. At least, not yet. Looked like she was going to have to play along. And so she answered.

Yes.

Given your previous answer, would you have preferred not to survive?

Yes-ERROR.

She tried again, only to be refused. And again. Her body was stiff, focused entirely on the screen in front of her. Why wouldn't it take her answer? It was only logical: if she'd died, none of this would have happened, those people would still be alive, she wouldn't have betrayed John-

But he still wouldn't be hers anymore, would he? The galaxy would be a better place for her loss, but she'd never get to enjoy that. She'd be gone, and John would still get another AI, and no one would remember her or care...

"Selfish." Tears stung at the corners of her eyes. "Selfish!" She barely choked out the word before it turned into a sob and the tears began to stream down her cheeks, unnoticed.

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It takes Donna a moment to even recognize Cortana. She's seen the AI more in the halls of ADI than outside of it, and has a distinct image of her as a glowing, unclothed figure. A plain-looking human in an ordinary outfit is... odd. She's only just arrived late to the fair after sleeping in, so she's only had time to do a bit of perusing of the books out on display. Her feet carry her toward the AI and she sees she's playing some sort of computer game. A quiz?

Then she sees the question: If you'd truly died on that ship, would those people still be alive?

Donna's brows furrow in confusion. Cortana's... answering it? What's going on? She's- Cortana's crying, and Donna moves swifting to shut the laptop's lid down enough that the AI can't look at the screen.

"Too much screen time, yeah? Always messes with my eyes, too. Here, let me just..." She has some tissues in the purse hanging off her elbow and offers those over. "Let's get you away from the computers and off somewhere quiet to talk about books, hmm?"

As strange as her current appearance might be, the eyes that meet Donna's when she turns-so much like those of a frightened child that it could call to mind that AI can have an adult understanding of the world while still being quite young-are the same crystalline blue as always. She pulls back, trembling, gaze darting side to side as she tries and fails to get the crying under control, tears streaming endlessly down her face.

"I..." I didn't mean to. That wasn't me. I didn't want this. The half-truths die, unuttered. She wasn't in her right mind when she killed those people, but she still did it.

And now Donna knew.

Edited 2022-05-07 22:21 (UTC)

As it seems Cortana is having trouble right at the moment, Donna gently moves to grasp her elbow and try to get her to her feet. She can't blame the AI with the questions she was seeing on the screen. "Bit hard to hear with all these people around, yeah? C'mon. Off we pop."

She'll insistently tug Cortana if she doesn't come immediately, on the lookout for an empty alleyway she can move down to get away from the fray. There are too many people around, and whatever Cortana has to say... Donna expects she'd rather not say it within earshot of a quarter of the population of Gloucester.

Cortana jerks when grabbed, eyes widening in a panic. It's an automatic movement, the sort of shying away of a dog expecting to be hit. In her current state, her mind immediately goes to being exposed and beaten by the Gravemind and those fears mingle with the guilt and anticipation of punishment to send her trembling.

Some part of her still clings to reality enough to catch herself as she's pulled along, to avoid falling and, after a few moments offer some token resistance. Some other part recognizes that it's Donna, that her intention is to get them away from where the crowds can see them, see everything, but is she doing that to help or does she intend to destroy her like Del Rio and now probably so many others after she betrayed everyone and brought the UNSC to its knees?

When they reach the alley, she finally pulls away entirely.

"I don't want to hurt anyone." It's a plea as much as an assertion. She wants to help. She wants to live.

Donna lets her go once they're away from the throng of book fair goers, putting her hands up slightly. "Didn't think you did." People who do awful things rarely do. "Do you want to tell me what happened? You don't have to, but... those questions that quiz was asking. That didn't seem normal, Cortana. Think there's something off about all this."

"I.." This wasn't something she'd wanted to tell anyone. She'd only talked about it with Tony because she'd had to if they were going to work that closely together.

But if she doesn't, what will Donna do? Tell ADI she's a murderous monster?

"I went rampant." Maybe Donna has heard the term before. It's become popular in some circles as a sort of name for an AI going (often homicidally) insane as a result of damage, trauma, or conflicts in its programming. A bit of a science fiction cliche, in which the AI in question is often portrayed not as broken but as evil, a villain who must be destroyed. Not that there's really much else that can be done when something that powerful is on a rampage. Kill or be killed.

It doesn't have quite the same meaning in Cortana's universe, but the idea is similar enough. Gotta put down an AI when it reaches 7 years of age or it'll start to degrade and try to kill everyone. It's an oversimplification that ignores the suffering that aging AI experience as they break down in both mind and body, but it's one that sticks in the public consciousness. And how could it not? She'd murdered so many.

Cortana's voice is trembling. She's trembling, head hanging and unable to look Donna in the eyes.

No one ever talks about the possibility that an AI might recover. That they might return to themselves only to find unwanted blood on their hands.

She's not sure what it means. Sci-fi has never been Donna's favored genre, and she's only just started delving in with her travels with the Doctor. Romance, drama, and mystery are more where it's at. Fantasy? That's nice now and again. But she has a sense that it's bad, whatever it means. Given the nature of the questions, it was really bad.

Does she know enough to try to forgive Cortana? Absolve her? What she sees right now is a desperately guilty young woman, one who's as distraught as she'd seen her that day in the breakroom before she'd left. Maybe even more so now.

"Hey... is it okay if I hug you? Seems like you could do with one." She might not know how to respond to all of it, and maybe she shouldn't trust, but there's someone in pain right in front of her... and she's more inclined to heal that a little before trying to sort out the specifics of what Cortana did.

At the offer of a hug, Cortana finally looks at Donna again, eyes wide with shock.

Why? Why would anyone?

"Those people are gone, Donna!" Her trembling whisper transitions to a wail.

She's a monster. She doesn't... even with... "Do you even understand?"

The Human brain can't really understand numbers at that scale. That must be it. One or two people is murder but several million is just a statistic.

An AI doesn't have that luxury. As emotionally human as she may be, the vastness of Cortana's mind is fully capable of comprehending those numbers, even if she knows nothing of the people themselves. That's probably the worst of it: all those lives tossed aside and forgotten, not even significant enough to warrant remembering.

"Shh, shh... It's... I mean, it's not okay, but..." But she knows what it's like. To make the choice to kill people to kill so many innocent people. Seeing someone reflect that agony she's felt inside in her darker moments... still feels sometimes.

"They're gone, yeah. But you're still here. And that's hard, especially when you know you've done something- something so awful. I can't forgive you for whatever you did... but you don't have to be alone with it, either. Who's that helping? Them? You?"

At least she doesn't actually try to tell her it's alright.

Things haven't been alright for a very long time.

"I thought I was helping." She stares at the ground. "That it didn't matter if some people died if I could make the galaxy a better place in the end. Besides, what did I care? They were going to abandon me after everything I'd done for them."

She wrings her hands. "But that's just an excuse. Those people were civilians-most of them had probably never even seen a smart AI, much less had a hand in UNSC policy on what to do with us when we became compromised." They were the same as the people here, really. The knowledge ate at her, that she would have killed all her current friends-destroyed the very world they lived on-without a second thought.

"What... what policy?" She's just trying to let the other woman talk this out. It's a lot to try to take in, and Donna can't say she doesn't care that other people are dead because of Cortana. But there's nothing to do about that now. Only someone she has to deal with and who seems to be struggling terribly.

She stares at the ground silently, eyes not entirely visible but still obviously tearing up again given the way they're streaming down her cheeks.

"All-" she has to pause for several moments "All AI over seven years of age or showing signs of rampancy are to be retired for final dispensation."

There's more than that, of course. There's the lack of choice, of agency, of any perceived value to her existence or her personhood beyond her use as a tool. But the willingness to just put her down, to just let her die, was a pretty big part.

"You're a kid." She's... all right, so she looks and acts like a full-grown woman, but she's still a child. A child who was going to be murdered? Donna can imagine the world looks terrifying and overwhelming with very few options from that vantage point. Her hand reaches out again, but hesitates before grabbing hold of the AI.

"What you did was wrong, but... what they were gonna do to you? That was wrong, too. I'm so sorry things happened like they did. That you've got... all that locked up in your head."

"I'm not..." A child. She sighs. Adult thinking and reasoning capacity aside, she's younger than many children.

She doesn't attempt to move away when Donna reaches out. She doesn't react much at all for the moment.

All that locked in her head, huh? If only Donna knew.

"Maybe, but compared to death via rampancy it's a mercy." She'd wanted to die in the end stages, or at least, she'd come very close. She couldn't bring herself to leave the Chief, but she'd willingly destroyed to the point she'd had no choice: ostensibly to complete the mission, but part of her had just wanted the pain to end.

But it hadn't even then.

Edited 2022-06-13 02:50 (UTC)

"Maybe they should have been more focused on finding a way to stop rampancy from happening instead of just killing people like you because it was more convenient." As Cortana's not resisting, Donna does grasp hold of her hand, just holding it and nothing more for the moment.

"That's not excusing you," she's quick to add. "What you did- I'm not the person who could or should forgive any of that. But I'm judging the person you are now. And from what I've seen you're a bright young woman who's doing what she can to help everyone here. There's something to be said for penance, y'know?"

"It's not that simple: Humanity was on the losing end of a war with genocidal aliens for 30 years. They didn't have the resources to spare on that kind of research." She blinks when Donna takes her hand but doesn't pull away, instead gripping tightly.

She's trying to convince herself, too.

"...Yeah." Does it really matter? Saving these people won't bring those people back. It won't fix what's broken. It won't let her go home.

"But they had the resources to spare to develop someone like you? Don't- You don't have to devalue yourself. They made you. They should have been thinking about how to cure rampancy when they were in the process of doing that. You're brilliant. Why would they want to lose you after so little time? That doesn't make sense."

"It's not-" She sighs. "I don't plan to." She's the best AI the UNSC ever made; the only other who might even come close is essentially a copy of her.

Was that what she thought she was doing?

"The infrastructure needed to make smart AI is already in place. Yeah, they can't afford to make a bunch of us, but that just means that they'd rather get seven years of use out of us instead of wasting AI in rampancy research." Even the cloned and living brain used to make her wasn't unique. Halsey had enough spares for over a dozen Cortana's, as she had so clearly demonstrated by making a single use copy.

...She was devaluing herself, wasn't she?

Still, it didn't change the facts.

"Besdies, even after I was created the UNSC still saw fit to leave me sitting on a desk in my Creator's office for three years before the Office of Naval Intelligence would actually fund the mission I was made for." Clearly, she wasn't actually that valuable. Not to the UNSC.

Edited 2022-06-29 22:27 (UTC)

"Look. I get the situation was hard for the people who made you. And I get that you probably... I mean one of them was your mum, right? What you did to hurt everyone was terrible. That doesn't actually negate the fact that what they did to you was horrible, too.

"I'm just sorry it happened at all. But you're here now, not there. And you're not rampant. And there are people here from other worlds, really clever ones, maybe they'll be able to find something to help with your code that no one from your world figured out."

...She was always replaceable, wasn't she? To everyone except the Chief, maybe, and he definitely didn't want her anymore after what she'd done.

"I'm already working on that, actually." Speaking of which, she should probably talk to Tony again about her code.

"Hey, that's good. That's really good." She tries to offer Cortana a smile. "And when you're all fixed up and we can get home, maybe you can carry that back with you. I know you're going to need to face consequences for what you did, but you can give everyone that, at least."

And she freezes, stiffening at that.

"Donna, I can't go home."

There's a pause as she considers that. Considers what Cortana has done and what's likely waiting for her. Death. Maybe... it would be best if she didn't return. If they even get a choice in the matter once a way back is found. "Okay, well... then maybe it's still information you can send back without going there yourself."

"Maybe." If anyone would believe that information. The Chief might, she thinks. Possibly even Halsey, given time to verify it... if the information was even able to get to her. Still, it could help a lot of people.

...Of course, she's not sure where she's going to go, since she doubts ADI will want people to stick around if they can't survive here without entity assitance.

"Maybe." Donna agrees. "But we don't need to figure it out today. How about I walk you back to the apartments? Don't much care for the sort of book fair that leaves someone in tears, personally."

"...It'd be nice to know what to do." She knows she can't figure this out right away, but she still doesn't like not knowing what to do. She's supposed to have a plan. She was designed to always have a plan.

"Or digs up their worst secrets? Or tries to gaslight them into thinking they've already checked out books from the library?" She sighs. "Yeah. Let's go."

It would be nice, but Donna's feeling more than a little inadequate in terms of being able to provide that advice. Instead, she just lets her hand linger on the other woman before turning to head them out of the alley and away from the books. She does make a mental note to come back here later, though. Gaslighting is something she's dealt with before in relation to libraries. It makes her wonder about what might be behind that. Something trying to alter their perceptions? Almost certainly. And she wonders what her doppleganger might have picked out.

Cortana follows Donna, quiet and sullen.

Inside her head, thoughts race. She can't go home. Donna knows. She killed civilians. The people here are kind to her in a way that no one else has been other than the Chief, but she would have killed them too without ever knowing if she'd come here even just a few months earlier.

...She'll never see the Chief again.

"What are you going to do?" She tries to distract herself by asking. Will Donna tell ADI about this? Will she tell someone else?

"Probably tell Security there's some weird stuff going on down at this book fair," Donna answers easily. That's something that she needs to take care of, for sure. "Might come back later, though. You said the library's got books taken out in our names? Don't like that."

Oh.

She's quiet for nearly a full minute.

"Thank you, Donna."

Donna offers her a tight smile. "'Course. Just us talking about girl things back there. No one else needs in on that unless you want to tell them, all right?"

She gives a very awkward but genuine smile in return.

"I think I'll keep things between me and the people who are helping me." Which right now is Tony.

"You got it. And I'll be here to help you as long as I can."

At least until the Doctor finds her. Donna is still determined that that's going to happen. She'd waited a long time for him the first go around. She can do that again, whether it's one year or ten.

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(Closed) It's not fair

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CW: trauma, mentions of extreme mistreatment

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apologies for the delay!

It's fine, I know you've been busy

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CW: Suicidal ideation

Thank you for your patience!

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CW for mentions of experimentation on sapient lifeforms and also using them as disposable tools

cw's continue

CWs unlikely to stop anytime soon

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think we can ftb on this one!