apocalypsehowcomm | Closed Log

The path has been safe for now. Honestly, John has been expecting the worst, expecting to hear a Hunter's whistling or maybe the roar of a Huntbeast polar bear, but it's a surprisingly nice day. With a surprisingly nice walk.

John still is careful though, walking on ahead with his P90 at the ready. Maybe they're being stupid for being here, or maybe this is their last shot at getting home.

Either way, he feels fairly certain that he can take on whatever's here now that he's an Avatar...zombie Hunters and/or bear attacks nonwithstanding.

Still, there's kind of an...awkwardness now, after what happened at the last apocalypse disruption. Sometimes John opens his mouth to say something, then thinks better of it. Or chickens out. Or maybe he doesn't have anything to say at all, cause he has no idea how to deal with any of these feelings.

Guilt. Regret. Worry. So much worry. He's not...good...at any of this so all of his conversation trails to easy, light topics.

What are feelings even.

"At least now we know if you follow the path, you'll be safe," he says, after a long moment, before turning off the path. "But we need to find what's out there, too."

It's a surprisingly nice day. With a surprisingly nice walk.

Which of course means they have to do everything in their power to ruin it. Rodney slows when John changes course and purses his lips in fear that he masks as acerbic distaste.

"Or we could just map out the path first. The perfectly safe path. It's a nice path. You know, surprisingly free of things that want to eat us or shoot us or drive us mad..."

It's mumbled, he's been a little quieter than usually in the awkwardness of their talks. Their non-talks. John has been avoiding talking about the last mission and maybe Rodney has been, too. It's just been all over the place, from their painful fight at the magic mirror to... sort of maybe making up in the VR of hell, did they, he isn't sure... and all the way to saving John's life from the Vast's grip.

And now they're out here doing the job and Rodney can't help but think he'd much rather be doing the job if he was that super version that he saw in the magic mirror.

It's stupid, he knows it's stupid, but he can't turn off that feeling of resentment, of perceived hypocrisy. Here's John, merrily mutating all over the place, Avataring it up with the rest of them, everything else be damned... and here's Rodney, trotting along, and the one time he might have actually gotten something out of an artifact instead of, oh, losing a good chunk of his memories? Sheppard talks him out of it.

It's irritating. Never mind that they're out here, because it's the job to be out here, and maybe Rodney would feel just a little bit better about being out here if he wasn't the only squishy human all over the place?

It's childish, he's like a child that can't have its toy. Even if the toy is horrible corruption. But in a place where everyone was feeding Entities left and right and had glowy eyes and magic and abilities, Rodney is starting to feel left out.

He trots after John begrudgingly.

"Did I mention how much I hate this place?"

Edited 2023-07-11 20:37 (UTC)

"We're already here," John points out, completely self-assured. Or maybe just focused. Maybe a little too focused, Hunt-style. "Anyway, it's not far and the path is right there if we need to run back to it."

Rodney's been a little quieter than usual too, and so has he, and everything feels like it has this underlying current of awkwardness.

But you know what's better than the awkwardness? Not talking about the awkwardness.

"Yes. Yes, you have."

John trudges through the brush, wary. His movements, his demeanor is a little more cat-like than usual. Maybe he's been indulging in the hunt a little too much, maybe being in Dogtown was bringing his instincts out, or maybe he's just like that anyway.

But at least Rodney's talking and that's a start?

"Let me know if you see or hear anything weird."

"Like I'd pick up anything before you did. There is a reason you're going first?"

And that's even before the crazy Avatar powers.

"Besides, I'm sure whatever is out there will make itself known if it sees or hears us."

Which becomes worrying the moment he says it out loud. He looks back over his shoulder nervously, then back at his tablet, mapping out the way they've come and trying to be as accurate as possible about the spot where they're straying off the path.

"Just... make sure I don't get eaten."

"Doesn't mean that I won't miss something."

He's trying to make you feel included too, buddy. In his awkward way.

"I promise, I won't let you get eaten."

He's on the alert for any whistling or any bear-related noises, but everything seems peaceful, for now. He squints, in the distance there seems to be something...large, in the way.

Speaking of which...

"Do you see that?"

For a second he thinks it's a fence. Or a wall? It looks like a wall from afar. He starts to pick up the pace, but still wary.

Rodney is about to add that that also includes John not doing any eating himself but then the structure shows up and he loses his train of thought, squinting at the strange object.

"Huh."

Curiosity takes the better of him and he actually pushes past John, ready to get up there and investigate. It's clearly nothing that can attack, so this falls in the realms of ruins or buildings or science...

"Is that a wall? We can't have reached the other side, according to my map we're right in the middle of the place..."

They get closer and then he stops because the wall...

It reminds him of wavering heat, everything just shifting and rippling and he rubs at his eyes. Is he that exhausted already? Maybe he needs to eat, he probably should eat...

"Is that thing moving?"

Rodney goes on ahead which is…well, if they were anywhere else but Dogtown it’d probably be fine. But this is Dogtown.

“Wait up—“

He scurries after him, stopping when Rodney stops, looking equally confused.

What is that?

It’s like the wall is rippling.

“It’s moving.”

John gets a little closer. Then a little closer.

He squints.

He takes a step back.

“Uh…”

He squints again.

Oh, no.

“…it’s definitely moving.”

John takes a step back and he takes a step closer because he isn't quite sure what is going on here.

A force field of some kind? Moving energy? This is almost exciting, this is...

This.

Is.

"No."

One index finger comes up, then the other, slowly shaking a no as well, then faster.

"No. Oh, nononononono, that is not what I think it is. Do not tell me that is what I think it is!"

His voice starts low but already there is the potential for several octaves of agitation to follow.

“I won’t tell you but that doesn’t make it suddenly cease to exist,” John says dryly.

Not that he isn’t upset at the wall.

It’s awful and disgusting, but also he kind of wants to swat at it.

He makes a face, and motions for Rodney to stand back.

“I’m gonna try to shoot it.”

"What? No! Don't shoot it!?"

He steps back but he also brings his hands up to signal even more no. This is now full on palms of no.

"Haven't you seen the Mummy? What if it turns into a giant bug avalanche and comes at us!?"

“Well, we gotta do something?”

They certainly can’t just leave this here, unharmed, like a pair of cautious explorers with an emphasis on safety or something.

“If I shoot at it, it might open up a hole on the other side. Lot easier than having to search for an opening. Besides, maybe it’s just like…the surface is ants and there’s a nice hedge underneath.”

"Oh, is there somewhere you have to be?" he snaps.

"Why can't we just take the time to examine it and search for an opening or entrance?"

Because of Hickey. Because of the Hunter. Because of a million other things that might come for them if they stay here too long, he knows. Then again, a million of insects might become one of those things if they're being stupid about it.

"Let me take a sample, we can examine it back at ADI..."

“Actually, yes! We shouldn’t linger too long in one place!”

Cause of the Hunter. Cause of Hickey.

“Oh, yeah? You wanna take a sample? Okay. Go right ahead. Be my guest. Get right up close to that wall and and scoop up a handful of ants.”

Are you gonna do it, Rodney?

“Or, I could take a sample. A paw is as good as gloves, right?”

He puts his P90 on the ground, taking off his vest.

“Still could shoot it…”

He bristles at that, his earlier feelings of resentment flaring.

"What, you think I won't?"

You think he can't?

"I'm the scientist. I should get the sample."

He's actually slipping his backpack off his shoulder, trying to beat him to it.

“No, I don’t think you will! You don’t like stuff like this, so I’m trying to help you out?!”

You better accept his help. Accept it.

He tosses his shirt off, too, onto a nearby tree branch. He hasn’t forgotten about the spiders.

"Well, you're wrong! Because I will do this! So this time you stay back and let me work!"

He will not accept it. At all.

This is a race now and he hurries to get a sample glass out of his bag. Because he will show him, he'll show him right now, and he's going to be smart and responsible about this and prevent the wall of awful from coming at them...

And then John just takes off his shirt.

For some reason.

Rodney short-circuits for a moment, his anger fizzling and sparking from the confusion like a damaged fuse.

"What are you doing? You can't just do this everytime I'm mad at you! And I'm not making out next to the insect wall!"

“…doing what?!”

John blinks at him, utterly confused by what he means and then he just starts talking about making out, what is he even—

“You’re mad at me for trying to help you?! Because I remembered how much the spiders sucked last time?!”

That’s just great! He throws his hands up.

“I’m sorry for being considerate!”

Edited 2023-07-12 15:12 (UTC)

"Doing what!? Doing that! Why would you take your shirt off? There are ants everywhere!"

This just feels like the absolute, utter opposite of what you should be doing.

Also, they're yelling now and something seems to shift, like tiny pebbles coming loose under your feet, threatening to turn into an avalanche.

"I'm mad at you for not letting me do my job! If all you want to do is shoot at things and paw at things and piss off anomalies, why did you even bring me here! I can do this! I'm sick of you acting like I can't do this!"

“Cause I was gonna change and I don’t want ants to get in my fur and then somehow transfer over to my shirt and get all over me when I change back?!”

It’s so obvious?

Except they’re yelling again and this keeps happening.

“I was trying to protect you! I was being caring and thoughtful and you get mad at me for that?!”

Maybe he’s a little mad now, too.

“I’m tired of you always putting words in my mouth and assuming the worst of my intentions! If I thought you couldn’t do this stuff I wouldn’t have brought you here! I swear, it’s like everything I do is some kind of insult or affront against you! I might as well embrace it and start doing crap like that cause that’s all you seem to see!”

"Well, what if I don't want you to change!?"

It's out before he knows it and John is mad and he's mad and everything sucks and he is so sick of everything sucking and there is a wall of ants and he still has to think about the stupid mirror and he doesn't know how to deal with all the things in his heart.

"What if I don't want you to keep protecting me with this and get even worse and end up like Hickey! What if I want to protect you, huh!? But I can't, can I, because you, you, you always do this! You run up and you're like you know what, let's shoot the giant wall of insects like that is normal and you go up and want to paw at the hellants because I don't have stupid powers and guess what, maybe I don't want you to have stupid powers either, and maybe I don't want you to keep using these stupid powers or maybe I want powers too because I don't know how to help you!"

And there it is.

He suspected that maybe they’d have this talk but he really didn’t expect it to be in front of a wall of ants, but that’s life for you.

“I don’t need any help!”

But he does, he knows he does, and he scowls, looking away. Uncomfortable that this is suddenly on him, that Rodney wants to help him, that he knows he needs help but doesn’t wanna admit it…or maybe that he doesn’t want the help because a dark part of him likes this, likes the freedom and excuses. And the rest of him is afraid that’s true.

His tone softens, just a little.

“Okay, look, I’m not gonna end up like Hickey because I have you. The powers keep us both safe, and with all the crap that’s going on we need…I need it to protect you.”

He shakes his head.

“And if you want powers too, that’s great! But you need to be careful about it, know what you’re getting into, try to aim for something that sucks the least, basically.”

So he’s fine? You’re fine? Everything is fine?

John's not fine. Rodney's not fine. Nothing is fine.

And there's still a wall of ants on top of it. Because of course there is.

"You have a crab arm! And I know we've been sort of-- well, not ignoring it, it's hard to ignore with how it gets in the way? It does that, and it is there, and, and, anyway."

Anyway.

"How is any of this keeping me safe? You told me you chased me because you thought I was a rabbit, for crying out loud! And I don't even remember that because oh, hey, I lost weeks of memories, how exactly was your Hunt buddy of help there, huh?! Tell you what, he wasn't! He was probably high-fiving whoever else of those sucky guys manipulated my laptop! And you know what, not to be that guy but I totally saved you when we got stuck in that Vast maze."

Not that he's keeping tabs, but he's totally keeping tabs.

But he's running out of steam and he's getting to a raw place, a real place, and it hurts and it makes him turn softer, too.

"... The way you reacted to me using the mirror?"

Yeah, they're back to the mirror. He's that worried about you that he would bring up the mirror.

"That's... that's how I feel. About you. About this. You don't need this, any of this. And it... scares me that you want this. That you feel like you need this because you don't. I know you don't."

“I mean, yeah, I have a crab arm, so what?!”

That he’s been purposefully not thinking about. That he’s been repressing the horror of. That sometimes he sees himself in the mirror and can’t look. That he sometimes desperately tries to imagine what it’s like having a working arm again, working hand, fingers…that he isn’t terrified one day he’ll find his other arm changed too, like it just won’t stop—

“Okay, so those things sucked, I get it! But it’s saved my ass plenty of times too! I’m stronger, faster—in a world where everything is supernatural and out to get you? Yeah, I’ll take having superpowers too!”

Except Rodney was right, wasn’t he? How many times has he attacked him already, even though it has been by accident?

He doesn’t look at him a moment, scowling.

And then he brings up the mirror and his stomach drops.

That's... that's how I feel. About you. About this.

The guilt eats at him, tears him up, and he can’t, can’t, can’t deal with it.

“It’s good to have, just in case,” he sets his jaw. “I can’t protect you against those things out there without this.”

"Well, for one thing, it is very inconvenient. And there is this ridge that always presses into your temple no matter which way you shift your head..."

Leave it to Rodney McKay to make your body horror about how comfortable his head is during a Lord of the Rings marathon. Sorry John, you chose him, you chose to date this.

But there is also simple logic at play here. x∧y = 1 if x = y = 1, x∧y = 0 otherwise.

Or maybe it's still childish resentment.

Or maybe he has issues but he is also power hungry but he is also very neurotic.

Or maybe he just loves you very much and he is terrified about what this is doing to you.

Or maybe all of these are sort of intertwined with each other.

"If it's that simple, why didn't you want me to have it? I looked amazing in that mirror and you know it! We both know it. Whatever this place throws at us? What was in the mirror could have protected me from it! If what you're saying is true, you should have been thrilled for me to have that. Why weren't you?"

Edited 2023-07-13 20:35 (UTC)

“I’m sorry about the ridge? I can’t help the ridge!”

It’s just that he really doesn’t wanna think about the horror of it all and maybe you should bring a little cushion or something maybe…

What is his life now.

“I—yeah, you’re right, you’re right, okay? It could have helped. But I was—“

He trails off, unable to articulate it, unable to express how he feels.

“I didn’t want you to feel you needed that! That what I see every time I look at you? Is…is already that.”

He doesn’t know how to deal with this, his face turning red.

I’m so wildly in love with you, so much I don’t know what to do with it.

That I wish you could see what I see.

N6

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cw: body image, internalized body issues

cw: body image, internalized body issues